Humor Quotes

He dropped the joint in the dirt and ran inside. It wasn't his first, and wouldn't be his last. The joint, that is. Not the kid. He was pretty sure, at this point, that he would never have sexual relations with his wife again.

~ Allie Burke

Cara, in the lead, came to a halt beside them, looking from one to the other. Still with the clothes, Lord Rahl?

~ Terry Goodkind

What are you doing?” he gasped. He looked slightly ridiculous. It was not as if he was a defenseless damsel in distress. He could have stopped me, if he wanted to. But he didn’t want to. Besides, I’ve always considered this to be the most idiotic question in the world. I’m pulling off your pants to have a good look at your dick and your ass, is the obvious answer. Looking being only the first step, by the way.

~ Boris Brannigan

Leila. Schoolgirls are like sports cars. They're nice to look at, but they're impractical. In the end, they don't do what you need them to do.I had to stifle my smile, he looked so serious. Then I stole a glance back at the lithe-limbed shadows beneath the tress. Is that so?It's true. They won't let you take them up the arse. They're rubbish at sucking you. You want to ride them at a hundred miles a hour, but you end up doing forty in the sixty zone because you're too fucking scared of damaging them.

~ Lucy V. Morgan

What was he like afterwards?Totally adorable-he fell asleep right on top of me!What was he like afterwards?I thought he'd died. No, Really! He fell asleep-I had to roll him off of me so i could breathe

~ Pat Brisson

I walked back into the bedroom and, after all that, I actually was surprised. She lay on the bed, her hands nonchalantly behind her head, with the banana between her legs. Only half of it was alfresco. It was if we'd had sex and then, before heading for the bathroom, I'd bookmarked her vagina so as not to lose my place.

~ Frank Skinner

You misquote me. It's NOT Aah. It's AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

~ Jock Camp

The value of a sex manual does not lie in its length or duration, but whether or not the problem it addresses works.

~ Jock Camp

I feel like you’re trying to convince me that we don’t need condoms, but fuck that. If you impregnate me, I’m going to devour “ you like a praying mantis.” I pin Zeph against the wall and kiss her hard, because her threatening to kill or mutilate me is always so hot.

~ Gisele Walko

I'm not sure who faked their orgasm first, but thankfully it was over rather quickly.

~ Donald Jans

Fuck me, Sonny!” She cried. I did. She came immediately. I felt like I was trying to board a moving train wearing roller skates.

~ Sonny Duncan

It won’t be disagreeable,” he said. “It can be made quite enjoyable.”“Oh, it had better be,” she said tartly. “I’ve heard plenty over the years on your amatory prowess. If I’m not on the roof crowing, I will consider myself disappointed.

~ Sherry Thomas

...I thought, God, I promise to stay a virgin, just please don't let anyone probe me.

~ Stephanie Tromly

Nat realised they had a lot of talking to do, but she did question Isabella’s timing. In her experience, matters of the heart should not be discussed when one party had a silicone cock strapped to their waist while the other's mouth went dry at the thought of it entering her.

~ Harper Bliss

They have been having sex for eighteen months now (he realizes he has to make himself stop counting, as if his sexual life is a prison term, and he is working toward its completion).

~ Hanya Yanagihara

Love is poached eggs and the Sunday newspaper and slow, hard sex.

~ Michael Bible

Keep your southern fried bullshit to yourself. And know this, Charlie is the sweetest girl I've ever met and if you hurt her, or infect her with some kind of disease, you will die. Slowly.

~ Eve Dangerfield

James couldn't help it, he smiled. Charlotte was the strangest girl he'd spent time with lately, not because she was weird or even kinky, but because sweetness seemed to pour from her skin like molasses.

~ Eve Dangerfield

I don't know who tried to teach him what to do in the bedroom, but it must have been a furniture salesman.

~ Alice Walker

Thanks to a lifetime of brainwashing by Disney and Lifetime and Hallmark, she naively believes glimpsing God during an epic fuck somehow translates into some kind of happily ever after with her Prince Charming.

~ Lauren Rowe

A blow job. Why did people do these things to each other? Artemis felt faintly sick.

~ Marie Phillips

No. I can’t have sex with you today because there aren’t enough spoons.

~ Jenny Lawson

So, if there are any couples here this evening having a secret extramarital affair, I encourage you to breed.

~ Alison Larkin

Following his wonderful introduction to the joys of womanhood, Waldo found a perverse pleasure in leaving his after-sex cigarette butt glowing on the lawn of the executive mansion. Despite Jeanne's repeated assurances that it wouldn't actually be visible to any nineteenth century passers-by, Waldo preferred to picture his discarded cigarette butt being the center of much scrutiny, with puzzled Civil War-era Washingtonians reacting to it in the same way Brazilian farmers would react to U.F.O.'s a century later.

~ Donald Jeffries

You picked a man who can read tax code and date a celibate for two years. That's some serious patience. I have zero doubt in my ability to wait you out. I have zero doubt that you're meant to be my girl.

~ Joshilyn Jackson

People sin, Lena. People in love sin a lot. God invented sex. He knows how it works

~ Joshilyn Jackson

Nineteen ninety-eight was a banner year for Connie. She was separately invited by two male former college friends to participate in an ménage à trois with them and their wives, despite her overbite and diminutive breasts.

~ Shannon Bradley-Colleary

Dalia picked up her negligee. She didn't need my help, it wasn't very heavy.

~ Philip Kerr

Nixie, every party is an orgy waiting to happen.Nix opened her mouth, then closed it, dragging Neomi and Mari away. Well, you can't argue with reason, can you?

~ Kresley Cole

When I'm with you, I can't keep my hands off of you. When I'm not with you, I can't keep my hands off of myself.

~ Anonymous

A lot of who you were in middle age was determined before you had a chance to manipulate, control, or eve understand the things around you. It was no mystery, he thought, why some old people's minds returned to their youth; the wonder of those years, the discoveries, the first experience with the dirty secret of death, and the first stirrings of lust and love were indelible, drawn in luminous colors on clean canvas. Indeed, the first sex act was so mind-boggling that most people could still remember it clearly twenty, thirty, sixty years later.

~ Nelson Demille

You can't make a woman love you. Not even with duct tape.

~ J. Richard Singleton

You have a travel vibrator, so I assume you call this one your house vibrator. Store one in your dashboard for a car vibrator too? What about your desk at work? And do they each have their own name, or is it like George Foreman’s kids – Vibrizzio one, Vibrizzio two…

~ Nicki Elson

Soap wasn't invented until the Romans, who also invented interesting sex. (Since my editor informs me that a gardening book is not a proper venue for discussions of interesting sex, I will go into this topic in more detail when I write my private memoirs, 'A Petunia Named Desire').

~ Cassandra Danz

Fuck, Christina.”“Yes, fuck Christina. I think she'd like that.

~ Nenia Campbell

It's funny, this - so many words to describe the same thing,” she smiled...“Penis is simply an anatomical appendage, as exciting as a finger or a phalange. A willy is something small and flaccid, and at least slightly humorous. Prick is the organ as viewed with distaste, perhaps with so much as to describe the entire body it’s attached to, like a dick, but more so. Phallus is a symbol of fertility, but my favourite...is the cock, which is only ever the hard, real thing, unleashed and ready to dive head-first into any waiting orifice. Or hole, while I’m in thesaurus mode.

~ Morgana Blackrose

You're never too old to laugh at stories about love and sex.

~ Albert Zimbler

What exactly does that expression even mean? An ass that won’t quit? Think about the primary function of an ass—I’d think that’s the sort of thing you might want to quit.

~ Nicki Elson

One day she was going to be found dead mid-hump on a polyurethane phallus

~ Nicki Elson

Vibrizzio? You named it! Okay, this isn’t even close to healthy.

~ Nicki Elson