Humour Quotes

The man had a smooth voice, like velvet. “I’m Detective Inspector Me. Unusual name, I know. My family were incredibly narcissistic. I’m lucky I escaped with any degree of humility at all, to be honest, but then I’ve always managed to exceed expectations. You are Kenny Dunne, are you not?”“I am.”“Just a few questions for you, Mr Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we’ve become friends these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?”“Sure,” Kenny said, slightly baffled.“Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s important you feel comfortable around me, Kenny. It’s important we build up a level of trust. That way I’ll catch you completely unprepared when I suddenly accuse you of murder.

~ Derek Landy

But the plans were on display…”“On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them.”“That’s the display department.”“With a flashlight.”“Ah, well, the lights had probably gone.”“So had the stairs.”“But look, you found the notice, didn’t you?”“Yes,” said Arthur, “yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying ‘Beware of the Leopard.

~ Douglas Adams

I personally believe we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

~ Jane Wagner

Revenge may be wicked, but it’s natural.

~ William Makepeace Thackeray

Holy freak show!

~ Becca Fitzpatrick

Please, amigo. We need you, Kimosabe, O Mighty Powerful One. We need you more than the earth rises in the west.The sun rises in the east, dickhead.Only if you're standing on the earth. If you're on the moon, the earth rises in the west.

~ Simone Elkeles

The eidolons started pounding on the door. 'Who is it?' Leo called. 'Valdez!''Valdez who?

~ Rick Riordan

Most men are not wicked... They are sleep-walkers, not evil evildoers.

~ Franz Kafka

Life in a box is better than no life at all, I expect. You'd have a chance at least. You could lie there thinking: Well, at least I'm not dead.

~ Tom Stoppard

I said breathe. Not do a fish-out of-water imitation.

~ Karen Marie Moning

Every day's a negotiation and sometimes it's done with guns.

~ Joss Whedon

I want a Zero Tolerance policy on All The Patriarchal Bullshit.

~ Caitlin Moran

I am never taking a trip with either of you ever again.' Eve said. 'Ever.'Excellent' Shane said. 'Then next trip, we hit the strip bar.'I have a gun, Shane,' Eve sighed.What, you think i actually loaded yours?'Eve flipped him off, and Claire laughed.

~ Rachel Caine

Cordelia: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.Oz: We attack the Mayor with hummus.Cordelia: I stand corrected.Oz: Just keeping things in perspective.

~ Mutant Enemy/ Joss Whedon

Consider me your candy stripper... I mean striper.

~ Simone Elkeles

And then, as if written by the hand of a bad novelist, an incredible thing happened.

~ Jonathan Stroud

Oh shit did you just dis the feminine genderI'll pummel your ass then stick you in a blenderYou think I like Tori and Ani so I can't rhymeBut I got flow like Ghostbusters got slimeObjectify women and it's fuckin' onYou'll be dead and gone like ancient Babylon.

~ John Green

When did you get so smart?He tapped his forehead. Brain transplant. They put in a whale's. I'm passing all my classes with my eyes closed now, but I just can't get over this craving for krill. He shrugged. And I feel sorry for the whale that got my brain. Probably swimming around Florida now trying to catch glimpses of girls in bikinis.

~ Maggie Stiefvater

For Children: You will need to know the difference between Friday and a fried egg. It's quite a simple difference, but an important one. Friday comes at the end of the week, whereas a fried egg comes out of a chicken. Like most things, of course, it isn't quite that simple. The fried egg isn't properly a fried egg until it's been put in a frying pan and fried. This is something you wouldn't do to a Friday, of course, though you might do it on a Friday. You can also fry eggs on a Thursday, if you like, or on a cooker. It's all rather complicated, but it makes a kind of sense if you think about it for a while.

~ Douglas Adams

Finally, the intercom crackles and Hatmitch's acerbic laugh fills the studio. He contains himself just long enough to say, 'And that, my friends, is how a revolution dies.

~ Suzanne Collins

Why do only the awful things become fads? I thought. Eye-rolling and Barbie and bread pudding. Why never chocolate cheesecake or thinking for yourself?

~ Connie Willis

The only thing worse than having a party that no one attends is having a party attended only by two vastly, deeply uninteresting people.

~ John Green

Snyder: There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense.Giles: Well, actually, that would be one of the five.

~ Mutant Enemy

It's supposed to be automatic, but actually you have to push this button.

~ John Brunner

The whole world's writing novels, but nobody's reading them.

~ Robert Galbraith

Is he all scarred now?”“Magic gets rid of most physical scars, but I like to think I scarred him emotionally.

~ Derek Landy

Simon: You're in a dangerous line of work, Jayne. Odds are you'll be under my knife again, often. So I want you to understand one thing very clearly: No matter what you do or say or plot, no matter how you come down on us, I will never, ever harm you. You're on this table, you're safe... 'cause I'm your medic. And however little we may like or trust each other, we're on the same crew. Got the same troubles, same enemies, and more than enough of both. Now, we could circle each other and growl, sleep with one eye open, but that thought wearies me. I don't care what you've done, I don't know what you're planning on doing, but I'm trusting you. I think you should do the same. 'Cause I don't see this working any other way. River: Also, I can kill you with my brain.

~ Ben Edlund

If I were you, I'd sue my face for slander.

~ Terry Pratchett

Life,” said Marvin dolefully, “loathe it or ignore it, you can’t like it.

~ Douglas Adams

Here's a basic difference between Morelli and me. My first thought was always of cake. His first thought was always of sex. Don't get me wrong. I like sex . . . a lot. But it's never going to replace cake.

~ Janet Evanovich

I got swirling eyes and the capacity to shatter windows with my bare voice. Tod got teleportation and invisibility. The supernatural world is so far from fair.

~ Rachel Vincent

I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.

~ Ellen Degeneres

That girl will rain destruction down on you and your ship. She is an albatross, Captain. Way I remember it, albatross was a ship's good luck, 'til some idiot killed it. (to Inara) Yes, I've read a poem. Try not to faint.

~ Joss Whedon

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

~ Dylan Moran

Is this what you do with your spare time?” he asked me, ignoring his sister.“What—are you deciding to talk to me now?” Smiling tightly, I grabbed a handful of mulch and dumped it. Rinse and repeat. “Yeah, it’s kind of a hobby. What’s yours? Kicking puppies?

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Accentuaute the positives - medicate the negatives.

~ Amy Sedaris

Why are you so weird?Because my weird has to be able to cancel out your weird, Lady Cross-stitch.At least what I do is considered an art form.Yes, in ye olde medieal Europse you would've been quite the catch-

~ Alexandra Bracken

Stairway to Hell or Yellow Brick Road? Why don't you give your Magic 8 Ball a shake and see if it's ready to play again.

~ Kami Garcia

The problem is, God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.

~ Robin Mclaurin Williams

He crouched at the car window and looked in. 'What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one.' His finger jabbed the glass. 'That one's a bit ugly.

~ Derek Landy