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Humor Quotes

Humor quote from classy quote

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

~ Will Rogers

Will Rogers Funny Humor Media

Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens.

~ Michel De Montaigne

Michel De Montaigne Gods Humor Madness Superstition

Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.

~ Dick Francis

Dick Francis Humor Paraphrased Weirdness

[Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble.] Calvin: Ha! I've got a great word and it's on a Double word score box! Hobbes: ZQFMGB isn't a word! It doesn't even have a vowel! Calvin: It is so a word! It's a worm found in New Guinea! Everyone knows that! Hobbes: I'm looking it up. Calvin: You do, and I'll look up that 12-letter word you played with all the Xs and Js! Hobbes: What's your score for ZQFMGB? Calvin: 957.

~ Bill Watterson

Bill Watterson Humor Scrabble

So what else can I tell you? I asked. I mean, to get you to reveal Lily to me.She triangled her fingers under her chin. Let's see. Are you a bed wetter?Am I a...?Bed wetter. I am asking if you are a bed wetter.I knew she was trying to get me to blink. But I wouldn't.No, ma'am. I leave my beds dry.Not even a little drip every now and then?I'm trying hard to see how this is germane.I'm gauging your honesty. What is the last periodical you read methodically?Vogue. Although, in the interest of full disclosure, that's mostly because I was in my mother's bathroom, enduring a rather long bowel movement. You know, the kind that requires Lamaze.What adjective do you feel the most longing for?That was easy. I will admit I have a soft spot for fanciful.Let's say I have a hundred million dollars and offer it to you. The only condition is that if you take it, a man in China will fall off his bicycle and die. What do you do?I don't understand why it matters whether he's in China or not. And of course I wouldn't take the money.The old woman nodded.Do you think Abraham Lincoln was a homosexual?All I can say for sure is that he never made a pass at me.Are you a museumgoer?Is the pope a churchgoer?When you see a flower painted by Georgia O'Keefe, what comes to mind?That's just a transparent ploy to get me to say the word vagina, isn't it? There. I said it. Vagina.

~ David Levithan

David Levithan Honesty Humor

...I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.'What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.'Employers sense in me a denial of their values.' He rolled over onto his back. 'They fear me. I suspect that they can see that I am forced to function in a century I loathe. This was true even when I worked for the New Orleans Public Library.

~ John Kennedy Toole

John Kennedy Toole Employment Humor Humour Work

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

~ Steven Wright

Steven Wright Humor Writing

You would not enjoy Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

P.g. Wodehouse Humor Nietzsche

An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea. Churchill's response, Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.

~ Winston S. Churchill

Winston S. Churchill Classic Insult Humor Humour Retort

We need to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn't matter, but work is third.

~ Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope Friendship Humor Waffles Work

You know how to shoot?- EmmaYes. My dad taught me everything about gun safety. He was an expert. - HeatherWhat happened to him? -ShannaHe was...shot. -Heather

~ Kerrelyn Sparks

Kerrelyn Sparks Humor

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.

~ Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein Analogy Humor Science

You think I'd cheat on you? I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster.With another guy, no. With a cheeseburger . . . in a heartbeat.

~ Lisa Kleypas

Lisa Kleypas Comedy Humor Romance

The essence of Christianity is told us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the tree of knowledge. The subtext is, 'All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just kept your fucking mouth shut and hadn't asked any questions.

~ Frank Zappa

Frank Zappa Christianity Conservative Democrat Fundamentalism Homosexuality Humor Liberal Progressive Religion Republican Science

George Bush isn't Hitler. He could be if he applied himself.

~ Margaret Cho

Margaret Cho Bush Sucks Humor

We do need a system, and we do need you and your 'Bertos, and sometimes we need Sam to just come along and kick some ass. - Quinn

~ Michael Grant

Michael Grant Gone Series Government Humor Money

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

~ Steven Wright

Steven Wright Books Humor Reading

Actually, I was the very lowest ranked member of the crew. I would only be “in command” if I were the only remaining person.”What do you know? I’m in command

~ Andy Weir

Andy Weir Humor

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tyson pounding the Earthborn into the ground like a game of whack-a-mole. Ella was fluttering above him, dodging missiles and calling out advice: The groin. The Earthborn's groin is sensitive.SMASH!Good. Yes. Tyson found its groin.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Cyclops Groin Humor Son Of Neptune Tyson

There is a proverbial saying chiefly concerned with warning against too closely calculating the numerical value of un-hatched chicks.

~ Neil Gaiman

Neil Gaiman Humor

They don't fit you? V asked his roommate. Not the point. No offense, but these are wicked Village People. Butch held his heavy arms out and turned in a circle, his bare chest catching the light. I mean, come on.They're for fighting, not fashion.So are kilts, but you don't see me rocking the tartan.And thank God for that. You're too bowlegged to pull that shit off.Butch assumed a bored expression. You can bite me.

~ J.r. Ward

J.r. Ward Black Dagger Brotherhood Butch Vishous Humor Paranormal Romance Romance Vishous Vampire

A telkhine was hunched over a console, but he was so involved with his work, he didn't notice us. He was about five feet tall, with slick black seal fur and stubby little feet. He had the head of a Doberman, but his clawed hands were almost human. He growled and muttered as he tapped on his keyboard. Maybe he was messaging his friends on uglyface.com.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Humor Internet Percy Jackson

Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, retired at the end of last year in order to enjoy more time with his remaining limbs.

~ J.k. Rowling

J.k. Rowling Humor

I'm a girl of extremes. When I love something, I'm like a puppy dog (without all the licking). When I'm cranky, I'm a wasp (like a whole hive of 'em). And when I'm angry, I'm a Mother Bear with a predator after her cubs: Dangerous.

~ James Patterson

James Patterson Humor

Music is crucial. Beyond no way can I overstress this fact. Let's say you're southbound on the interstate, cruising alone in the middle lane, listening to AM radio. Up alongside comes a tractor trailer of logs or concrete pipe, a tie-down strap breaks, and the load dumps on top of your little sheetmetal ride. Crushed under a world of concrete, you're sandwiched like so much meat salad between layers of steel and glass. In that last, fast flutter of your eyelids, you looking down that long tunnel toward the bright God Light and your dead grandma walking up to hug you--do you want to be hearing another radio commercial for a mega, clearance, closeout, blow-out liquidation car-stereo sale?

~ Chuck Palahniuk

Chuck Palahniuk Death Humor Music Truth

i told you he'd freak out, she siad. didn't i?ah, the i told you so, jace said. always a classy move

~ Cassandra Clare

Cassandra Clare Classy Humor

You know how spooky Ashwini is. She called an hour ago to tell me she has a secret stash of handheld grenade launchers she thought I might want to know about. My response was, 'What the fuck?

~ Nalini Singh

Nalini Singh Humor

I have a great mind to believe in Christianity for the mere pleasure of fancying I may be damned.

~ George Gordon Byron

George Gordon Byron Atheism Belief Christianity Humor Religious

It is the iron. Grimalkin picked his way over a puddle, then leaped atop a fallen tree, shaking out his paws.This close to the false king's realm, his influence is stronger that ever. It will be worse once you are actually within its borders.Puck snorted.Doesn't seem like it's affecting you much, Cat.That is because I am smarter than you and prepare for these things.Really? How would you prepare for me tossing you into a lake?

~ Julie Kagawa

Julie Kagawa Grimalkin Humor Puck

How can a person deal with anxiety? You might try what one fellow did. He worried so much that he decided to hire someone to do his worrying for him. He found a man who agreed to be his hired worrier for a salary of $200,000 per year. After the man accepted the job, his first question to his boss was, Where are you going to get $200,000 per year? To which the man responded, That's your worry.

~ Max Lucado

Max Lucado Anxiety Humor Story Worry

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

~ Alfred Hitchcock

Alfred Hitchcock Bladders Humor Movies

I am your sire. I am to guide you through your first days as a vampire. Your first feeding is a rite of passage, a sacrament. It will not be wasted on some hormone-driven frenzy. This is why I wanted you to feed from me.”“I will not drink it in a house, I will not drink it with a mouse. I will not drink it here or there, I will not drink it anywhere,” I wheezed, hoping I was able to communicate adequate sarcasm through the crippling belly cramps.“Did you just quote Green Eggs and Ham?

~ Molly Harper

Molly Harper Humor Hungry Vampire

Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.

~ Christopher Moore

Christopher Moore First Sentence Humor

A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat.

~ Mark Twain

Mark Twain Books Humor

When I grow up, I'd like to be dangerous.

~ Kirsten Miller

Kirsten Miller Awesomeness Humor

My beard grows down to my toes,I never wears no clothes,I wraps my hairAround my bare,And down the road I goes.

~ Shel Silverstein

Shel Silverstein Humor

A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.

~ Mary Karr

Mary Karr Family Humor

Wit is educated insolence.

~ Aristotle

Aristotle Definitions Humor

You don't need a search warrant to go through someone's trash. Seriously. Once it hits the curb it is totally fair game-you an look it up.

~ Ally Carter

Ally Carter Humor

Principled hate is a hell of a lot stronger than Boy, I wish you hadn't mummified me and thrown me into the lake hate.

~ John Green

John Green Awesomeness Humor
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