Humour Quotes

I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully.

~ George W. Bush

Caw! Caw, Hartley, caw!Chase narrowed his eyes again.Sam?I nodded. Then crossed to the window again and called down to Sam. You can quit squawking. He caught me.

~ Gemma Halliday

Sometimes I feel better around you. I kind of like your face' -Nick

~ Sarah Rees Brennan

The waitress scuttles away, and I make a shooing motion at the old couple who’re still glaring. “Don’t you have something to better to work on?” I hiss. “Like golfing or eating prunes or dying?” The old lady looks shocked. “Okay, sorry, not dying. But seriously, prunes are good for you.

~ Sara Wolf

Tonight sucks. And look at me. Look at - look at stupid Buffy. Too dumb for college, and-and-and freak Buffy, too strong for construction work. And-and my job at the magic shop? I was bored to tears even before the hour that wouldn't end. And the only person that I can even stand to be around is a... neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker.

~ Joss Whedon

Jesus, Morelli, you sound like you have PMS. You have to learn to lighten up a little. It's just a car alarm. You should be thanking me. I had it installed with my own money.

~ Janet Evanovich

Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?

~ Robert Clark

I don't care how much you eat, Ender, self-cannibalism won't get you out of this school.

~ Orson Scott Card

CUSTOMER (to her friend): What's this literary criticism section? Is it for books that complain about other books?

~ Jen Campbell

We're on a mission from Glod.

~ Terry Pratchett

I'm not tired. I'm just checking my eyelids for holes. It could take a while

~ Suzanne Wright

I find her anecdotes more efficacious than sheep-counting, rain on a tin roof, or alanol tablets.... you will find me and Morpheus, off in a corner, necking.

~ Dorothy Parker

I've decided to call him Norbert,' said Hagrid, looking at the dragon with misty eyes. 'He really knows me now, watch. Norbert! Norbert! Where's Mummy?''He's lost his marbles,' Ron muttered in Harry's ear.'Hagrid,' said Harry loudly, 'give it a fortnight and Norbert's going to be as big as your house. Malfoy could go to Dumbledore at any moment.Hagrid bit his lip.'I- I know I can't jus' dump him, I can't.'Harry suddenly turned to Ron.'Charlie,' he said.'You're losing it too,' said Ron. 'I'm Ron, remember?

~ J.k. Rowling

This was after stew. But then, so is everything. When the first man crawled out of the slime and went to make his home on land, what he had for dinner that night was stew.

~ William Goldman

China is the same age as I am, and even I have to admit that she wears it better! He laughed, then stopped and peered at her. Because I'm a skeleton he explained.

~ Derek Landy

If only the hat had mentioned a house for people who felt a bit queasy, that would have been the one for him.

~ J.k. Rowling

The little waiter's eyebrows wandered about his forehead in confusion.

~ Douglas Adams

Getting to a higher spiritual level is like increasing your credit score. You get a lot more points for sinning and repenting than if you have no credit history at all.

~ Lisa Kleypas

I don't want to be a genius-I have enough problems just trying to be a man.

~ Albert Camus

There's one thing you don't put in a trap, if you're smart, if you value your continued existance, if you have any plans about seeing tomorrow, there is one thing you never ever put in a trap.And what would that be sir?Me

~ Russell T. Davies

Half my life is an act of revision.

~ John Irving

We don’t hide crazy,” I said. “We put it on the porch and let it entertain the neighbors.

~ Nick Wilgus

If every vampire who said he was at The Crucifixion, was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock . . .

~ Joss Whedon

Got to say, dying would really wreck my best day. Been there, done that, and now that I think about it, Artemis forgot to give me the t-shirt.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

my sword reappeared in my pocket.yeah,great timing.now i could attack the walls all i wanted.my cell had no bar,no window,not even a door

~ Rick Riordan

Beppu (n.)The triumphant slamming shut of a book after reading the final page.

~ Douglas Adams

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

~ Steven Wright

The only way I can describe the extent of my anxiety is to say that I felt as if I were pregnant with a rock.

~ Katharine Graham

The government are tightening up on ID for sales of tobacco and alcohol so I recommend that young people take more drugs.

~ Robert Clark

Gabriel shuffled around the trunk again, searching for faux arrows—arrows designed to injure but not kill. “All these arrows are sharp—and have blood on them.”“Yes, well, I left my cotton candy arrows at home next to my teddy bear.”Gabriel turned to Tristan. “We’re not going to kill that guy.”“We might.”“Tristan, that’s homicide.”“It’s self defense.”“It’s not self defense. He didn’t come after you.”“But he came after Scarlet. And, technically, Scarlet is a piece of me. So, yeah. It’s self-defense. Are you coming with me or not?”“I don’t want to kill him. I just want to hurt him. Or detain him.”“Or maybe you could just give him a big hug.”Tristan started marching into the woods. “You can stay there and clean weapons or whatever, but I’m going after our intruder.

~ Chelsea Fine

The worst mistake a writer can make is to assume everyone has an imagination.

~ Andrew Mcewan

I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid I'll never get a chance to live!

~ A.a. Bell

Euthanasia is an excellent and comforting word! I am grateful to whoever invented it.

~ Bram Stoker

I want a baby of my very own one day, but it seems that my being male is a BIIIIT of a problem.

~ Yana Toboso

If you want to know the Correct term for me, I'm a Dark-Hunter.Nick digested that word slowly. Which means what? You hunt darkness?Yes, Nick. That's exactly what I do. There's just not enough of it. Now, there was some sarcasm you could cut with a knife.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Like the famous mad philosopher said, when you stare into the void, the void stares also; but if you cast into the void, you get a type conversion error. (Which just goes to show Nietzsche wasn't a C++ programmer.)

~ Charles Stross

There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.

~ Quentin Crisp

... all his faces were designed to express rage or loathing. Now that something had happened which really deserved a face, he had none to celebrate it with. As a kind of token, he made his Sex Life in Ancient Rome face.

~ Kingsley Amis

Letitia! What a name. Halfway between a salad and a sneeze.

~ Terry Pratchett

It's hard to maintain a reputation for being grim and mysterious when you're accompanied by a brightly clad young thing, skipping merrily along at your side, holding your hand, and smiling sweetly on one and all.

~ Simon R. Green