Humor Quotes

Does getting nailed by a werewolf count as bestiality?

~ Nicki Elson

That’s all women need men for? Sperm, a paycheck, and free flights?

~ Nicki Elson

My imagination plus Vibrizzio is not only equal to but also greater than a real man. Why should I settle for second best?

~ Nicki Elson

Really the only time men and women get along is when women want sex.

~ Brian South

After the gratifications of brutish appetites are past, the greatest pleasure then is to get rid of that which entertained it.

~ Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra

You poor dear! Imagine having to wear Mark’s trousers! He’s a lovely lad, but I wouldn’t wish that fate on anyone. God only knows who’s been in them!

~ Jessica Cale

Congress should make it so that all sex scenes in all films should be provided with a screaming baby sound track. That should help take away all the fun and may show a major decrease in unwanted pregnancies without having to provide birth control to anyone.

~ Heather Chapple

We open five minutes ago,” she scolded as he rushed in.“I know, I know.” He pulled his blue vest out from under the counter and put it on, praying that she wouldn’t notice the glitter shower that ensued. “I’m sorry.”“Five minutes ago. And where is my cashier? Watching goats mate on the computer?

~ Gina Damico

Maybe I'm some sort of perverted cartoon-sexual.

~ Rainbow Rowell

Hey, I’ll have you know that with recent 3D imaging, Ichthyosaurus communis is more alive than ever!”“Talk like the Discovery Channel all you want, but a book of fossils and a tub of plaster does not an orgy make.

~ Gina Damico

All your life you look to America for those home-grown, corn-fed tits that the Yank bitches all sprout when they’re about fourteen – those bulging DDs that you wank about as a kid as you look longingly across the Atlantic, simultaneously repulsed and electrified – and then the greatest tits you’ve ever seen walk straight out of Giffnock (Glasgow, but you knew that, right?) and bounce their sweet way down to you via the Caledonian-sleeper train. I know they say America is finished, but Christ, when the Jock lassies are packing the premium chest meat, you know they aren’t kidding.

~ Matthew Selwyn

He found my g-spot,alright, he found it, then made it sing Zippity-Doo-Dah.

~ Oleander Plume

The best laid plans may not get you laid the way you planned.

~ Susan Block

Not that it isn't great to see you. But it's not so great for you. What'd you do wrong? Laugh at his dick?

~ Margaret Atwood

Sally laughed. When you first told me you were interested in Decebel, I honestly thought that there was no way you two would ever work. But man, you are both such freaks, I honestly don't think anyone else could put up with either of you.Or keep up with us. Jen winked.

~ Quinn Loftis

My father was a man, and I know the sex pretty well.

~ Elizabeth Gaskell

I don’t care how old you are, or what background you come from, there are two universal truths. We will always laugh at…gas if it happens at the wrong time, and we are always curious about what goes on in other people’s bedrooms.

~ Alice Clayton

My sub doesn't pay for me,” he says, pulling me to my feet. “That just doesn't happen.”“But we ordered so much,” I say helpl

~ Nenia Campbell

It doesn’t matter what you’ve got in your pants if there is nothing in your brain to connect it to.

~ Paul Joannides

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope.

~ Nenia Campbell

Butt holes are like a one-way street, they were made the way they were for a reason.

~ Nenia Campbell

I had a dream about you last night. I was writing a ‘Sex for dummies-Christians That Secretly What to be Porn Stars- 1st edition.’ And you helped me with the illustrations.

~ Crystal Woods

No such private nights of ecstasy or hushed-up drinking and sex orgies ever occurred. They might have occurred if either General Dreedle or General Peckem had once evinced an interest in taking part in orgies with him, but neither ever did, and the colonel was certainly not going to waste his time and energy making love to beautiful women unless there was something in it for him.

~ Joseph Heller

My boyfriend likes to fuck my brains out on our kitchen island. Which tile would you recommend for that?

~ Alice Clayton

Call bitch a bitch , no fucking reasons

~ Prabuj

What exactly does that expression mean, 'friends with benefits'? Does he provide her with health insurance?

~ Chuck Lorre

Well, I'd have more zing with George Clooney and Harrison Ford in a threesome, but neither of us are going to get that wish.

~ Nora Roberts

I don't like doing anything that makes you sweat if you don't come at the end of it.

~ Russell Brand

When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia.

~ Jimmy Carr

That was not sex. That was naked poetry.

~ Hank Moody

A man grows weary of having no lovers but his fingers.

~ George R.r. Martin

Sleep. It’s like sex. You know it’s good, but you don’t know just how good until you’re not getting any.

~ R.j. Keller

Is my coitus whimsically inventive?

~ Chuck Lorre

A man's love for a woman is not defined by his availability in bed, but by every ingredient he adds to improve the taste of the relationship.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

If the love is not madness, then the sex is not insane

~ Josh Stern

Tied up a lot of women, have you? He raised one eyebrow, whatever that meant. A bit odd, are you? She was being sarcastic, trying to taunt him into a sense of guilt. While perhaps bursting any bubble in herself of misguided, soft-hearted concern for a man with sad eyes and complicated wealth. Though his sexual inclinations were perhaps not the wisest of barbs to do either. He looked down at her, speculative.Difficult to say. He actually answered the question seriously. Legally? Decidedly. But then British laws on the subject are so guilt-ridden I'm surprised we've propagated as a race. He mad a small, grim smile. How delightful we're having this conversation. And what is it you like?

~ Judith Ivory

It was true. After our divorce, I'd ended up in a slight relationship with my last research assistant, Aurelia Feinstein, age 34-though let me state for the record it was not as hot as it sounded. Making love to Aurelia was like rummaging through a card catalog in a deserted library, searching for one very obscure little red entry on Hungarian poetry. It was dead silent, no one gave me any dierection, and nothing was where it was supposed to be.

~ Marisha Pessl

I'm feeling full of tiny princes, bustling to get out into the world and start plotting against one another.

~ Christopher Moore

They can’t help it, you know. It happens in the egg,” she reasoned. “As soon as they grow that genitalia, intelligence goes right out the window and we’re left with this thing that just wants to stick it in any hole.

~ G.a. Aiken

Lying flat against the tile of the kitchen floor listening to someone else have sex is essentially my early twenties in a nutshell.

~ David Rakoff