Humor Quotes

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

~ Ambrose Bierce

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

~ Demetri Martin

No adolescent ever wants to be understood, which is why they complain about being misunderstood all the time.

~ Stephen Fry

I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.

~ Darynda Jones

But we're going to smile and pretend we're fine with the dorky birthmas gifts because people do not get that they can't mush a birthday into christmas.

~ P.c. Cast

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

~ Steven Wright

Jace suggested that the cast of Gilligan's Island could go do something anatomically unlikely with themselves.

~ Cassandra Clare

Civilization is vastly overrated.

~ Patricia Briggs

Explanations exist; they have existed for all time; there is always a well-known solution to every human problem—neat, plausible, and wrong.

~ H.l. Mencken

No one believes you’re serious until bodies start to fall. -Vlad

~ Jeaniene Frost

Fortunately, among werewolf women, the word bitch is not offensive. I was having a lot of fun with that.Hey there, bitches! I called as I came through the door. What are my favorite bitches up to today?

~ Molly Harper

Orion brightened. I have an idea.Yes? said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained.Why don't we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn't work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other.

~ Eoin Colfer

Why on earth would you buy a car like this if you can't drive a stick? There are dozens of cars--new cars--that have automatic transmission. It'd be a million times easier. Adrian shrugged. I like the color. It matches my living room.

~ Richelle Mead

Being a leader is making the people you love hate you a little more each day.

~ Patrick Ness

The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living.

~ Viktor E. Frankl

You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working. Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab.Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons! Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. I mean it!

~ Rachel Caine

He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right? Like what?Like hitting on you.Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way. Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.What? You think he does?Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood.Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?Not enough coffee.

~ Rachel Caine

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and foget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity.

~ Anne Frank

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

~ Mae West

Ride? Rhage snorted. Please. That thing is a sewing machine with an air dam taped to it. My GTO could dust the fucker in fourth gear from a dead stop.When there was an odd sound from behind, John looked back. So did the three Brothers. What. Xhex bristled and crossed her arms over her chest. I can laugh, you know. And that's . . . pretty damn funny. Rhage beamed. I knew I liked you.

~ J.r. Ward

If I was made of cake I'd eat myself before somebody else could.

~ Emma Donoghue

Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

~ Dorothy Parker

Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride - where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.

~ Jane Austen

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

~ Stephen Colbert

There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

I’m forever near a stereo saying, ‘What the fuck is this garbage?’ And the answer is always the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

~ Nick Cave

I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.

~ Christopher Moore

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

~ George Carlin

Cause I'm Irish, and everyone remembers me.

~ Niall Horan

At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.

~ David Sedaris

The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.

~ Stephen Hawking

Hush Hattie! I said, intoxicated with my success. I don't want to go to my room. Everyone must know I shan't marry the prince. I ran to the door to our street, opened it, and called out into the night, I shan't marry the prince. I turned back into the hall and ran to Char and threw my arms about his neck. I shan't marry you. I kissed his cheek. He was safe from me.

~ Gail Carson Levine

It was impossible to get the Dimitri and Tasha thing out of my head, but at least packing and getting ready made sure I didn't devote 100 percent of my brain power to him. More like 95 percent.

~ Richelle Mead

Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?

~ David Sedaris

If I behave as though this is a completely normal situation, then maybe it will be ...

~ Sophie Kinsella

Some kids get called 'bundles of joy' or 'slices of heaven' or 'dreams come true.' We got 'the fifty-fourth generation of DNA experiments.' Doesn't have the same warm and fuzzy feel. But maybe I'm oversensitive.

~ James Patterson

If you're right & I'm not, I'm going to be hell to live with, she said. So, you better think about that next time you want to be right.

~ Brian Andreas

You know how confusing the whole good-evil concept is for me.

~ Jim Butcher

I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids.

~ Stephen King

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

~ Ray Romano