Humor Quotes

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

~ Will Rogers

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

~ Edward Verrall Lucas

Look! said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, Someone who cares!

~ Eoin Colfer

If you think I'm going to let six people risk their lives - !''because it's the first time for all of us,' said Ron.'This is different, pretending to be me -''Well, none of us really fancy it, Harry,' said Fred earnestly. 'Imagine if something went wrong and we were stuck as specky, scrawny gits forever.'Harry did not smile. 'You can't do it if I don't cooperate, you need me to give you some hair.''Well, that's the plan scuppered,' said George. 'Obviously there's no chance at all of us getting a bit of your hair unless you cooperate.''Yeah, thirteen of us against one bloke who's not allowed to use magic; we've got no chance,' said Fred.

~ J.k. Rowling

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

~ Ronald Reagan

I'm a werewolf trapped in a human body.Well, yeah, that's kind of the definition.No, really. I'm trapped.Oh? When was the last time you shape-shifted?That's just it - I've never shape-shifted.So you're not really a werewolf.Not yet. But I was meant to be one, I just know it. How do I get a werewolf to attack me?Stand in the middle of a forest under a full moon with a raw steak tied to your face, holding a sign that says, 'Eat me; I'm stupid'?

~ Carrie Vaughn

I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble.

~ Janet Evanovich

And Nate? You kiss like a slobbering dog, you have bad breath, and you wouldn't know how to punch the right buttons on a girl if we came with manuals. Happy Thanksgiving, Jackass.

~ Elizabeth Eulberg

Frank didn’t drop you on purpose,” she said. “He’s not like that. He’s just a little clumsy sometimes.”“Oops,” Leo said, in his best Frank Zhang voice. “Dropped Leo into a squad of enemy soldiers. Dang it!

~ Rick Riordan

Any idiot can put up a website.

~ Patricia Briggs

Okay, seriously, I dont know if this is true or not, but I heard people who use profanity are trying to compensate for their lack of you know... size -Tuck

~ Simone Elkeles

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.

~ George Bernard Shaw

Call me sentimental, but there's no-one in the world that I'd like to see get dysentery more than you

~ David Nicholls

When I'm out of politics I'm going to run a business, it'll be called rent-a-spine

~ Margaret Thatcher

You have a very open relationship with your fans.Yes. We have an open relationship. Obviously they can see other authors if they want, and I can see other readers.

~ Neil Gaiman

He whipped out his sheet, then pulled it over himself and wrapped it tightly around his face like an old woman in a shawl. 'How do I look?''Like the ugliest shanky girl I’ve ever seen,' Minho responded. 'You better thank the gods above you were born a dude.' 'Thanks.

~ James Dashner

I had no desire to hear another woman tell my boyfriend how hot he was. If I wanted him to know, I'd damn well tell him myself.

~ Rachel Vincent

I don’t believe in astrology, I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

~ Arthur C. Clarke

It was amazing how many books one could fit into a room, assuming one didn't want to move around very much.

~ Brandon Sanderson

...slow and drunk is no match for fast and scared shitless.

~ Ransom Riggs

If you are good life is good.

~ Roald Dahl

Ack! I said.Fearless master of the witty dialogue, that's me.

~ Jim Butcher

Spike (to Giles) : Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes — 'Cuppa tea, cuppa tea... almost got shagged... cuppa tea'?

~ Marti Noxon

Writing is like getting married. One should never commit oneself until one is amazed at one's luck.

~ Iris Murdoch

A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old.

~ Eoin Colfer

FABLEHAVEN: None who enter will leave unchanged. Trespassers will be turned to stone.

~ Brandon Mull

No, I do my torturing in the dungeon like any other respectable castle owner

~ Jeaniene Frost

Actors are so fortunate. They can choose whether they will appear in tragedy or in comedy, whether they will suffer or make merry, laugh or shed tears. But in real life it is different. Most men and women are forced to perform parts for which they have no qualifications. Our Guildensterns play Hamlet for us, and our Hamlets have to jest like Prince Hal. The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.

~ Oscar Wilde

He who laughs last laughs the laughiest.

~ Louise Rennison

This is a mournful discovery.1)Those who agree with you are insane2)Those who do not agree with you are in power.

~ Philip K. Dick

He’s a love-’em-and-leave-’em kind of guy. And though he’s not a Lord, he does have a curse hanging over his head. I have the book to prove it.”William growled low in his throat. “Anya! Must you share my secrets with everyone?” He flattened his palms on the arms of his chair. “Fine. If you can spill, I can, too. Anya’s the reason the Titanic sank. She was playing chicken with the icebergs.”Scowling, Anya anchored her hands on her hips. “William had a bronze made of his penis and placed it on his mantel.

~ Gena Showalter

Some have brains, and some haven't, ... and there it is.

~ A.a. Milne

Katniss: 'What about you? Ive seen you in the market. You can lift hundred pound bags of flour'. I snap at himTell him that. Thats not nothing.Peeta: Yes and Im sure the arena will be full of bags of flour for me to chuck at people.

~ Suzanne Collins

Things on the essential list: vodka, Nine Inch Nails, a steady supply of mortal men, and an all-purpose bitchy attitude.

~ Richelle Mead

You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.

~ Justin Halpern

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

~ Sam Levenson

As far as I can tell, there are two basic (kissing) rules: 1. Don't bite anything without permission. 2. The human tongue is like wasabi: it's very powerful, and should be used sparingly.

~ John Green

She came awake, stomach rumbling, and opened her eyes to see a plate being held right under her nose. When she reached for it, Shane snatched it back. 'Nuh-uh. Mine.''Share!' she demanded.'Man, you are one grabby girlfriend.'She grinned. It always made her feel so fiercly warm inside to hear him say that- the girlfriend part, not the grabby part. 'If you love me, you'll give me a taco.''Seriously? That's all you got? What about you'll do sexy, illegal things to me for a taco?''Not for a taco,' she said. 'I'm not cheap.''They're brisket tacos.''Now you're talking.

~ Rachel Caine

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

You climbed into my window in the middle of the night. So, either you're some kind of Vampire or some kind of Perv. Which is it?

~ Kami Garcia