Humor Quotes

There's a difference between preferring books to parties and preferring sixteen cats to seeing the light of day.

~ Lauren Morrill

Charlie whistled Amazing Grace as he drove. It was all I could do not to whip my head around and snap, Are you kidding me? Couldn't he pick something more appropriate, like Shout at the Devil or Don't fear the Reaper? Some people had no sense of the proper music for a kidnapping.

~ Jeaniene Frost

Don’t put off till tomorrow anyone you could be doing today.

~ Emma Chase

I'll not listen to reason... reason always means what someone else has got to say.

~ Elizabeth Gaskell

Another werewolf thing. Like most animals, we spent a large part of our lives engaged in the three Fs of basic survival. Feeding, fighting and... reproduction.

~ Kelley Armstrong

Ayame: Yuki, let's deepen the bond between us brothers!Yuki: Before you can do that I'll drown you in the deepest part of that lake.Ayame: As long as we spend time together.Yuki: On second thought, go drown yourself.

~ Natsuki Takaya

If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.

~ Mark Twain

You look as scary as a buttered muffin.

~ Tamora Pierce

Caliph Vathek and his dark hordeAre bound for Hell, you won’t be bored!Your faith in me will be restored—Unless this token you find untowardAnd my poor gift you have ignored.

~ Cassandra Clare

Of course, it is boring to read about boring thing, but it is better to read something that makes you yawn with boredom than something that will make you weep uncontrollably, pound your fists against the floor, and leave tearstains all over your pillowcase, sheets, and boomerang collection.

~ Lemony Snicket

Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

~ Mark Twain

In the present case it is a little inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible to any public office of trust or profit in the Republic. But I do not repine, for I am a subject of it only by force of arms.

~ H.l. Mencken

Don't care for her tongue, do you? How strange. I find it one of my favorite parts.Bones to Gregor

~ Jeaniene Frost

The road to creativity passes so close to the madhouse and often detours or ends there.

~ Ernest Becker

I actually like how doctors talk. I like the sound of science. I like how words you don't understand explain things you can't understand.

~ R.j. Palacio

Where I come from, we're more about efficiency,' he replies. 'A knife like this'll skewer food, smear butter, and slit throats all at the same time.

~ Marie Lu

NO PDA,school rules. And besides she's my partner dickhead. said Alex.

~ Simone Elkeles

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

~ Lewis Black

You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt

~ Darynda Jones

I think the very word stalking implies that you're not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called 'fluffy harmless observation time'.

~ Molly Harper

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

~ Dave Barry

Death didn't bother me much. Strong Christian and all that. Method of death did. Being eaten alive. One of my top three ways not to go out.

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

It seems that the young woman made some indelicate suggestion of a threesome...When I got there, Miss Nash was standing by the hot tub in a small bikini, pointing the business end of a SIG-Sauer P-226 at her fella and concerned members of the hotel staff, while dunking the scantily clad female's head under the water and asking, Who's diving for clams now, bitch?

~ Ilona Andrews

Either you go to America with Mrs. Van Hopper or you come home to Manderley with me.Do you mean you want a secretary or something?No, I'm asking you to marry me, you little fool.

~ Daphne Du Maurier

Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi? I asked Leif.She thought I could assist you in some way. Instead, I had tried to-Kill me? You can join the 'I Want to Kill Yelena Guild.' I hear they have sixmembers in good standing.Valek is president since he had wanted to kill me twice.--Yelena to Leif

~ Maria V. Snyder

Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.

~ Jules Renard

Molly: So how do you think of Bryce Hamilton crowd so far? Boys hot enough for you?Bethany: I wouldn't say hot. Most of them seem to have a normal body temperature.

~ Alexandra Adornetto

And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement, and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after, without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done...which proves that you can be excused for just about anything if you are a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions.

~ Terry Pratchett

I spilled more times than a glass of milk on a roller coaster.

~ Scott Westerfeld

[Myrnin to Claire about their costumes of Pierrot and Harlequin, respectively]Don't they teach you anything in your schools?.Pity. I suppose that's what comes of your main education flowing from Google.

~ Rachel Caine

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

The truth is, every son raised by a single mom is pretty much born married. I don't know, but until your mom dies it seems like all the other women in your life can never be more than just your mistress.

~ Chuck Palahniuk

Well, spit on my empty grave--if it ain't the attack of the Disney princesses!

~ Amy Plum

Just wait until he figures out I shut him out of his slut hut.

~ Ilona Andrews

Sometimes when it looks like I'm deep in thought I'm just trying not to have a conversation with people.

~ Pete Wentz

He smiled at that, and then his gaze shifted to a spot over my shoulder and it faded. 'These doubts wouldn’t have anything to do with the company you’re keeping of late, would they?'I didn’t get a chance to answer before the shop door was thrown open and a furious war mage stomped in. Pritkin spotted me and his eyes narrowed.'You shaved my legs?!'Mircea looked at me and folded his arms across his chest. I looked from one unhappy face to the other and suddenly remembered that I had somewhere else to be.

~ Karen Chance

Well enough,” I reply. “Remember, you’re drunk. And happy. You’re supposed to be lusting over your escort. Try smiling a little more.” like I’m lusting? This is me, lusting.” His lashes flutter at me. better.

~ Marie Lu

Tell you what, you let me go, and I’ll ask you plenty of questions about your race. Until then, I’m slightly distracted with how this little vacation on the good ship Holy Sh*t is going to pan out for me.

~ J.r. Ward

Stop! Narcissus got to his feet. This is not right! This person is obviously not awesome, so he must be... He struggled for the right words. It had probably been a long time since he'd talked about anything other than himself. He must be tricking us. Apparently Narcissus wasn't completely stupid.

~ Rick Riordan

Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I've longed--

~ Rachel Hawkins