Humour Quotes

This may be my only chance to see humans before these two are made into fertilizer for Moonwind's rosebushes.

~ Tamora Pierce

Have you slept yet?''Sure. I took a power nap on the way over.''Didn't you drive there?''Yeah. Other drviers kept waking me up. Car horns should be illegal.'- Charley & Cookie

~ Darynda Jones

(Kaylee) Tell me I'm pretty, Wash.(Wash) Were I unwed I would take you in a manly fashion.(kaylee) Because I'm pretty?(Wash) Because you're pretty.

~ Brett Matthews

The Brigands charged in with their weapons drawn.Who are you? Young Bertie asked.We're the bad guys! their leader announced.What are you going to do?Plunder and pillage! one of them yelled.The others immediately shoved him. Not in front of the kid, Ralph! Fer cryin' out loud...Oh, yeah. Sorry! We're here to take your candy!

~ Lisa Mantchev

I blame Doctor Who. Mr Spock. The Scooby Gang: both the ones in the Mystery Machine and the ones with the stakes. I've spent my life with stories of people who don't walk away, who go back for their friends, who make that last stand. I've been brainwashed by Samwise Gamgee.

~ Andrea K. Höst

We can do this the easy way,' Oblivious snarled. 'Or the hard way.''What's the easy way?''You leave immediately.''And what's the hard way?''We make you leave.'Skulduggery's head tilted. 'What was the easy way again?

~ Derek Landy

He awoke at six, as usual. He needed no alarm clock. He was already comprehensively alarmed.

~ Martin Amis

This is the most I have ever been in the sewers in one place. If someone had said to me a month ago, 'Hey, Jackal, guess where you'll be spending most of your time in New Covington? Ankle-deep in shit!' I would've ripped their lips off.

~ Julie Kagawa

Have you killed anyone?” she asked quickly.“What? Did you miss what I said, about turning murder intoan art form?”“But you haven’t actually killed anyone yet, have you? I readyour file.”He glowered. “Technically, yeah, all right, maybe I haven’t

~ Derek Landy

Could you please put this--could you all put these--could you get dressed, please?The woman only bestowed a serene smile on me. We are as the Goddess requires.The Goddess requires you to be naked on my lawn?

~ Kelley Armstrong

Ankh-Morpork had dallied with many forms of government and had ended up with that form of democracy known as One Man, One Vote. The Patrician was the Man; he had the Vote.

~ Terry Pratchett

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

~ Neil Armstrong

But who wants to be foretold the weather? It is bad enough when it comes, without our having the misery of knowing about it beforehand.

~ Jerome K. Jerome

I took a deep breath. I'm sorry I lied, I like your Star Wars sheets, you're not that bad of a driver, and I swear on my Very Cherry lip gloss that I will never lie to you again.

~ Gemma Halliday

In Britain, a cup of tea is the answer to every problem.Fallen off your bicycle? Nice cup of tea.Your house has been destroyed by a meteorite? Nice cup of tea and a biscuit.Your entire family has been eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex that has travelled through a space/time portal? Nice cup of tea and a piece of cake. Possibly a savoury option would be welcome here too, for example a Scotch egg or a sausage roll.

~ David Walliams

Aragorn: Gentlemen! We do not stop 'til nightfall.Pippin: But what about breakfast?Aragorn: You've already had it.Pippin: We've had one, yes. But what about second breakfast?[Aragorn stares at him, then walks off.]Merry: Don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.Pippin: What about elevensies? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn't he?Merry: I wouldn't count on it Pip.

~ Peter Jackson

I told myself that it took forty-two facial muscles to frown and only four to stretch out my arm and bitch-slap the witch.

~ Kathy Lette

It comes in pints?

~ Peter Jackson

Everywhere's been where it is ever since it was first put there. It's called geography.

~ Terry Pratchett

I know what kind of man it takes to get involved with something as barbarous as human trafficking.”“I get it, Swopes. He’s not the kind of man you take home to meet yourstepmom.” I rethought that. “Wait a minute. Maybe my stepmom would like to meet him. Do you think he ships to Istanbul?

~ Darynda Jones

CUSTOMER: I don’t know why she wants it, but my wife asked for a copy of The Dinosaur Cookbook.BOOKSELLER: The Dinah Shore Cookbook?

~ Jen Campbell

I have a head for business and a body for sin. Unfortunately, the sin appears to be gluttony.

~ Jenny Colgan

Whatever, crazy chick who maybe lives here and maybe also breaks into Michael's house when they're all gone. I'm out. Have a nice delusion. -Shayne

~ Rachel Caine

Does it give you déjà voodoo how alike the houses are?That's déjà vu, and I hate you right now

~ Rachel Caine

He took her hand in his and knelt before her. Valkyrie looked at him. He was serious. (...)'Dude, I'm sixteen.''I love you.''That doesn't make me any older. Stand up.''Not until you say yes.''You're going to shuffle around on your knees for the rest of your life? Stand up, for God's sake.''Be my wife.' 'Shut the hell up.

~ Derek Landy

Note for Americans and other aliens: Milton Keynes is a new city approximately halfway between London and Birmingham. It was built to be modern, efficient, healthy, and, all in all, a pleasant place to live. Many Britons find this amusing.

~ Neil Gaiman

The waiter approached.'Would you like to see the menu?' he said. 'Or would you like to meet the Dish of the Day?''Huh?' said Ford. 'Huh?' said Arthur.'Huh?' said Trillian.'That’s cool,' said Zaphod. 'We'll meet the meat.

~ Douglas Adams

.« Nik has obviously spoken to Nat about my candy preferences.Written in raspberry bullets is ‘I’m sorry’.Written in green apple jellybeans is ‘I miss you’.Written in cherry jellybeans is ‘I love you’.My heart skips a beat at the last line.Written in gummy bears is ‘Marry me’.Did Nik just propose using candy?Why, yes, brain. Yes, he did. »

~ Belle Aurora

Torture?” she asked with a laugh. “My first piece of information I’ll divulge to you? I wouldn’t recommend trying to torture me. I dislike it and grow sulky under pincers.It’s a fault.

~ Kresley Cole

Momentarily forgetting how wind works, Lex tried spitting at him. This failed

~ Gina Damico

Let me go! She tore off a mirror and brandished it in his face. I mean it! I don't want to go to your godforsaken hellbarn, you retarded psycho farmer!

~ Gina Damico

Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.

~ Winston S. Churchill

Don't look back! Why not? Because I just did! Run faster!

~ Terry Pratchett

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.

~ James Thurber

They desecrate Riora’s sacred temple! She will be enraged.”“Oh, gods, look at the marble. We are all beyond doomed.”“Somebody put a plant in front of it!

~ Kresley Cole

Because 'You're perfect just the way you are,' is what your guidance counselor says. And she's an alcoholic.

~ Libba Bray

Seduction is merely encouraging a man to do something he already wants to do.

~ Lisa Kleypas

Can't you see that I'm only advising you to beg yourself not to be so dumb?

~ Petronius Arbiter

Look at all the things that can go wrong for men. There’s the nothing-happening-at-all problem, the too-much-happening-too-soon problem, the dismal-droop-after-a-promising-beginning problem; there’s the size-doesn’t-matter-except-in-my-case problem, the failing-to-deliver-the-goods problem…and what do women have to worry about? A handful of cellulite? Join the club. A spot of I-wonder-how-I-rank? Ditto.

~ Nick Hornby

Are you kidding? He's arrogant, sarcastic, likes to intimidate people, and—oh. Okay. Maybe she had a point.

~ Richelle Mead