Funny Quotes

With a nod, Thorne started down the street. 'This way.' Five steps later, he paused, pondered, turned around. 'No, no, this way.' 'We're dead.' 'No, I've got it now. It's this way.' 'Don't you have an address?' 'A captain always knows where his ship is. It's like a psychic bond.' 'If only we had a captain here.' He ignored her, marching down the street with spectacular confidence.

~ Marissa Meyer

He asked what she was in for and complimented the find workmanship of her metal extremities, but she ignored him, making him briefly question if he'd been separated from the female population for so long that he could be losing his charm. But that seemed unlikely.

~ Marissa Meyer

[Ella] “Again, I ask, whose side are you on?”[Lola] “The side that has the least Dorito-flavored vomit on the floor after the party.

~ Dakota Cassidy

Si, the speed limit sign said 35. Your Goin' 55. -Sadie RobertsonOh, that's just a suggestion.

~ Si Robertson

I'm the master of distractions. A couple of hand gestures and BAM! I'll pull the underwear clean off your butt.

~ Si Robertson

My favorite people are the ones that can make any unfunny joke hilarious by just laughing.

~ Ziad K. Abdelnour

Damn it! I knew she was a monster! John! Amy! Listen! Guard your buttholes.

~ David Wong

How much of my fever-induced dream was real? I felt safe assuming that my time as a bee was fiction, as well as a few mythological animals that I swear I'd seen. Then I'd lived on the sun with aliens.

~ Cora Carmack

Impersonating a quiet, gentle librarian like Barbara Gordon--You deserve to be taken out of circulation!

~ Karl Kesel

Never follow the crowd....Until and unless you're crossing the road...

~ Sanhita Baruah

She's better than Netflix.

~ Charlotte Huang

I laugh because your pain is amusing.

~ Lauren Dane

Xav sprinkled olive oil on his lettuce. 'Lola was very particular that it all had to fit properly.' 'Lola?' squeaked Diamond. I wanted to warn her not to rise to the bait Xav was dangling in front of her but it was too late. Xav added some Parmesan and pepper. 'Suspicious, Diamond? You should be. This is a bachelor party I'm organizing, not a school outing, and it is going to tick all of Trace's boxes. Lola is either a very efficient water sports instructor or an exotic dancing girl; I'll leave it your imagination.' I rolled my eyes at Diamond. 'Myabe she's both. I mean the guys will really go for that, I guess. Don't worry,Di, Luigi and his crew will not disappoint us girls.' Luigi was in fact Contessa Nicoletta's little bespectacled chef with whom I had been consulting about the menu for Friday, but the Benedicts weren't to know that. 'He has promised to provide something suitably spicy for our tastes.

~ Joss Stirling

I never thought I'd hear myself say it, but safety first!

~ J.k. Rowling

Being a pumpkinhead is great.Your HEAD is a PUMPKIN.

~ Justin Robinson

hornier than a bunny on ecstasy

~ Kyle Adams

I'm a terrible person. I should have stayed in college. I should have gone skydiving while I had the chance. I should have gone swimming with dolphins. I should have seen The Spice Girls perform on their reunion tour!

~ Jillianne Hamilton

Agatha: If you say anything smug or stuck-up or shallow, I'll have Reaper follow you home.Sophie: But then I can't talk!

~ Soman Chainani

But at the time I thought that if I could just get the world to see me the way I saw myself then my body wouldn't be the thing you walked away thinking about. I wouldn't be that fat girl.

~ Gabourey Sidibe

What has been happening more lately - of course, I also put in my bio, I say I do the voice of Goliath, but some people go - you know, I say something, and it's a funny thing when you work in this business, people will talk out loud in front of you like you're not there.

~ Keith David

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.

~ Reba Mcentire

You know what's funny to me? Attitude.

~ Don Rickles

I am always acting, be at a party, at work or in office. My attitude changes from meeting to meeting, from being serious to intense to funny, depending on who is in the room.

~ Karan Johar

The townspeople outside the reservations had a very superior attitude toward Indians, which was kind of funny, because they weren't very wealthy; they were on the fringes of society themselves.

~ James Welch

I haven't watched 'Mad TV' a lot, but I have seen some stuff on there that is truly funny. You have to have some sort of attitude toward the subject, and they seem to have it. It depends on how much blood you want to draw.

~ Joe Flaherty

I got to work with Rachel Dratch, and she just had such a funny, roll-with-it attitude when she would approach the stage and could turn anything into a gem.

~ Stephnie Weir

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

~ Oscar Wilde

I know some people say I can be funny. But there is always a deeper meaning to what I say. I am a socialist at heart and have the interests of the poor in mind. When people see how I manage to work my way out of tough situations, it gives them hope in their own life.

~ Lalu Prasad Yadav

When life partner happens, I hope he is not a youth icon then because I doubt even I would be youthful then. Whether life partner is hot or not, that doesn't matter. He has to be a nice man. He should be funny, responsible, and he should be sweet, and he should love me a lot.

~ Alia Bhatt

All you have in comedy, in general, is just going with your instincts. You can only hope that other people think that what you think is funny is funny. I don't have an answer but I just try to plough straight ahead.

~ Will Ferrell

No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are.

~ Ellen Degeneres

Mariah is a beautiful and talented person, and I've had a crush on her for as long as I can remember. Every day, my respect for Mariah continues to grow higher. She's a caring, warm and funny person. People have no idea how funny she is! I feel like I've always known she was my forever love.

~ Nick Cannon

Kevin Hart. He's the man! I like his style. He's short, so I can relate. All the stories he tells are real. I respect that, and he's just a really funny dude - great comedy instincts. To do stand-up on a stage for an hour and tell stories and make people laugh is incredible.

~ Cameron Boyce

People think it's funny that I enjoy dreaming so much. I just use it as a form of entertainment. It's very private. I don't see my dreams as separate. I mean, half the time I'm wandering around dreaming anyway.

~ Robert Smith

I was born in Paris in the mid-1960s, and by the time I was 12 I had started going to the movies by myself. Most of the movies of that period never appealed to me. I didn't like the 'naturalism,' the sad or the 'down-to-earth' characters. What I wanted from film was fantasy, dreams, funny situations, extravagant decor - and beautiful women.

~ Christian Louboutin

My parents always told me to be myself. I was always funny and silly as a kid. And I would always make them laugh. And they always told me to dream big and follow those dreams.

~ Richard Simmons

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

~ Will Rogers

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

~ Peter Ustinov

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

~ Dr. Seuss

Try to find someone with a sense of humor. That's an important thing to have because when you get into an argument, one of the best ways to diffuse it is to be funny. You don't want to hide away from a point, because some points are serious, but you'd rather have a discussion that was a discussion, rather than an argument.

~ Ed Sheeran