Humor Quotes

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

~ Ellen Degeneres

It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.

~ Dale Carnegie

MenThey hail you as their morning starBecause you are the way you are.If you return the sentiment,They'll try to make you different;And once they have you, safe and sound,They want to change you all around.Your moods and ways they put a curse on;They'd make of you another person.They cannot let you go your gait;They influence and educate.They'd alter all that they admired.They make me sick, they make me tired.

~ Dorothy Parker

What’s your name?' she asked, and surprised herself. But for some reason, she wanted to know.Dean’s brother—he hadn’t been just some nameless Bad Guy Number Four. This vampire wasn’t, either. He had a name, a history, maybe even people who cared what happened to him.'My name is none of your business,' he said, and continued to stare out the window, even though there was nothing but blurry brick out there.'Can I call you None for short?

~ Rachel Caine

I was supposed to write a romantic comedy, but my characters broke up.

~ Ann Brashares

Arthur: If I asked you where the hell we were, would I regret it?Ford: We're safe.Arthur: Oh good.Ford: We're in a small galley cabin in one of the spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet. that I wasn't previously aware of.

~ Douglas Adams

In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing.

~ Oscar Wilde

Arthur blinked at the screens and felt he was missing something important. Suddenly he realized what it was.Is there any tea on this spaceship? he asked.

~ Douglas Adams

Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You've Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them.

~ Neil Gaiman

Fiction was invented the day Jonah arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale..

~ Gabriel García Márquez

Down in the water, Octavian yelled, “Get me out of here! I’ll kill you!”“Tempting,” Percy called down.

~ Rick Riordan

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

~ W.c. Fields

Peter, you're twelve years old. I'm ten. They have a word for people our age. They call us children and they treat us like mice.

~ Orson Scott Card

But Piglet is so small that he slips into a pocket, where it is very comfortable to feel him when you are not quite sure whether twice seven is twelve or twenty-two.

~ A.a. Milne

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

~ Ogden Nash

Beds empty! No note! Car gone — could have crashed — out of my mind with worry — did you care? — never, as long as I’ve lived — you wait until your father gets home, we never had trouble like this from Bill or Charlie or Percy —Perfect Percy,” muttered Fred. —”It seemed to go on for hours. Mrs. Weasley had shouted herself hoarse before she turned on Harry, who backed away.“I’m very pleased to see you, Harry, dear,” she said.

~ J.k. Rowling

Basically, everyone thinks--knows--how sweet I am.Emma, you threw my sister through hurricane-proof glass.

~ Anna Banks

Kenji snorts.“That’s because you’re not fragile,” Kenji says. “If anything, everyone needs to protect themselves from you. You’re like a freaking beast,” he says. Then adds, “I mean, you know—like, a cute beast. A little beast that tears shit up and breaks the earth and sucks the life out of people.

~ Tahereh Mafi

Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

We're actors — we're the opposite of people!

~ Tom Stoppard

Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!

~ Bill Hicks

Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.

~ René Descartes

Me and Katy look adorkable in extraterrestrialhighway shirts. You would just look stupid. You can thank me later.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

James - Are you paying attention or just trying to make me look like an idoit?Elizabeth - Oh, I'm definately paying attention. If you look like an idiot it has nothing to do with me.

~ Julia Quinn

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

~ George Carlin

Usually my form of turning someone down was shoving a stake through his heart while smirking, Gotcha!

~ Jeaniene Frost

No brain at all, some of them [people], only grey fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake, and they don't Think.

~ A.a. Milne

If you're going to make a science fiction movie, then have a hover craft chase, for God's sake.

~ Joss Whedon

Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.

~ Tina Fey

Kat laughed. 'Who wants to live forever?'Kish put his hand up. 'For the record, I do.'Sin scowled at him. 'Then why do you irritate me so often?'Suicidal tendencies are inherent in my species?

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

~ Arthur Conan Doyle

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

~ Douglas Macarthur

Sometimes I think I must have a Guardian Idiot. A little invisible spirit just behind my shoulder, looking out for me...only he's an imbecile.

~ Spider Robinson

I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.

~ Peter De Vries

Evey Hammond: Who are you? V: Who? Who is but the form following the function of what and what I am is a man in a mask. Evey Hammond: Well I can see that. V: Of course you can. I'm not questioning your powers of observation I'm merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is

~ Alan Moore

He looked back at her, and when she saw the look on his face, she saw his eyes at Renwick’s, when he had watched the Portal that separated him from his home shatter into a thousand irretrievable pieces. He held her gaze for a split second, then looked away from her, the muscles in his throat working.

~ Cassandra Clare

The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.

~ John Bingham

Room service? Send up a larger room.]

~ Groucho Marx

What’s not so great is that all this technology is destroying our social skills. Not only have we given up on writing letters to each other, we barely even talk to each other. People have become so accustomed to texting that they’re actually startled when the phone rings. It’s like we suddenly all have Batphones. If it rings, there must be danger. Now we answer, “What happened? Is someone tied up in the old sawmill?”“No, it’s Becky. I just called to say hi.”“Well you scared me half to death. You can’t just pick up the phone and try to talk to me like that. Don’t the tips of your fingers work?

~ Ellen Degeneres

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

~ Scott Dikkers