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Humor Quotes

Humor quote from classy quote

What grinds me the most is we're sending kids out into the world who don't know how to balance a checkbook, don't know how to apply for a loan, don't even know how to properly fill out a job application, but because they know the quadratic formula we consider them prepared for the world`With that said, I'll admit even I can see how looking at the equation x -3 = 19 and knowing x =22 can be useful. I'll even say knowing x =7 and y= 8 in a problem like 9x - 6y= 15 can be helpful. But seriously, do we all need to know how to simplify (x-3)(x-3i)??And the joke is, no one can continue their education unless they do. A student living in California cannot get into a four-year college unless they pass Algebra 2 in high school. A future psychologist can't become a psychologist, a future lawyer can't become a lawyer, and I can't become a journalist unless each of us has a basic understanding of engineering.Of course, engineers and scientists use this shit all the time, and I applaud them! But they don't take years of theater arts appreciation courses, because a scientist or an engineer doesn't need to know that 'The Phantom of the Opoera' was the longest-running Broadway musical of all time.Get my point?

~ Chris Colfer

Chris Colfer Education Humor School

He gazed amusedly down the table at Tessa. “You’re the shape-changer, aren’t you?” he said. “Magnus Bane told me about you. No mark on you at all, they say.” Tessa swallowed and looked him straight in the eye. They were discordantly human eyes, ordinary in his extraordinary face. “No. No mark.” He grinned around his fork. “I do suppose they’ve looked everywhere?” “I’m sure Will’s tried,” said Jessamine in a bored tone.

~ Cassandra Clare

Cassandra Clare Humor Tessa Gray

You're getting into some kind of shape, cop.Aw, come on, now. Butch grinned. Don't let that shower we took go to your head.Rhage fired a towel at the male. Just pointing out your beer gut's gone.It was a Scotch pot. And I don't miss it.

~ J.r. Ward

J.r. Ward Exercise Friendship Humor Vampire

Percy was getting tired of water.If he said that aloud, he would probably get kicked out of Poseidon’s Junior Sea Scouts, but he didn’t care.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Humor Percy Jackson Percy Jackson And The Olympians Poseidon The Heroes Of Olympus The Mark Of Athena

I don't need anything to get high. I'm high on life.

~ Melissa De La Cruz

Melissa De La Cruz Blue Blood High Humor

In a totally sane society, madness is the only freedom.

~ J.g. Ballard

J.g. Ballard Humor

Anyone who knew the word slattern was worth cultivating as a friend.

~ Alan Bradley

Alan Bradley Friendship Humor Vocabulary

Kids. You gotta love them. I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon--perfect.

~ Jim Butcher

Jim Butcher Dresden Humor Kids Storm_Front

He was painfully shy, which, as is often the manner of the painfully shy, he overcompensated for by being too loud at the wrong times.

~ Neil Gaiman

Neil Gaiman Growing Up Humor

Yes, we'll yell, 'Help, help us, goose girl, and bring the terrifying legion of warrior geese'.

~ Shannon Hale

Shannon Hale Goose Humor Isi Sarcasm

How long have you been with Raphael?”“You ask a lot of questions for a dead woman.”“What can I say? I prefer to die well-informed.”-Venom and Elena

~ Nalini Singh

Nalini Singh Badass Humor Nalini Singh Paranormal Sarcasm

His eyes widened just a bit, his lips flexed. I realized he was trying not to laugh. I hate it when people find my threats amusing.

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

Laurell K. Hamilton Humor Threats

People usually asked her if she had a belly button. Of course she had a belly button. She couldn't explain how. She didn't really want to know.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Athena Bellybutton Humor

Yes, men are pigs. Except your brother, of course. He's actually a decent human being. Almost a woman.-Jillian's mother

~ Gena Showalter

Gena Showalter Humor Men Romance

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

~ Yogi Berra

Yogi Berra Humor Theory Think

That's kind of a leap, but the Russian judge gave you a nine point five for style, so okay.

~ Rachel Caine

Rachel Caine Humor

Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.

~ Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Humor Obama Parking

It was a lame excuse, and I knew that wasn't the reason he was canceling. If he wanted to avoid me, I would have preferred he made up something about how he and the other guardians had to up Moroi security or practice top-secret ninja moves.

~ Richelle Mead

Richelle Mead Humor

Why hasn't anyone killed him yet?”“Dumb luck,” Wit said. “In that I’m lucky you’re all so dumb.

~ Brandon Sanderson

Brandon Sanderson Hoid Humor Luck Wit

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

~ George Carlin

George Carlin Death Family Fun Hell Humor

Of course, it is quite possible to be in the dark in the dark, but there are so many secrets in the world that it is likely that you are always in the dark about one thing or another, whether you are in the dark in the dark or in the dark not in the dark, although the sun can go down so quickly that you may be in the in the dark about being in the dark, only to look around and find yourself no longer in the dark about being in the dark, but in the dark in the dark nontheless, not only because of the dark, but because of the ballerinas in the dark, who are not in the dark about the dark, but also not in the dark about the locked cabinet, and you may be in the dark about the ballerinas digging up the locked cabinet in the dark, even though you are no longer in the dark about being in the dark, and so you are in fact in the dark about being in the dark, even though you are not in the dark about being in the dark, and so you may fall into the hole that the ballerinas have dug, which is dark, in the dark, and in the park.

~ Lemony Snicket

Lemony Snicket Humor

You mean other than the wings? I once ate nine snicker bars in a row without barfing. It was a record.

~ James Patterson

James Patterson Humor Maximum Ride Nudge

You can knock on a deaf man's door forever.

~ Nikos Kazantzakis

Nikos Kazantzakis Humor

Close your eyes and picture it. Can you see it?I nod, eyes closed. its texture, shape, and color—got it?I smile, holding the image in my head. its contours with the tips of your fingers, cradle its weight in the palms of your hands, then combine all of your senses—sight, touch, smell, taste—can you taste it?I bite my lip and suppress a giggle. it! he says.So I do. I do all of those things. And when he groans, I open my eyes to see for myself.. This isn't even close.Nope, nothing fruity about him. I laugh, smiling ateach of my Damens—the replica I manifested before me, and the flesh and blood version beside me. Both of them equally tall, dark, and so devastatingly handsome they hardly seem real.

~ Alyson Noel

Alyson Noel Humor

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

~ Ron White

Ron White Humor Humour Self Knowledge

I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.

~ Derek Landy

Derek Landy Brick Wall Dumb People Humor Humorous Insult Stupidity Vampire Vampire Boyfriend

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

~ H.l. Mencken

H.l. Mencken Funny Humor Joke Kids Respect Smart Wife

An elite confederacy of nerds. My peeps

~ Kathy Reichs

Kathy Reichs Humor

You did not just say that. I have a feeling we're on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.

~ Richelle Mead

Richelle Mead Humor Sarcasm

if something is there, you can only see it with your eyes open, but if it isn't there, you can see it just as well with your eyes closed. That's why imaginary things are often easier to see than real ones.

~ Norton Juster

Norton Juster Children S Fantasy Fiction Humor Illusions Imaginary Imagination On Fiction Reality

Oh! it is absurd to have a hard-and-fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn't read.

~ Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde Algernon Humor Literature Reading

The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.

~ Peter S. Beagle

Peter S. Beagle Funny Humor Unicorn

You wanna go build some shelves with me?

~ Alexandra Bracken

Alexandra Bracken Humor

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

~ Dave Barry

Dave Barry Humor Humour

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

~ Steven Wright

Steven Wright Humor Self Improvement

Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.

~ Yogi Berra

Yogi Berra Humor Pie

Adam's response was buried in the sound of the first-story door falling open. Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, He threw me out the window!Ronan's voice sang out from behind his closed door: You're already dead!

~ Maggie Stiefvater

Maggie Stiefvater Funny Humor Noah Czerny Ronan Lynch

rolf! what? are you really rolling on the floor laughing? well, please stay down there for a sec while I KICK YOUR ASS.

~ David Levithan

David Levithan Abbreviations Acronyms Emoticons Humor Internet Slang

I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic.

~ Sarah Rees Brennan

Sarah Rees Brennan Humor Sarcasm

If I ever form a clan, we'll be the anti-cheerleaders and walk under the bleacher forming mild acts of mayhem.

~ Laurie Halse Anderson

Laurie Halse Anderson Anarchy Humor
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