Humor Quotes

When in doubt, go the scandalous route.

~ Kilian Grey

Writing is like making love, editing is like giving your great grandfather a sponge bath.

~ Midnight Taylor

On some days, writing is wonderful. On the days when it is wonderful, it feels like you are the God of a universe that the rest of the world is not yet privy to. And then on some days, it is not wonderful; those days when nothing is coming and the cursor seems to be openly mocking you, blinking out ‘YOU SUCK AT WRITING AND YOU’RE UGLY AS BALLS’ in Morse code.

~ Leigh Whannell

I had a dream that I was in someone else’s shoes for once…they were the wrong size.

~ Starley Ard

The remnants of my dress hung like tentacles and from my back arched a pari of towering wings, feather-light but suggesting enourmous power. My hair streamed behind me, and I knew that the ring of light around my head would be brighter than ever.“Holy crap!” Xavier blurted

~ Alexandra Adornetto

First rule of Angel Club, you do not talk about Angel Club.

~ Cynthia Hand

On a wing and a prayer. (After being asked how the angels make love in Milton's Paradise Lost).

~ Benjamin R. Smith

The satisfying sound of bone giving way, as well as his outraged cry, made the you-had-it-coming-asshole angles sing.

~ J.a. Saare

She hadn’t planned any of this, but her thoughts ran away with her, and she hated how pathetic she must sound. Poor little human needed the big bad angel to rescue her. Yuck.

~ India Drummond

He’s a fallen angel,” Dale said. “The goth punk rocker thing… I don’t know. He picked the costume.”“The costume?” Daphne said.“Body,” Uriah explained. “And I didn’t fall. I left. Tendered my resignation, as it were.

~ J.l. Aarne

Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season

~ Josh Stern

How do you possibly manage to turn talk of an angel into something perverted?

~ Nicki Elson

The Angel Gabriel disappeared once for sixty years and they found him on earth hiding in the body of a man named Miles Davis.

~ Christopher Moore

If you decide to war with us, you will fail and suffer an eternity of misery,” he informed, his tone steady and cold. “Is that explicit enough?”“Oh, don’t be so dramatic,” I said cheerfully, getting in touch with my inner smartass.

~ Laura Kreitzer

If this is where you ask me to run around in my birthday suit, I’m not entirely comfortable with that,” I said, smirking.

~ Laura Kreitzer

A day ago, the sight of a man removing his face would have blown thick chunks of Aiden’s mind out the back of his head, but not today. Today Aiden was fresh out of shock and running low on wonder.

~ Matt K. Turner

Wonders happen either way. With you or without you.

~ Sergey Vedenyo

The book did not say anything about a statue, valuable or otherwise, and so I stopped reading about the Bombinating Beast and got interested in the chapter about the Stain'd witches, who had ink instead of blood in their veins. I wondered what they kept in their pens.

~ Lemony Snicket

While death is sadly inevitable, our grief will soon pass like a swallowed penny through one’s bowels.Painful change just takes time.

~ Jessica Watts

Die in a good way, obviously.

~ Mindy Kaling

I had a very funny and depressing talk with my seventy-four-year-old mother. I decided, she doesn't have a bucket list - she has a kick-the-bucket list.

~ Lori Lesko

Death can come slow. Death can come quick. If you've got one last breath, you better make the most of it.

~ A.h. Scott

Hunter was bipolar, for crying out loud. He had checked into the nut house on more than one occasion and, honestly, I was already starting to feel the anxiety of living together. I would need to get my martial arts skills up to par to deal with this lunatic. I knew that I would also need to pick up a copy of Kill Bill at my next convenience and take notes as I watched, just in case a fight happened to break out in the kitchen. Also, at night, I had decided that I would need to sleep with either a small pistol or a flamboyant hunting knife under my pillow for a quick grab, in case he skipped his meds one night and decided to kill me. I needed to be prepared for the unthinkable.

~ Chase Brooks

I was about to run, possibly fight, definitely scream...

~ Jessica Fortunato

I once told him that the best way to break up a fight is to step between the two people and start singing ancient folk songs. But I’d never heard of anyone actually doing such a thing.

~ David Levithan

At the age of eight, John Quincy Adams was made the man of his house while his father, John Adams, was off doing important John Adams things for America. This would be a lot of terrifying responsibility at any time in American history, but it just so happens that, when Adams was eight years old, the *Revolutionary freaking War* was happening right outside his house. He watched the Battle of Bunker Hill from his front porch, according to his diary, worried that he might be 'butchered in cold blood, or taken and carried ... as hostages by any foraging or marauding detachment of British soldiers.' I don't have the diary I kept at age eight, but I think the only things I worried about was whether or not they'd have for dogs in the school the next day and if I had the wherewithal and clarity of purpose to collect all of the Pokemon. John Q, on the other hand, guarded his house, mother, and siblings during wartime.This isn't to imply that eight-year-old John Quincy Adams could have beaten eight-year-old you in a fight, but to imply that eight-year-old John Quincy Adams could beat you *as an adult*.

~ Daniel O'brien

It's always funny that you can try and try again to steal all your critics' ammo, predict their responses, but no matter what, they'll still have a water gun stashed somewhere.

~ Criss Jami

Everyone wants a Christmas tree. If you had a Christmas tree Santa would bring you stuff! Like hair curlers and slut shoes.

~ Janet Evanovich

Thanksgiving was nothing more than a pilgrim-created obstacle in the way of Christmas, a dead bird in the street that forced a brief detour.

~ Augusten Burroughs

Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning.

~ Alan Bradley

Without the door let sorrow lie,And if for cold it hap to die,We'll bury 't in a Christmas pie,And evermore be merry.

~ George Wither

In the days approaching Christmas, she always reminds me of the previous year: 'Jane crocheted you an entire poncho, and all you gave her was a bone-shaped beach stone.

~ Sara Baume

Sierra, it's Christmastime. Put a stupid mistletoe over his head and kiss him already!

~ Jay Asher

Sillman looked at his interrogator with hopeless eyes. 'I think while I was passed out, I dreamed about my mom's gingerbread cookies. Maybe the guy who knocked on the glass was eatin' one.' 'Mm,' said Peace-not-War. 'Well. That's helpful. We'll put an APB out on the Gingerbread Man. I'm not hopeful it'll do us much good, though. Word on the street is you can't catch him.

~ Joe Hill

Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

~ Dave Barry

You're thinking that if the North Pole has little elves and shape-shifting reindeer that maybe werewolves aren't quite so farfetched. Am I right? Well, you're wrong. There's no such thing as werewolves. That would just be crazy.

~ Candi Kay

Let's not have forced gaiety this Christmas, said Nora, like it was a dish. We'll have a tiny bit of it, I said.

~ Miriam Toews

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a a note on it saying, toys not included.

~ Bernard Manning

Paying twenty-five dollars for me was your mistake, ma’am. I’m not worth more than fifteen.

~ Margaret Brownley

Tizzy squawked, and he bounced like a ball on the floor. “I completely forgot; Santa said something more.He said that a book gives your very thoughts wings,That carry you off to see wonderful things,That lift you aloft, throughout time, throughout spaceTo every era and every place!

~ Dorothea Jensen