Humor Quotes

You can't believe everything people tell you - not even if those people are your own brain.

~ Jefferson Smith

Charm is often despised but I can never see why. No one has it who isn't capable of genuinely liking others, at least at the actual moment of meeting and speaking. Charm is always genuine; it may be superficial but it isn't false.

~ P.d. James

Don't talk for five minutes, there's a good chap! I've a strange feeling come over me--almost as if I were going to think!

~ Aleister Crowley

I was glad to be made awarethat “Veimke” (jeune fille au pair),is subject to natural law,and can be made fat,by such things as poor diet,and alcohol.

~ Roman Payne

And I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get, I don't know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls. That's all I'm saying.

~ Dylan Moran

All right. He straightened up and seemed to be true to his promise to let it go. I will be a man about this.That lasted until he saw the scratches on the hood from the mountain lion and the front fender, Where Abigail had dragged it off the driveway.Wailing, he went to it and sank to his knees. He sprawled over the hood and laid his head on the damaged fender. I'm so sorry, Bets. I should of hidden the keys. Booted your tires. Something. I had know idea anyone would hurt you so, baby. I swear I'll never let anyone hurt you again. Ayyy, how could they do this to you? How? Oh the humanity!

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

First of all, you must never speak of anything by its name -- in that country. So, if you see a tree on a mountain, it will be better to say 'Look at the green on the high'; for that's how they talk -- in that country. And whatever you do, you must find a false reason for doing it -- in that country. If you rob a man, you must say it is to help and protect him: that's the ethics -- of that country. And everything of value has no value at all -- in that country. You must be perfectly commonplace if you want to be a genius -- in that country. And everything you like you must pretend not to like; and anything that is there you must pretend is not there -- in that country. And you must always say that you are sacrificing yourself in the cause of religion, and morality, and humanity, and liberty, and progress, when you want to cheat your neighbour -- in that country.Good heavens! cried Iliel, 'are we going to England?

~ Aleister Crowley

Had that poor Reilly kook really been proud of Levy Pants? He had always said that he was. That was one good sign of his insanity.

~ John Kennedy Toole

Sasha snorted. I have never in my extremely long life seen anyone take so long to answer a question. It's like you went into your brain and got lost. you need a bread crumb, buddy? He made a noise like he was calling his pet. Here Lassie, here. Come back girl.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

I attributed their behavior to the fact that they didn't have a TV, but television didn't teach you everything. Asking for candy on Halloween was called trick-or-treating, but asking for candy on November first was called begging, and it made people uncomfortable. This was one of the things you were supposed to learn simply by being alive, and it angered me that the Tomkeys did not understand it.

~ David Sedaris

This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

~ Dorothy Parker

Igor?' said Moist. 'You have an Igor?'Oh, yes,' said Hubert. 'That's how I get this wonderful light. They know the secret of storing lightning in jars! But don't let that worry you, Mr Lipspick. Just because I'm employing an Igor and working in a cellar doesn't mean I'm some sort of madman, ha ha ha!'Ha ha,' agreed Moist.Ha hah hah!,' said Hubert. 'Hahahahahaha!! Ahahahahahahhhhh!!!!!-'Bent slapped him on the back. Hubert coughed.Sorry about that, it's the air down here,' he mumbled.

~ Terry Pratchett

I learned early and at that kitchen table that there are ways of avoiding, without guilt, the commitments of love.

~ P.d. James

You must master the vices. You know that if a thing is worth doing it's worth doing well. If, however, a thing is not worth doing then it's worth doing fabulously, amazingly, with grace, style and panache.

~ Isla Dewar

It was long after midnight and the stars looked damp and chilly; the air was full of the busy silence of the night, which is created by hundreds of small furry things treading very carefully in the hope of finding dinner while avoiding being the main course.

~ Terry Pratchett

Did I say stab of Self Pity? No, I was trekking through the Swamp of Self Pity at this point, waist deep in my own stinking shit.

~ Nicole Hamlett

Did you just seriously quote Grease? I think I'm gonna have to revoke your man card.

~ Elizabeth Sharp

It is not true that the English invented cricket as a way of making all other human endeavors look interesting and lively, that was merely an unintended side effect.

~ Bill Bryson

I didn't feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never get out.

~ Diane Castle

Your king is SUPPOSED to explode? What kind of government system is that?

~ Jefferson Smith

As Samson demonstrated, going bald ruins lives.

~ Brendan Jack

All I really, really want to do is find a very, very fine chocolate store that I can walk into and then figure out how in the world one manages to pick out just a few chocolates out of all those very many chocolates! If I am one day able to walk into a fine chocolate store and know for certain which chocolates I want, when that happens, I will believe myself to be accomplished!

~ C. Joybell C.

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humor. He will always use it in evidence against you.

~ Herbert Beerbohm Tree

When the bishop farted we were amused to hear about it. Should the ploughboy find treasure we must be told. But when the ploughboy farts... er... keep it to yourself.

~ Kingsley Amis

You cannot, it seems, let children run about the streets. People who have seen them running wild in Russia say that the sight is not a pleasant one.

~ Virginia Woolf

I remembered that Beethoven's symphonies had sometimes been given names... they should have call [the Fifth] the Vampire, because it simply refused to lie down and die.

~ Alan Bradley

What the hell are you doing here? You weren't on the guest list. Hell, you people aren't on anybody's guest list. If you turned up at a funeral, the corpse would walk out on you.

~ Simon R. Green

Bottled, was he? Said Colonel Bantry, with an Englishman's sympathy for alcoholic excess. Oh, well, can't judge a fellow by what he does when he's drunk? When I was at Cambridge, I remember I put a certain utensil - well - well, nevermind.

~ Agatha Christie

...the primary paradox that man is superior to all the things around him and yet is at their mercy.

~ G.k. Chesterton

The men who made the joke saw something deep which they could not express except by something silly and emphatic.

~ G.k. Chesterton

In fact the bare adjective bad hardly scratches the surface of the man's awesome incapacity.

~ John Biggins

Where do rumors come from, Sir Kofa? i was truly curious to know the answer.Where don't they come from? I suppose the majority of rumors are a combination of leaked information and the astouding imaginations of numerous storytellers. And, of course, the hope that things aren't really as boring as they seem on the surface.

~ Max Frei

People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children's story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great poets to be dead. And these are all very difficult expectations to fulfill, I think.

~ C. Joybell C.

This is not the way things are done in Boy’s Own Adventure books. I recall no mentions of homosexual gang-rape and cannibalism

~ Robert Rankin

If you want to find out if someone is a true bookworm or not, give them a thousand page novel and see what happens.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

It was almost noon when the plane touched down at the Triad airport on the outskirts of Greensboro. There was a hire car waiting for me; I waved my notepad at the dashboard to transmit my profile, then waited as the seating and controls rearranged themselves slightly, piezoelectric actuators humming. As I started to reverse out of the parking bay, the stereo began a soothing improvisation, flashing up a deadpan title: Music for Leaving Airports 11 June 2008.

~ Greg Egan

God in his infinite wisdomDid not make me very wise-So when my actions are stupidThey hardly take God by surprise.

~ Langston Hughes

Whew,' he said, 'I'm glad that's over, Thomas. I've been feeling awfully bad about it.' It was only too evident that he no longer did.

~ Graham Greene

...we've already had one horrible thing happen today, which means that if you think about it the odds of anything else horrible happening again in the next few hours should now be quite low.

~ Joshua Donellan

The thought of talking about it made Pueblo's gut ache, but then he thought of everything that Amy had been through – not that she'd told him her version yet. She had balls of steel, he thought with a smile. And what did he have? Three pairs of loin cloths going crisp on the radiator.

~ Dianna Hardy