Humour Quotes

These things sneak up on him for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency.

~ Margaret Atwood

There's nothing deeper than love. In fairy tales, the princesses kiss the frogs, and the frogs become princes. In real life,the princesses kiss princes, and the princes turn into frogs.

~ Paulo Coelho

Soul: As a cool guy, I'm used to seeing naked women.Blair: That explains the nosebleed

~ Atsushi Ohkubo

I, being born a woman and distressedBy all the needs and notions of my kind,Am urged by your propinquity to findYour person fair, and feel a certain zestTo bear your body's weight upon my breast;So subtly is the fume of life designed,To clarify the pulse and cloud the mind,And leave me once again undone, possessed.Think not for this, however, the poor treasonOf my stout blood against my staggering brain,I shall remember you with love, or seasonMy scorn with pity, - let me make it plain:I find this frenzy insufficient reasonFor conversation when we meet again.

~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

A man when he is making up to anybody can be cordial and gallant and full of little attentions and altogether charming. But when a man is really in love he can't help looking like a sheep.

~ Agatha Christie

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

~ W.c. Fields

You dress her in a wet T-shirt and make her carry the bags? Damn, Cade, I like how you roll - Rok

~ Kresley Cole

At least Kyle wasn't home. That would be a hard one to explain to his new roomate. Nobody liked a guy who kept blood in the fridge.

~ Cassandra Clare

Pushing magic toward the candle, I willed it to light. Nothing happened.Irys made a strangled sound and the candle burned. “Are you directing your magic to the candle?”“Yes. W

~ Maria V. Snyder

Dios mio, I think my brother lost his balls somewhere between here and Mexico. Or maybe Brittany has them zipped inside that fancy purse (of hers).

~ Simone Elkeles

Can I request another peer guide, One who isn't so happy to be at school at 7:30 a.m.?

~ Simone Elkeles

He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one's eyes, and does not look at him.

~ Oscar Wilde

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be sitting next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'!

~ Kate Angell

MmmmmmI like that thing you do with your tongue. What do you call it? Speaking? Yeah, I dig it

~ Bo Burnham

I mean, if you're asking a fellow to come out of a room so that you can dismember him with a carving knife, it's absurd to tack a 'sir' on to every sentence. The two things don't go together.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

I was so attracted to him I could have peed myself right there on the spot, but I hadn't done anything like that in a while. I was older now, and harnessed my feelings in moments like these by opening and closing my fists very rapidly.

~ The Harvard Lampoon

Girls like you want to cut guy's nuts off and hang 'em from your rearview mirror.

~ Simone Elkeles

What in the blue star-blazes did you see in Jason? he asked, still forcefully but with his frustration and jealousy under better control.For one thing, Djetth, he wasn't trying to kil

~ Rowena Cherry

A politician is someone who promises a bridge even when there's no water

~ Gregory David Roberts

I’m currently unsupervised It frisks me out too but the possibilities are endless

~ Darynda Jones

Yves. You are goint to love him all over again when you meet him, believe me. You're married.' 'I'm what? But I can't be more than eighteen!' 'My son is very persuasive,' said Saul proudly.

~ Joss Stirling

It was absolutely necessary to interrupt him now.

~ Jane Austen

I love you all, even those I don’t particularly like. That’s you, Beryl.

~ Derek Landy

Well I won't argue about the matter. You always want to argue about things.That is exactly what things were originally made for.

~ Oscar Wilde

Love is a delicate plant that needs constant tending and nurturing, and this cannot be done by snorting at the adored object like a gas explosion and calling her friends lice.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

That money talks, I'll not deny, I heard it once: it said, 'goodbye

~ Richard Armour

Actually, I am a failed anorexic. I have anorexic thinking, but I can't seem to muster the behavoir

~ Carrie Fisher

One day, maybe not in the next few weeks, but certainly in the conceivable future, someone will be able to refer to me without using the word 'arse' somewhere in the sentence.

~ Nick Hornby

I am unable to believe in a God susceptible to prayer. I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits, and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds.

~ Quentin Crisp

Marry, don't marry,' Auntie Aya says as we unfold layers of dough to make an apple str

~ Diana Abu-Jaber

You can only fight one man at a time with a sword, but, with a pen, you can compose a lecture to bore legions of enemy troops to death.

~ Lindsay Buroker

But I don’t think I’ve ever known such a natural at Potions!” said Slughorn. “Instinctive, you know — like his mother! I’ve only ever taught a few with this kind of ability, I can tell you that, Sybill — why even Severus —”And to Harry’s horror, Slughorn threw out an arm and seemed to scoop Snape out of thin air toward them.

~ J.k. Rowling

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

~ Shirley Temple Black

Step up to red alert.Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb. - Rimmer & Kryten, Red Dwarf

~ Rob Grant

Doobie always wanted to see the badge. It was shiny, and he was eight.

~ Eoin Colfer

Did you catch the time-of-great-suffering thing?”Her expression softened. “Can you just make sure I’m not around when it happens?”“No can do,” I said, strolling back to my office with a negating wave of my hand. “If I have to suffer, then so does everyone else within a ten-mile radius.”She pursed her lips. “What ever happened to taking one for the team?”“Was never much of a team player.”“Sacrificing yourself for the greater good?”“Not that into human sacrifice.”“Suffering in silence?”I stopped and turned back to her, my eyes narrowing accusingly. “If I have to suffer, I’ll be screaming your name at the top of my lungs the whole time. You’ll be able to hear me all the way to Jersey, mark my words.”- Charley to Cookie

~ Darynda Jones

You may look normal like everyone else, but you're not. Not on the inside.

~ Vera Brosgol

Well, what was I to do? For the well-bred gentleman there was clearly only one recourse. I fucked him.

~ Mark Gatiss

People tell me I shouldn't smoke because it is makes you look like a tit. I use exactly the same argument when people tell me they go to the gym.

~ Robert Clark

Highland werewolves had a reputation for doing atrocious and highly unwarranted *things*, like wearing smoking jackets to the dinner table.

~ Gail Carriger