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Funny Quotes

Funny quote from classy quote

I love how you still think if you tell me to do something, I'll just check my brain at the door and do it.

~ C.j. Redwine

C.j. Redwine Feminist Funny

What do you think? Does this face make me look fat?

~ Kiersten White

Kiersten White Funny

That's your truck parked up by the factory isn't it? Magnus pointed. It's awfully butch for a bookseller.

~ Cassandra Clare

Cassandra Clare Cassandra Clare City Of Ashes Funny Magnus Bane

It's funny how different people are. If I'd been this kid and someone was snarling Ordering a pizza? at me, without even thinking, I would have snarled back Yeah. You want pepperoni?-Maximum Ride

~ James Patterson

James Patterson Funny Max

I know I'm delicious. Nummy.....nummy.-Vlad

~ Jeaniene Frost

Jeaniene Frost Funny Vlad

Yeah, okay. You're right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steak, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for you I promised him I wouldn't tell. In exchange I asked him to gather his best undead buddies and stalk me through my friend's yard. And oh, yeah, it was totally fine if they wanted to use me as an all-night-dinner buffet, because having organs is SO last year.

~ Gena Showalter

Gena Showalter Alice In Zombieland Funny Zombies

And while my mind is telling me I'm flirting with her just to prove a point, my body wants to play you show me your perky privates and I'll show you mine.

~ Simone Elkeles

Simone Elkeles Funny Rules Of Attraction

Are you in a suit?' I managed at last, my voice choking up. 'You didn’t have to dress up for me.''Quiet, Sage,' he said. 'I’ll make the hilarious one-liners during this daring rescue.

~ Richelle Mead

Richelle Mead Adrian Ivashkov Book Quote Funny Quote Sydney Sage Sydrian

And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it.

~ George Eliot

George Eliot Funny Human Nature

I picked up the nearest weapon I could lay my hands on: a stapler. I lifted it, going for “menacing.” I admit it lacked a certain elegance, but hey. It was worth a shot. David placed his hand on my arm and pushed it back down.“What?”“Just . . . that’s embarrassing for all of us,” he replied.

~ Rachel Hawkins

Rachel Hawkins Funny

I apologized to her once for spending less time with her, but she blew it off. You're in love. That makes you actually kind of boring to people who aren't in love. You know, the sane ones.

~ Claudia Gray

Claudia Gray Funny

Mal snickered. What's so funny?I just pictured the Darkling being cornered by a sweaty duchess trying to have her way with him.

~ Leigh Bardugo

Leigh Bardugo Alina Funny Mal

The Friday before winter break, my mom packed me an overnight bag and a few deadly weapons and took me to a new boarding school.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Cool Fantasy Fiction Funny Intense

This is America. We’re entitled to our opinions.”“Wrong. This is Texas. And my opinion is the only one that counts.

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Susan Elizabeth Phillips America Arrogant Call Me Irresistible Funny Humour Sep Texas

Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior.

~ Stephenie Meyer

Stephenie Meyer Bella Swan Funny Sarcastic

Me neither,” Shane put in. “Homie don’t play that.”“I wonder, sometimes, if your generation speaks English at all,” Amelie said.

~ Rachel Caine

Rachel Caine Amelie Funny Language Morganville Vampires Shane Collins

This isn't a Christmas special! This is my life. In the real world, miracles and goodness just don't happen.

~ Richelle Mead

Richelle Mead Frostbite Funny Richelle Mead Rose

I guess I can't blame him for feeling bitter. Going from being the terror of Bulgarian nights to a janitor would kinda suck

~ Kiersten White

Kiersten White Evie Funny Kiersten White Paranormalcy

What if I was the sexual equivalent of popcorn? Suitable for light snacking only?

~ Rachel Vincent

Rachel Vincent Funny Kaylee

I take a sip of my beer, and it's - I mean, it's just astonishingly disgusting. I don't think I was expecting it to taste like ice cream, but holy fucking hell. People lie and get fake IDs and sneak into bars, and for this? I honestly think I'd rather make out with Bieber. The dog. Or Justin.

~ Becky Albertalli

Becky Albertalli Funny

...you don't care because you're all that and I'm just an artery in a dress.

~ Jeaniene Frost

Jeaniene Frost Bones Cat Funny

I would feel infinitely more comfortable in your presence if you would agree to treat gravity as a law, rather than one of a number of suggested options.

~ Neil Gaiman

Neil Gaiman Funny Gravity

Thou art a very ragged Wart.

~ William Shakespeare

William Shakespeare Funny Henry Iv Shakespeare

It's so trendy, almost bleeding to death. All the cool girls are doing it.

~ Francine Pascal

Francine Pascal Bleeding Cool Ed Fargo Fearless Funny

I rolled my eyes. “I feel like a zoo animal.”Travis watched me for a moment, noted those staring, and then stood up. “I CAN’T!” he yelled. I stared in awe as the entire room jerked their heads in his direction. Travis bobbed his head a couple of times to a beat in his head.Shepley closed his eyes. “Oh, no.”Travis smiled. “get no….sa…tis…faction,” he sang, “I can’t get no….sat-is-fac-tion. ‘Cuz I’ve tried…and I’ve tried…and I’ve tried…and I’ve tried…,” he climbed onto the table as everyone stared, “I CAN’T GET NO!”He pointed to the football players at the end of the table and they smiled, “I CAN’T GET NO!” they yelled in unison. The whole room clapped to the beat, then.Travis’ sang into his fist, “When I’m drivin’ in my car, and a man comes on the…ra-di-o…he’s tellin’ me more and more…about some useless in-for-ma-tion! Supposed to fire my im-agin-a-tion! I CAN’T GET NO!

~ Jamie Mcguire

Jamie Mcguire Funny Laine S Fave Lovedit

My brother spent a large portion of the agonizingly slow drive to school banging his forehead on the stearing wheel.

~ Michelle Hodkin

Michelle Hodkin Funny Michelle Hodkin The Unbecoming Of Mara Dyer

Isn’t it so weird how the number of dead people is increasing even though the earth stays the same size, so that one day there isn’t going to be room to bury anyone anymore? For my ninth birthday last year, Grandma gave me a subscription to National Geographic, which she calls “the National Geographic.” She also gave me a white blazer, because I only wear white clothes, and it’s too big to wear so it will last me a long time. She also gave me Grandpa’s camera, which I loved for two reasons. I asked why he didn’t take it with him when he left her. She said, “Maybe he wanted you to have it.” I said, “But I was negative-thirty years old.” She said, “Still.” Anyway, the fascinating thing was that I read in National Geographic that there are more people alive now than have died in all of human history. In other words, if everyone wanted to play Hamlet at once, they couldn’t, because there aren’t enough skulls!

~ Jonathan Safran Foer

Jonathan Safran Foer Dead Funny Weird

The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.

~ Maria V. Snyder

Maria V. Snyder Allure Funny Uniform

I wish I knew how to quit you, Tumblr.

~ John Green

John Green Funny Internet Nerdfighteria Nerdfighters Social Media Tumblr Vlogbrothers Youtube

Don't worry. You're just as sane as I am-Luna Lovegood

~ J.k. Rowling

J.k. Rowling Funny Harry Potter Jk Rowling Luna Lovegood Reality

Be careful you don't cut yourself. The edges are sharp enough to shave with.''Girls don't shave', Arya said.'Maybe they should. Have you ever seen the septa's legs?

~ George R.r. Martin

George R.r. Martin A Game Of Thrones A Song Of Ice And Fire Arya Stark Cutting Funny George R R Martin Jon Snow Sharp Shave Sword

I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Funny Hate Sensitive

I passed out from stress? That’s it?”“I believe the princess term is fainted,” said Thorne.

~ Marissa Meyer

Marissa Meyer Cinder Funny Thorne

Well,” said the frog, “what are you going to do about it?”“Marrying Therandil? I don’t know. I’ve tried talking to my parents, but they won’t listen, and neither will Therandil.”“I didn’t ask what you’d said about it,” the frog snapped. “I asked what you’re going to do. Nine times out of ten, talking is a way of avoiding doing things.

~ Patricia C. Wrede

Patricia C. Wrede Actions Over Words Frog Funny

His eyebrows pulled in. “You won’t leave me, right? Even when I’m a pain in the ass?”“I vowed in front of God – and Elvis – that I wouldn’t, didn’t I?

~ Jamie Mcguire

Jamie Mcguire Abby Abernathy Beautiful Disaster Elvis Funny Jamie Mcguire Love Travis Maddox

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

~ Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx Divorce Funny

He was gorgeous, and I absolutely, no question, had to be drooling. After a quick and hopefully stealthy check – big show, I wasn’t!- I found myself wonder what color his eyes were. Brown maybe. Or even hazel. Either way…wow, just wow. Deer? Headlights? Hi, I’m Ali.

~ Gena Showalter

Gena Showalter Alice Bell Cole Funny

Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.

~ Graham Parke

Graham Parke Breakdown Funny Humor Mental Philosophy Quirky

I certainly hadn't expected to walk away from today's trip with joint custody of a miniature dragon.

~ Richelle Mead

Richelle Mead Adrian Ivashkov Funny Sydney Sage

The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.

~ Robert Conquest

Robert Conquest Bereaucracy Funny Management
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