Humour Quotes

Hypocrite: The man who murdered his parents, and then pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan.

~ Abraham Lincoln

The thing about changing the world... Once you do it, the world's all different.

~ Joss Whedon

Oh, China. How I have missed you.''And I have missed you, Eliza. But don't worry, next time my aim will be better.

~ Derek Landy

I'm sorry,' said the shopkeeper. 'I can't understand your ridiculous accent.''My accent?''It is quite silly.''So you can't understand me?''Not a word.''Then how did you understand that?''I didn't.' ''You didn't understand what I just said?''That's right.''You understood that, though.''Not at all.'The American glowered.

~ Derek Landy

For a terrifying moment I thought he was going to hug me, but fortunately we both remembered we were English just in time. Still, it was a close call.

~ Ben Aaronovitch

Next time I want to do something nice, slap me.

~ Simone Elkeles

There was a family joke that Lucy's first words were, Nicholas is bugging me!

~ Alyxandra Harvey

A smell of burned hair and cotton wafted into the air as I spun toward my desk. There was a low whine from the desk and then smoke billowed out of my closed laptop.I gaped.My precious, perfectly brand new laptop I cherished like one would a small child.Son of a mother…Friend or not, it was so on

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

They're saying that you and Sean Kendrick were burning up the cliffs. Tommy spins me again and grins at me. And when I say you and Sean Kendrick, I mean you and Sean Kendrick. And by burning, I mean burning.

~ Maggie Stiefvater

Shiny, let's be bad guys!

~ Joss Whedon

So, great. This is Camp…what do you call it? Camp Fish-Blood?”Aphros frowned. “I hope that was a joke. This is Camp __________.” He made a sound that was a series of sonar pings and hisses.

~ Rick Riordan

InsomniaI cannot get to sleep tonight.I toss and turn and flop.I try to count some fluffy sheepwhile o'er a fence they hop.I try to think of pleasant dreamsof places really cool.I don't know why I cannot sleep -I slept just fine at school.

~ Kathy Kenney-Marshall

I’m not certain you’d know the right sort of man for you if he arrived on our doorstep riding an elephant.”“I would think the elephant would be a fairly good indication that I ought to look elsewhere.

~ Julia Quinn

It would be fun,” Skulduggery nodded. ”I like kicking Wreath in the face. I haven't had a chance to do it nearly as much as I'd like.

~ Derek Landy

Now you're just being silly. He's a mercenary- he's not going to go about penning love letters, and really, what would he write? 'Anna...love you...grrr?' Olivia to Annalia

~ Kresley Cole

Ah! Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans! I was unfortunate enough in my youth to come across a vomit-flavored one, and since then I’m afraid I’ve rather lost my liking for them — but I think I’ll be safe with a nice toffee, don’t you?”He smiled and popped the golden-brown bean into his mouth.“Alas! Ear wax!

~ J.k. Rowling

You accused me of murder. Do you make a habit of bringing schoolgirls into an interview room with murder suspects?' He waved his hand. 'Oh, I was only joking about that. I don't really think you murdered someone. Unless you did, in which case I reserve the right to say I knew it all along.

~ Derek Landy

I often wonder why the whole world is so prone to generalise. Generalisations are seldom if ever true and are usually utterly inaccurate.

~ Agatha Christie

All worthy work is open to interpretations the author did not intend. Art isn't your pet -- it's your kid. It grows up and talks back to you.

~ Joss Whedon

Mother, who has an absolute belief that it is not the cards that one is dealt in life, it is how one plays them, is, by far, the highest card I was dealt.

~ Kay Redfield Jamison

My aunt and overprivileged cousin only recognize two states of being: glitter and grunge. And if you weren’t glitter, well, that only left one other option.

~ Rachel Vincent

He's like Super Librarian, y'know? Everyone forgets, Willow, that knowledge is the ultimate weapon.

~ Joss Whedon

The word “future” and females is a dangerous combination.

~ Chetan Bhagat

So here were the facts: I felt possessive of her. Not in a romantic sort of way, but in a hit her over the head, drag her off by the hair, and fuck her way. Like she was my toy and I was keeping the other boys in the sandbox from playing with her. How sick was that? If she ever heard me admit to that, she would cut off my balls and feed them to me.

~ Christina Lauren

I didn't set fire to the building.No, but you did pull it into the river.That put the fire out!

~ Anthony Horowitz

You sure you don't want me to bring you back something? Her eyes moved in the direction of his office. A hit man? Some holy water?

~ Christina Lauren

This was the tricky bit. The really tricky bit, trickiness cubed.

~ Hugh Laurie

Edward lives as if there is no tomorrow, Richard as if he wants no tomorrow, and George as though someone should give it to him for free.

~ Philippa Gregory

I'm Cinderella. No, I'm better than Cinderella, because she only got the prince, didn't she? I'm Cinderella with fab teeth and a shit-hot job.

~ Sophie Kinsella

If you tell me I'm sensible in addition to normal and wise, I'm going to punch you in the stomach.

~ J.d. Robb

If I'm out of my mind, it's all right with me, thought Moses Herzog.

~ Saul Bellow

And what lesson can we draw from Volantene history?”“If you want to conquer the world, you best have dragons.

~ George R.r. Martin

More of your conversation would infect my brain.

~ William Shakespeare

Now-what’s our game plan?” Coach Hedge belched. He’d already had three espressos and a plate of doughnuts, along with two napkins and another flower from the vase on the table. He would’ve eaten the silverware, except Piper had slapped his hand. “Climb the mountain,” Hedge said. “Kill everything except Piper’s dad. Leave.” “Thank you General Eisenhower,” Jason grumbles.

~ Rick Riordan

Oh, I love hugging. I wish I was an octopus, so I could hug 10 people at a time!

~ Drew Barrymore

Kaede: I know this, ungrateful dog. In order to find the sacred jewel shards, Kagome's spirtual power is essential. Yet ye made her upset with your words an sent her running homeInuYasha: That was her idea! she chose to go home! She said: I'm going home! You jerk!Kaede: InuYasha, that imitation was pathetic.InuYasha: I'm a demon, not a comedian!

~ Rumiko Takahashi

I also felt that Ron and Hermione would have gotten divorced. I'm sorry, I just do. The end of Harry Potter did feel ultimately to me...just the fact everybody had married everybody. The books were so real and so grounded in what things are really like when you're that age, she nailed that so beautifully. And then there was this slightly fantastical ending. I know that was there for her to say, 'Really, I mean it, no more books,' but you do sort of go, people who were in a war are different from people who haven't been, and how does it affect them? But am I going to second-guess my favorite writer? I think not.

~ Joss Whedon

And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before--and thus was the Empire forged.

~ Douglas Adams

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

~ Oscar Levant

Is that it?”“No. That’s a wall.”“It could be disguised.”“You’re not very good at looking for things, are you?”“I’m good at looking for walls. Look, I found another one.

~ Derek Landy