Humor Quotes

Um, thanks,” Jackson told her. “And your name is…?”“I’m Margaret, Margaret Van Der Graaf,” she answered with another eerie smile. Her teeth were so white that they looked bleached.“Van Der Graaf?” Jackson repeated, trying to stifle his laughter. He didn’t want to be rude to the only person in sight, to this kind-hearted stranger who was offering to help him, but… Van Der Graaf?“What are you laughing at?” Margaret asked with curiosity, flashing him a calculating gaze. “I like my name. If you’re going to be a jerk, then I won’t help you. You can stay out here on the street through the night for all I care.”“…Harsh,” said Jackson, giving her a quizzical glance back. There was something ‘off’ about her, something that Jackson couldn’t quite place, something that bordered on horrible loneliness and longing. “Who else lives here, Margaret Van Der Graaf?” He couldn’t resist saying her name aloud. Despite its hilarity, it had a nice ring to it. “Who else lives here?” he urged.“Me, myself and I,” said Margaret simply, snickering when she saw his horrified and annoyed expression

~ Rebecca Mcnutt

That weekend my people brought home a big eared gray scrawny kit.He was so loud and annoying that I did not like him one bit.

~ Melinda K. Trotter

As far as I’m concerned, the only thing sweeter than seeing a friend is that friend canceling on me.

~ Maria Semple

Twolegs are mousebrain

~ Erin Hunter

Cool people are only cool for the first thirty minutes of knowing them. After that, they just become annoying.

~ Carroll Bryant

People don't deserve the restraint we show by not going into delirium in front of them.

~ Louis-Ferdinand Céline

When people keep telling you that you can’t do a thing, you kind of like to try it.

~ Margaret Chase Smith

In the first place, Cranford is in possession of the Amazons; all the holders of houses above a certain rent are women. If a married couple come to settle in the town, somehow the gentleman disappears; he is either fairly frightened to death by being the only man in the Cranford parties, or he is accounted for by being with his regiment, his hip, or closely engaged in business all the week in the great neighbouring commercial town of Drumble, distant only twenty miles on a railroad. In short, whatever does become of the gentlemen, they are not at Cranford.

~ Elizabeth Gaskell

It's perfectly normal that extraordinary things happen to me. I'm an exceptional person. Oh, don't think I'm boasting. I mean to say that, unfortunately, I'm exceptional and that, unfortunately, I can't live by the rules. I must make my own.

~ Cocteau

Normal....What the majority of people look, act, and talk and like.So what if the majority became what we see as wierd now?Would our normal, become our new wierd?

~ Catherine Of Genoa

For Liza, a greeting is an opportunity to make new friends. For me, it's yet more people I'll have to avoid.

~ Ariel Leve

What irritates me most of all about these morning people is their horribly good temper, as if they have been up for three hours and already conquered France. Particularly since the vast majority of them, in spite of rising so appallingly early, have performed anything but great deeds. In Berlin I have time and again met people who make no secret of the fact that their only reason for stirring at such an ungodly hour of the morning is so that they can leave the office earlier in the afternoon. I have suggested to several of these eight-hour logicians that they ought to start work at ten o'clock at night, thereby allowing them to leave at six in the morning and perhaps even arrive home before it is time to get up. Some even took this for a serious suggestion. In my opinion, only bakers need to work early in the morning.

~ Timur Vermes

Sometimes people hate you. Just hate them back.

~ Abby Shanley

Irritatingly angry people have no sense of humor when wearing their “angry pants.

~ Cathy Burnham Martin

People think I am younger then I really am,because I act so immature.

~ James Hauenstein

Falling in love is stupid, and whatsmore a waste of time. It's a thing for love-obsessed psycho's and dreamers. And that's exactly why people fall in it. And I don't blame them.

~ Isaiah Durrin

Perhaps I am like you. I love the byways, the tiny adventures, the faces that smile for an instant and are gone, a little boy with his face between the railings of a fence, watching the shoes go by. What is he thinking about? The people and their joys and sorrows? No way, he is seeing the shoes, shoes that tramp, limp, scuffle along, and perhaps his greatest concern is the tiny bug they might step on.It is probably the true meaning of compassionate, wondering about people's passions, thier feelings. Passion, one of the loveliest words in the language, one of the most misunderstood. One can have a love for so many things, but novelists sometimes overwork the word. Perhaps one can have a passionate belief, but not a passionate love for a car or asparagus. Passion is private, gentle, consuming, understanding and personal. It expresses so many things but does not belong to lipstick. It is in nature, pictures, people, always people. I suppose compassion begins when you watch the shoes and worry about the bug.

~ Leonard Budgell

My objection to war was not that I had to kill somebody or be killed senselessly, that hardly mattered. What I objected to was to be denied the right to sit in a small room and starve and drink cheap wine and go crazy in my own way and at my own leisure.

~ Charles Bukowski

Wait, I got it. We, uh, won the battle and lost the war, or was it the other way around? 'Cause around here, it's hard to tell sometimes.

~ Kami Garcia

Anyway, why would you trust anything written down? She certainly didn't trust Mothers of Borogravia! and that was from the government. And if you couldn't trust the government, who could you trust?Very nearly everyone, come to think of it...

~ Terry Pratchett

At 8:23 there seemed every chance of a lasting alliance starting between Florin and Guilder.At 8:24 the two nations were very close to war.

~ William Goldman

My Gullah grandfather is bringing a bag of dust to a vampire war. I feel better.

~ Elle Jasper

I love that name. A country named Chad. Sounds like somebody who lived next door to the Brady Bunch. But if Chad actually lived next door to the Bradys, Greg would be roasting over a slow fire and Marcia would be standing naked on an auction block, because Chad is one of the hungriest, craziest, most desperate places on the planet.

~ Gary Brecher

Girls at war opt for a quieter cruelty than fistfights and drive-by shootings. Girls circumvent the corporeal and go straight for each other's souls. The bleeding is harder to stanch.

~ Jillian Lauren

Major Major never sees anyone in his office while he's in his office.

~ Joseph Heller

ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

~ Ambrose Bierce

He claimed that nearby gun thunder cleared the mind - but most everybody else agreed it made you daft.

~ Vernor Vinge

Those darling byegone times, Mr Carker,' said Cleopatra, 'with their delicious fortresses, and their dear old dungeons, and their delightful places of torture, and their romantic vengeances, and their picturesque assaults and sieges, and everything that makes life truly charming! How dreadfully we have degenerated!

~ Charles Dickens

I didn't want to die - not before I'd finished reading The Return of the Native anyhow.

~ Siegfried Sassoon

Brigan, could you attempt, at least, to make yourself presentable? I know this is a war, but the rest of us are trying to pretend it’s a party.

~ Kristin Cashore

If you asked why the post had not come, or why the boat did not sail for England, or why your coffee was cold, or why your boots were not cleaned, or why your window was shut, or why the canary didn't sing,-you would always be sure to be told, c'est la guerre!

~ Louise Mack

The sergeants are shunted forward and they blink and stare up at Gonzo as he leans on the edge of his giant mixing bowl. MacArthur never addressed his troops from a mixing bowl--not even one made from a spare geodesic radio emplacement shell--and certainly de Gaulle never did. But Gonzo Lubitsch does, and he does it as if a whole long line of commanders were standing at his shoulder, urging h

~ Nick Harkaway

It is a foible of our human nature that when we have an extremely unpleasant experience, it gives us a peculiar satisfaction if it is “the biggest” of its disagreeable kind that has happened since the world began. During a heat wave, for instance, we are very pleased if the papers announce that it is “the highest temperature reached since the year 1881,” and we feel a little resentment towards the year 1881 for having gone us one better. Or if our ears are frozen till all the skin peels off, it fills us with a certain happiness to learn that “it was the hardest frost recorded since 1786.” It is just the same with wars. The war in progress is either the most righteous or the bloodiest, or the most successful, or the longest, since such and such a time; any superlative whatever always affords us the proud satisfaction of having been through something extraordinary and record-breaking.

~ Karel Čapek

What are we doing, burying bodies? Admittedly, this would be a lace to do it. Isolated, off any main roads.Nope. We're going to war.

~ Kelley York

... it would matter ... to the tens of thousands of young Americans ... who would ... be invited to put on uniforms, fly to the other side of the world, spread their nether cheeks, and sit down on the big green dildo that was Vietnam.

~ Stephen King

No. No, it was a lonely writer I met one stormy day in Laguna Beach. He had a poem about Thelonious Monk that he sealed in a tin can and labeled Campbell's Cream of Piano Soup. Later I hear he killed himself to avoid the draft.

~ Tom Robbins

I suppose we ought to be getting home, in any case.”“Oh god, is it wartime already?”“Look on the bright side: it’ll be dinner when we get back.

~ Chris Cleave

Then I’m tempted to die just to … spite him.”“That’s the spirit that will win us the war.

~ Chris Cleave

Love and war. Same coin. Different sides. I'm too wrinkled for either.Maybe war will breathe some life into your old bones.Well, I tried love last month. He leans close. Didn't work like it used to.Too honest, Lorn. I can't help but laugh.

~ Pierce Brown

Will you stay in Germany?''No. Somewhere different.''Like where?''Somewhere there was no war. Ireland maybe.

~ Audrey Magee