Humor Quotes

Montana was naked, and so was Billy, of course. He had a tremendous wang, incidentally. You never know who'll get one.

~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

When I was young and had no senseIn far-off MandalayI lost my heart to a Burmese girlAs lovely as the day.Her skin was gold, her hair was jet,her teeth were ivory;I said, For twenty silver pieces,Maiden, sleep with me.She looked at me, so pure, so sad,The loveliest thing alive,And in her lisping, virgin voice,Stood out for twenty-five.

~ George Orwell

Supposedly, guys think about sex every eight seconds. If that's true, how can they talk to their grandmothers?

~ Jody Gehrman

Oh, I`m sure Tristin will do it She said casually as she hung the dress back on the hanger. I stared at her in confusion. Surely he knows how to put a condom. The visual made my insides squirm with panic. I mean the whole thing! All of it! I cried.Oh She looked at me with surprise and then her expression dissolved into understanding. Honey, it will all come naturally.How do I know what natural is though? How do I know what`s right? What if I do it all wrong?She smiled. The thing about men, Alexis, is they generally don`t find any of it wrong. In fact, usually the more wrong it is, the more they like it.

~ Kristie Cook

It wasn’t the first time I’d run across sex spells: theywere just as common as electricity-kindled spells. They justaren’t convenient for your average on-the-go magicalneeds.“Do all the memory spells require that?” I asked.“I don’t think so. I just noticed it on the last couple ofretrieval ones.”“Uh, maybe I could just get myself, you know, privately…?” I suggested. I regretted it immediately, and felt my faceflush with warmth. What the hell was I going to do? Ask Lonif he had any porn I could borrow and hole up in his library’swashroom?

~ Jenn Bennett

Hi honey, I’m home! Take your pants off!” Wesley announced. He kissed my cheek as he passed me and put his lunch container in the sink.

~ J.m. Colail

I have tutored Little Igor to be a man of this world. For example, I exhibited him a smutty magazine three days yore, so that he should be appraised of the many positions in which I am carnal. 'This is sixty-nine,' I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers--two of them--on the action, so that he would not overlook it. 'Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?' he asked, because he is a person hot on fire with curiosity. 'It was invented in 1969. My friend Gregory knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor.' 'What did people do before 1969?' 'Merely blowjobs and masticating box, but never in chorus.

~ Jonathan Safran Foer

Driving a hot car is a lot like sex to me, or a lot like I keep thinking sex should be: A total body experience, overwhelming, to all the senses, taking you places you've never been, packing a punch that leaves you breathless and touches your soul. The Viper was way more satisfying then my last boyfriend.

~ Karen Marie Moning

So you're the guy who did the no-no cha-cha with my baby sister.

~ Lish Mcbride

Sex drives the world and sex in on every human mind, be it a prophet or be it a saint, history has full of evidences.

~ Santosh Kalwar

As much as I think about sex, I can only with extreme difficulty conceive of myself actually performing the act. And here's another thing I wonder about. How could you ever look a girl in the eye after you've had your winkie up her wendell? I mean, doesn't that render normal social conversation impossible? Apparently not.

~ C.d. Payne

I don't see why ogling same-sex kissing should be the exclusive domain of frat boys whacking off to lesbian action, that's so sexist. Feminism should be all inclusive- it should be about sexual liberation, equal pay for equal work, and the fundamental girl right of boy2boy appreciation.

~ Rachel Cohn

Homo sapiens is one of the few species on earth that care if they’re seen having sex. The impala is unconcerned. The dingo roundly flaunts it. A masturbating chimpanzee will stare straight at you. To any creature other than you and I and 6 billion other privacy-needing H. sapiens, sex is like peeling a mango or scratching your ear. It’s just something you do sometimes.

~ Mary Roach

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job. (You're totally welcome, guys. P.S. Girls can't see this sentence!!!!!)

~ Eugene Mirman

We did make use, from time to time, of candles, neckties, scarves, shoelaces, a little water-color paintbrush, her hairbrush, butter, whipped cream, strawberry jam, Johnson’s Baby Oil, my Swedish hand vibrator, a fascinating bead necklace she had, miscellaneous common household items, and every molecule of flesh that was exposed to air or could be located with strenuous search.

~ Spider Robinson

Adrian had always found it amusing that a guy could be drilling Stacia up her ass while she considered herself to be a virgin. Her intent had been to present herself as such when she found Mr. Right.

~ Jess C. Scott

We can’t make love out here. It’s freezing!” Maryanne cried.A boyishly beseeching look lit up his eyes. “We would heat up quickly.”“It’s fine for you,” she protested. “You only need one part of your body, and you’ll be sliding that into warmth.

~ Sharon Page

If hitting an unexpected speed bump with your car equates to the best sex you've had lately, you know your hormones are sending you a signal.

~ Ellen Phillips

I’m not sitting back here with another dude while there are two perfectly doable females in the car.

~ Nicki Elson

I'm fresh out of fucks to give.

~ Tucker Max

Viagra isn't the only drug being prescribed off-label for women with arousal problems. Los Angeles urologist Jennifer Berman told me some doctors are prescribing low doses of Ritalin. Drugs like Ritalin improve a person's focus, so it stands to reason that it would make it easier to stay attuned to subtle changes taking place in one's body. 'It enables a woman to focus o the task at hand,' said Berman, managing, though surely not intending, to make sex sound like homework.

~ Mary Roach

You take a dick and you get it wet and then you put it someplace tight—

~ K.a. Mitchell

I used to think that looking across a pillow into the fabulous face of Buster Keaton would be a more thrilling destiny than any screen career.

~ Anita Loos

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.

~ Eugene Mirman

It was simply a matter of asking him to remove the tie from his head before he made love to her.

~ Nicki Elson

Ares sighed What are the three words said most often in our h

~ Larissa Ione

I can count all the lovers I've had on one hand...if I'm holding a calculator.

~ Sebastian Horsley

Cara waggled a hand over the two of them. It works better with your clothes off.Richard frowned. His voice came as a hoarse croak. What?She seemed mystified by the question. I believe you will find such things work better without clothes. She put her hands to her hips. I thought you would know at least that much.

~ Terry Goodkind

I wondered how a man ever got an English girl into bed. What did they do with her hockey stick?

~ James A. Michener

Chastity always takes its toll. In some it produces pimples; in others, sex laws.

~ Karl Kraus

Consider, if you will, the morning boner. What a metaphor of hope and renewal! How can anyone give way to despair when one’s groin greets each day with such a gala spectacle of physical optimism?

~ C.d. Payne

Since i couldn't remember the real first time i'd lost my virginity, this would have become my de facto first time. I wanted a better story then: I did it with this boy who i wasn't very into and who had mysterious Gaterade breath; in his room decorated with sports equipment; at least he was nice enough to provide condoms and get his ancient, horny dog to leave us along.

~ Gabrielle Zevin

Lowkey punchdrunk off this Sangria-sweet love and all it’s prodigious trappings…

~ Brandi L. Bates

It's hard to imagine talking to Lucy. But I can imagine sleeping with her. I have been imagining it quite regularly. I can't stop imagining it. Maybe it's time for my first Lucy Branch, my first truly physical relationship. And why do I assume it would be a bad thing? Maybe it's better with someone different from you. I could teach her how fluorocarbons affect the ozone. She could teach me about oral sex.We would both become better people.

~ Blake Nelson

Not only can I teach you math, I can teach you math in bed, Jordan. You know, I'll add the bed, you subtract the clothes, you divide the legs, and I'll multiply

~ Miranda Kenneally

People have sex, even the religious ones. Yet, when sex is transferred into words, suddenly it's dirty, vulgar, immoral, trashy. Funny huh?

~ Hector Himeros

The man kisses me and I just hop right on him like he's the hottest new ride at Disneyland.

~ Karen Marie Moning

When you f*** a Vampire, you get a free hat.

~ Daven Anderson

I been talkin' with my buddy, and he thinks I'm virgin enough fer the two of us.

~ William Inge

If it had been great sex I doubt I'd remember he tooted between thrusts.

~ Laura Castoro