Comedy Quotes

The most I can hope for is to die in a pose that confuses future archaeologists.

~ Yahtzee Croshaw

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. I believe God created me in one day. Yeah, looks like He rushed it

~ Bill Hicks

Nothing kills a party like an oversize metal hedgehog.

~ Ilona Andrews

That night's show was watched by ten million people, so I guess that director at The Second City who said the audience didn't want to see a sketch with two women can go shit in his hat.

~ Tina Fey

I'm not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: 'STRATFORD SUCKS!' Am I supposed to run after these guys? I'd just stand there, you know. They'd back up. 'STRATFORD SUCKS! ...STRATFORD SUCKS!' I'd say, 'I know. I go there. You're wasting gas, man.

~ Bill Hicks

A farce or comedy is best played, a tragedy is best read at home.

~ Abraham Lincoln

He could sit in the dust and dark of the carriage house and rot for the rest of his life. Clearly that's what he wished to do. It was not my place to get in the way of so profound a destiny.

~ Kristin Bailey

Do short people reach their full potential quicker?

~ Benny Bellamacina

When people get into their 30s plus boyfriend sounds weird...if you really think about it. Instead, I think we should universally start using the term manfriend or snookie bookie cuddles pie.

~ Michelle M. Pillow

Would you like some sacred chocolate?' a girl asked, appearing suddenly at Lara's side. 'They've very special chocolates,' she said, pushing a plate of the goods in Lara's direction. 'They're raw and sweetened with Stevia.'Stevia, huh? Lara grabbed a chocolate truffle and popped it into her mouth, winking at the girl. She hoped the 'stevia' would kick in soon, because frankly, it looked like these women were having a better time than she'd had in ages.

~ Lola Salt

Now, listen Tyler,' Lara said, feeling a little impatient. She rather liked a cuddle after sex, and a bit of kissing. But a guilt trip was absolutely unacceptable, even if they were lying naked on someone else's kitchen table.

~ Lola Salt

Well, what do you know? Fakespeare!

~ Hillary Depiano

You called the guy you’re supposed to rescue a nerd, and you just referenced Star Trek. You don’t find that a bit nerdy?

~ A.j. Wiliams

CREONTA: Rope! My rope! Hang those two thieves by the neck until they are dead.THE ROPE: Alack, but vile and ill-natured female! Upon wherein did thine affections tarry when I didst but lie here and rot for many a year? Nay, but those fellows tooketh care to remove the wetness that didst plagueth me of late and hath laid me upon the cool ground to revel in a state of dryness. Nay, I wouldst not delay them in their noble course for all thine base and bestial howling.CREONTA: Then, you, dearest donkey, precious beast of burden, tear those two apart and eat their flesh!DONKEY: Nay, but alas for many a season didst you but keep the food of the tummy from me and my mouth when it was that I required it of you. These fine gentlemen of fortune didst but give me carrots of which to partake which I did most verily and forthsoothe with merriment. I havest decided that thou dost suck most verily and no longer will I layth the smackth down in thine name but will rather let such gentlemen as these go free of themselves. TRUFFALDINO: [To the audience.] Well, what do you know? Fakespeare!

~ Hillary Depiano

Sir, he hath not fed of the dainties that are bred in a book; He hath not eat paper, as it were; he hath not drunk ink; his intellect is not replenished; he is only an animal, only sensible in the duller parts... (Act IV, Scene II)

~ William Shakespeare

It was the first time her eyes had really met mine and to be honest I think there was more warmth between the lamb chops in the freezer. Daniel meeting Felicity in Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point.

~ Kaal Kaczmarek

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

~ Daniel Tosh

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

~ Daniel Tosh

It's early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I'm thankful. I'm happy. My cup runneth over. Now there's coffee everywhere.

~ Mindy Levy

Another case for the dumbness of reading, however, is that books do not contain answers, but rather pose more questions. And asking questions makes you look dumber, not sma

~ Dan Wilbur

A few people have ventured to imitate Shakespeare's tragedy. But no audacious spirit has dreamed or dared to imitate Shakespeare's comedy. No one has made any real attempt to recover the loves and the laughter of Elizabethan England. The low dark arches, the low strong pillars upon which Shakespeare's temple rests we can all explore and handle. We can all get into his mere tragedy; we can all explore his dungeon and penetrate into his coal-cellar, but we stretch our hands and crane our necks in vain towards that height where the tall turrets of his levity are tossed towards the sky. Perhaps it is right that this should be so; properly understood, comedy is an even grander thing than tragedy.

~ G.k. Chesterton

Comedy is, of course, closely associated with eggs.

~ Harlan Tarbell

In life there are squares and there are circles, sometimes it's best to be an oblong

~ Benny Bellamacina

I'm holding a super-expandable energy-powered towel. I've made friends with space hamsters. I think we've stretched believability rather far, don't you?

~ Michael S. Atkinson

I decide to release myself the only way I can imagine: I pee my pants.

~ Phil Torcivia

I sat down on the sofa, surrounded by years of coffee rings and sandwich stains. If the police ever did a DNA test on this sofa, it would be ninety per cent disappointment.

~ Danny Wallace

...big, strapping macho guys were like liquid diets--they were great for emergencies, but she wouldn't want to be on one all the time.

~ Stephanie Bond

In certain circumstances, basically shit ones, it’s fight or flight. With Tommy it’s always fright and flight.

~ Terry Weible Murphy

DEMETRIUSRelent, sweet Hermia: and, Lysander, yieldThy crazed title to my certain right.LYSANDERYou have her father's love, Demetrius;Let me have Hermia's: do you marry him.

~ William Shakespeare

QUINCEFrancis Flute, the bellows-mender.FLUTEHere, Peter Quince.QUINCEFlute, you must take Thisby on you.FLUTEWhat is Thisby? a wandering knight?QUINCEIt is the lady that Pyramus must love.FLUTENay, faith, let me not play a woman; I have a beard coming.

~ William Shakespeare

You got a gun, you don't have to work out.

~ Chris Rock

Either to die the death or to abjureFor ever the society of men.Therefore, fair Hermia, question your desires;Know of your youth, examine well your blood,Whether, if you yield not to your father's choice,You can endure the livery of a nun,For aye to be in shady cloister mew'd,To live a barren sister all your life,Chanting faint hymns to the cold fruitless moon.Thrice-blessed they that master so their blood,To undergo such maiden pilgrimage;But earthlier happy is the rose distill'd,Than that which withering on the virgin thornGrows, lives and dies in single blessedness.

~ William Shakespeare

What is she doing here? I wondered. Hasn't she had enough green-upping?

~ Lisa Papademetriou

If the sky falls, we shall catch larks./Když nebe padá , zjímáme skřivani.

~ Czech Proverb

Comedy may be big business but it isn't pretty.

~ Steve Martin

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

~ Peter Ustinov

We're all screwed up. And the way Christians mess things up is we act like we've got it going on. And if we would just stay in that place of, 'Hey, we're all screwed up and but for the grace of God, none of us have a shot here.' We need to have a sense of humor about it; that's kind of the way I've always faced my comedy.

~ Jeff Foxworthy

The duty of comedy is to correct men by amusing them.

~ Molière

Let's not call physical comedy falling down and pratfalls. All humor is physical, no matter how you dish it out. It's timing, like a dancer or an athlete would have.

~ Chevy Chase

I think the main thing about comedy and humor is that it's impossible and always was impossible to define.

~ Mike Nichols