Humor Quotes

Are you an idiot, or an idiot?' Gargarin hissed.'The first one. I really resent being called the second.

~ Melina Marchetta

Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black.

~ Henry Ford

Katsa and Po were trying to drown each other and, judging from their hoots of laughter, enjoying it immensely.

~ Kristin Cashore

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

~ Darynda Jones

Housework can kill you if done right.

~ Erma Bombeck

I am not sure I trust you.You can trust me with your life, My King.But not with my wine, obviously. Give it back.

~ Megan Whalen Turner

Kitten, this is my best mate, Charles, but you can call him Spade. Charles, this is Cat, the woman I’ve been telling you about. You can see for yourself that everything I’ve said is…an understatement.

~ Jeaniene Frost

Gabi to Marcus I can't believe out of one hundred thousand sperm, you were the fastest!

~ Cherise Sinclair

What...what about when I'm married?”“We'll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits.

~ Stephanie Perkins

She'd absolutely adored the library_an entire building where anyone could take things they didn't own and feel no remorse about it.

~ Ally Carter

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

~ Chelsea Handler

Have you made any other friends since we've been here?I gave him the death stare. Yes, actually.Who? I want a name.Jamie Roth.The Ebola kid? I heard he's a little unstable.That was one incident.

~ Michelle Hodkin

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

~ Steve Martin

The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can’t shut your mind.

~ Terry Pratchett

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

~ Mel Brooks

I hugged him without any kind of fear or self-consciousness, fiercely, with a rush of emotion that almost brought tears to my eyes.I could kiss you! Chubs cried.Please don't! I gasp out, feeling his arms tighten around my ribs to the point of cracking them.

~ Alexandra Bracken

It is one of those lessons that every child should learn: Don't play with fire, sharp objects, or ancient artifacts.

~ Patricia Briggs

Scientists talk about dark matter, the invisible, mysterious substance that occupies the space between stars. Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of the universe, and they don't know what it is. Well I do. It's apathy. That's the truth of it; pile together everything we know and care about in the universe and it will still be nothing more than a tiny speck in the middle of a vast black ocean of Who Gives a Fuck.

~ David Wong

Succotash my cocker spaniel, you fudging crevasse-hole dipshiitake!

~ Jonathan Safran Foer

If you can't win by reason, go for volume.

~ Bill Watterson

The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.

~ Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra

Sigh?Eye roll

~ Colleen Hoover

It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

~ Mark Twain

Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has all the best choreographers.

~ Neil Gaiman

Can you define plan as a loose sequence of manifestly inadequate observations and conjectures, held together by panic, indecision, and ignorance? If so, it was a very good plan.

~ Jonathan Stroud

I glanced up to see Liz and smiled. Thank you. I just went along for the ride. After that happened- She waved at Derek. You know how blind people need Seeing Eye dogs? Well, apparently werewolves could really use Opening Door poltergeists.

~ Kelley Armstrong

I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

I really believe, or want to believe, really I am nuts, otherwise I'll never be sane.

~ Allen Ginsberg

When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.

~ Mark Twain

An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.

~ Albert Einstein

I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

~ Steven Wright

...cursing my heels and debating whether it was faster to stop and take them off--damn ankle straps!--or keep running with the potential neck breakers. Wouldn’t that make a charming epitaph? Here lies Cat. Killed not by fang, but Ferragamos.

~ Jeaniene Frost

Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys.

~ George R.r. Martin

We'd spent maybe ten minutes together, during which time I'd accidentally swung a sword at her, she'd saved my life, and I'd run away chased by a band of supernatural killing machines. You know, your typical chance meeting.

~ Rick Riordan

What's going on? Newt asked, looking back and forth between Thomas and Aris. Why're you guys looking at each other like you just fell in love?

~ James Dashner

The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks.

~ Douglas Adams

Still it might be nice, once in a while, not to have to choose between evils. Just once, couldn't I choose the lesser good?

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

Do you love him?There were only a few people in the world who could ask me such insanely personal questions without getting punched. Dimitri was one of them.

~ Richelle Mead

Kira: L, do you knowGods of deathlove apples?L: Damn you, Kira...

~ Tsugumi Ohba

Kenji has a hand pressed to his mouth, desperately trying to suppress a smile. He’s shaking his head, holding up a hand in apology. And then he breaks, laughing out loud, snorting as he tries to muffle the sound. “I’m sorry,” he says, pressing his lips together, shaking his head again. “This is not a funny moment. It’s not. I’m not laughing

~ Tahereh Mafi