Humor Quotes

I thought about writing the character as male, but then I would be forced to portray him as a woman in a man's body.

~ Christopher Stocking

I’m 100% certain of the quality of story I’m writing until I finish the outline and actually begin to write. At this point, I’m 100% certain the story sucks and I will never show it to another living soul. Until I type “THE END.” At this point, I’m 50% certain it sucks, 50% certain it’s brilliant, and 100% certain if I don’t show it to someone I will spontaneously combust.

~ Renee Miller

I often think publishing a book is like doing a poo. Once it's ready for the world, you have to relinquish that control and let nature take its course. A few will be impressed by your creation, others will be disgusted. Plus, no one will enjoy your success and achievement in producing it as much as you did.

~ H.o. Charles

Fact is just fiction with different storytellers

~ Abby Slovin

A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.

~ Robert Benchley

Writer's Block is just an excuse by people who don't write for not writing.

~ Giando Sigurani

I've learned to let my characters speak and act the way they want to! I've tried to interfere but they just get angry at me and throw big rocks.

~ Shandy L. Kurth

At a certain age almost all the questions a person asks him or herself are really just about one thing: how should you live your life?

~ Fredrik Backman

Chapter One of My Life. I walk down the street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It still takes forever to find a way out.Chapter Two. I walk down the same street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I'm in the same place! But it isn't my fault. And it still takes a long time to get out.Chapter Three. I walk down the same street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in. It's a habit! My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.Chapter Four. I walk down the same street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.Chapter Five. I walk down a different street.

~ Portia Nelson

You have come to earth to entertain and to be entertained.

~ Paramahansa Yogananda

I was kind of excited to go to jail for the first time and I learnt some great dialogue.

~ Quentin Tarantino

That’s what being alive is, Thing! It’s being badly prepared for everything! Because you only get one chance, Thing!

~ Terry Pratchett

but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.

~ David Sedaris

Your husband may not be a wealth of pregnancy information, but he is a wealth of 'you' information. He probably knows you better than anyone else in this world (which means he understands your current neediness pretty well). He also probably loves you more than anyone else in this world. So, while he may not be the person to turn to if you need to know how to soothe breast tenderness, he's the perfect person to turn to when you need a hand to hold.

~ Erin Macpherson

... human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello.

~ Justin Halpern

If pain is a pot of boiling water, humor can be the rising steam.

~ Cameron Conaway

Scientists used to do an experiment whereby a dog’s repeated reward for performing a task was unaccountably replaced by punishment. The dog, knowing it would be penalized for doing well or doing badly, would become melancholic and inactive. This and other unforeseeable results were funded by taxing up to sixty percent of people’s earnings. People became strangely melancholic and inactive

~ Steve Aylett

Jeremy and Karl and Elizabeth have known each other since the first day of kindergarten. Amy and Talis are a year younger...Now the five are inseparable; invincible. They imagine that life will always be like this--like a television show in eternal syndication--that they will always have each other. They use the same vocabulary. They borrow each other's books and music. They share lunches, and they never say anything when Jeremy comes over and takes a shower. They all know Jeremy's father is eccentric. He's supposed to be eccentric. He's a novelist.

~ Kelly Link

It may be escapist, but if I have a choice between watching the news or reading a book which gets me to see the world through different eyes, I will always choose the latter!

~ Christina Westover

Just about a month from now I'm set adrift, with a diploma for a sail and lots of nerve for oars.

~ Richard Halliburton

Но Остап приходил каждый вечер, хотя радостных вестей не приносил. Энергия и веселость его были неисчерпаемы. Надежда ни на одну минуту не покидала его.

~ Ильф И Петров

Writing in a new style never hurt anybody. Upside: if it does, you can write about it!

~ Jennifer Worrell

If I can give one bit of advice to any drama major, high school theater kid, or inmate who is reading this in a prison library with dreams of being cast in he prison play, its this: write your own part. It is the only way I've gotten anywhere. It is much harder work, but sometimes you ave to take destiny into your own hands.

~ Mindy Kaling

I once took a city with five men and a lame goat. If I can do that, you can convince the necromancers to pledge themselves to you. Do this or die.

~ Ilona Andrews

Violence can read like poetry. You just have to describe the act as if you’re in love with the way your characters bleed.

~ F.k. Preston

If my life was pulled into the pages of a book, there would be coffee stains and wrinkles along the lines of that narrative. Because all I can wish is that the book of my life would be well read and well loved. Living within words and the sound of writing.

~ F.k. Preston

Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think.

~ Terry Pratchett

The merest accident of microgeography had meant that the first man to hear the voice of Om, and who gave Om his view of humans, was a shepherd and not a goatherd. They have quite different ways of looking at the world, and the whole of history might have been different. For sheep are stupid, and have to be driven. But goats are intelligent, and need to be led.

~ Terry Pratchett

The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it's not murder if you do it for a god).

~ Terry Pratchett

I wasn't saying whatever they're saying I was saying. I'm sorry I said it really. I never meant it to be a lousy anti-religious thing. I apologize if that will make you happy. I still don't know quite what I've done. I've tried to tell you what I did do but if you want me to apologize, if that will make you happy, then OK, I'm sorry.

~ John Lennon

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.

~ Bill Maher

I have church on Sunday.”“Of course you do.”“You’re welcome to come along.”“Thanks, but I’m allergic to incense.”“That’s a shame.”“It’s the bane of my existence.”- Beth and Jake

~ Alexandra Adornetto

People go to church for the same reasons they go to a tavern: to stupefy themselves, to forget their misery, to imagine themselves, for a few minutes anyway, free and happy.-- Circular Letter to My Friends in Italy

~ Mikhail Bakunin

A totally nondenominational prayer: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that I be forgiven for anything I may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.  Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible benefit for which I may be eligible after the destruction of my body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen.

~ Roger Zelazny

Senses of humor define people, as factions, deeper rooted than religious or political opinions. When carrying out everyday tasks, opinions are rather easy to set aside, but those whom a person shares a sense of humor with are his closest friends. They are always there to make the biggest influence.

~ Criss Jami

There are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath that cannot easily be duplicated by a normal kindly family man who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do.

~ Terry Pratchett

The trouble with being a god is that you've got no one to pray to.

~ Terry Pratchett

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

~ George Carlin

Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.

~ Bill Maher

I always like a dog so long as he isn't spelled backward.

~ G.k. Chesterton