Humour Quotes

I thought the trees down in Lady Zelana’s country were about as big as a tree could get,” he said, “but the ones around here are so tall that they probably tickle the moon’s tummy when she goes by.

~ David Eddings

These days, you could stage a three-point orgy in the garden and nobody would bat an eye...

~ Angela Carter

Wad Rayyes, you're a man who talks. rubbish. Your whole brain's in the head of your penis and the head of your penis is as small as your brain.

~ Tayeb Salih

Minimalism is a girl's best asset, blend tones, smudge hard outlines; if all else fails; Photoshop it.

~ Judith Chambers

God gave you brain so that you can give him rest.

~ Wheto Joseph Seyon

The raven settled back. “Dog is Cordi.” “Said that.” Percy took flight from Kate’s shoulder and landed next to the raven. “First.” Copernicus swatted the parrot with a wing. Percy ducked his head, feathers fluffing, and twisted, bumping the other bird with his rear. David intervened before a bird brawl broke out in earnest. “Enough, you two.

~ Gayla Drummond

Laugh and the world laughs with you.Fart and you're on your own.

~ Peter James West

You only get one life.Too bad you already made a mess of it.

~ Peter James West

. . . Mrs. Arcanum considered foreign parts only marginally less unspeakable than private parts. . .

~ Terry Pratchett

The day you start accepting that life is a bitch and laughing over it, is the day you won't seem to mind how many puppies she gives.

~ Manmeet Singh Narang

Dawson!” Ash yelled from below. “What are you doing? Stop! Do something, Adam!”Adam’s laugh followed. “Someone needed to put Andrew in his place. I always figured it would be Daemon. Who knew.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

You're sure?' I asked. 'I mean, the Lord of the Sword is great. But you could also be, I don't know, the Slammer of the Hammer'.

~ Rick Riordan

Then he started his period.One week in bed.Two doctors in.Three painkillers four times a day.And later a letter to the powers-that-bedemanding full-paid menstrual leave twelve weeks per year.

~ Carol Ann Duffy

The sky's gone blue: azure, the ocean bluer: cerulean, the trees are swirls of every hella freaking green on earth and bright thick eggy yellow is spilling over everything. Awesome. Doomsday's most definitely been cancelled. Landscape: When God Paints Outside The Lines

~ Jandy Nelson

Mission accomplished' I said.Pudge my friend we are indefuckingstructable.

~ John Green

Pardon me if, reading that, I want to laugh, because you want to relieve me of a fear I've never had. I've never thought that, as they say, you eat little children.

~ Jeanne D'albret

He plugged the phone into the outlet.It rang. Roman stared at it as if it were a viper. The phone rang again. He unplugged it. “There.” “It can’t be that bad,” I told him. “Oh, it’s bad.” Roman nodded. “My dad refused to help my second sister buy a house, because he doesn’t like her boyfriend. My mother called him and it went badly. She cursed him. Every time he urinates, the stream arches up and over.

~ Ilona Andrews

You're Missing a hand. And you're missing a brain!

~ Nadine Brandes

I do not encourage early morning chirpiness, even in those whom I know and love. It is generally a sign of a sloppy mind, and is not to be encouraged.

~ Alan Bradley

Indeed, it may most verily be saidThat only death and taxes certain are.

~ Ian Doescher

You can't conceive the perverse ingenuity he could put into hiding his affections.

~ May Sinclair

You want them to give Batman counselling sessions?It's genius. Just make Bruce Wayne get over his shit, then, presto, no more Batman. The baddies win by default.

~ Jay Stringer

Don't go getting offended my friend, I have much worse things to say to you.-Ad'Dam, Journey from Atremes

~ Riley Amos Westbrook

An avalanche is just a snowflake that got pissed off.

~ Andi James Chamberlain

Then I think, fuck it, this bit of floor looks nice.

~ Jay Stringer

I wanted to make at least an effort to impress, so I found my best suit, a Primark special that looked like it had been ironed by a blind man

~ Jay Stringer

No, he didn’t come to me for a gun. I only said that because of you, thought maybe you’d want one, with being shot and everything.’ ‘Why the fuck would I want a gun? Would you ask a man who’s just been bitten by a shark if he wants to buy a shark?

~ Jay Stringer

The two of them kept an eye open for every tree or temple we passed by, and turned to me for a reaction of piety which I gave them, of course, and with growing elaborateness: first just touching my eye, then my neck, then my clavicle, and even my nipples.  They were convinced I was the most religious servant on earth.

~ Aravind Adiga

We ran both the courier service and a detective agency from the same office, and had phone apps for both. Basically, we're Uber for parcels and mysteries.

~ Jay Stringer

The bullets are gun-eggs,” Collingswood said to Baron, looking at Vardy. Farmers squeezing their holy metal beasts to percussive climax, fertilisation by cordite expulsion, violent ovipositors. Seeking warm places full of nutrients, protecting baby guns deep in the bone cages, until they hatched.

~ China Miéville

I like it subdued and tepid, with far to much milk

~ Andi James Chamberlain

The rest of the evening passed agreeably: the crew had their games on the main deck, resigning themselves to Sirs and dice now that dancing was out, those who would go ashore to enjoy the dining halls and tea houses went after their matches were lost, and those who remained either took themselves off to an early rest or remained with the musicians, to sing out the remainder of the evening by way of a few round songs, calling out verses in melodic dissonance, singing the history of Good Marrie the Whore and though there were “Ten hands in her purse, there was still room for one more!”

~ Michelle Franklin

It’s a terrible person who listens to what we say rather than what we mean

~ F.d. Lee

Daddy loved his son. Daddy believed his son walked on water. Daddy, Mike had long ago decided, was an idiot.

~ Nicholas Sparks

Jack picked a piece of mint from his glass and chewed on it for a second. “I’m curious,” he said,“is telling someone to relax ever helpful? It’s like saying ‘breathe’ to someone who ishyperventilating or ‘swallow’ to a person who’s choking. It’s a completely useless admonition.

~ Cynthia D'aprix Sweeney

The worst part of being a driver is that you have hours to yourself while waiting for your employer. You can spend this time chitchatting and scratching your groin. You can read murder and rape magazines. You can develop the chauffeur's habit it's a kind of yoga, really of putting a finger in your nose and letting your mind go blank for hours (they should call it the bored driver's asana).

~ Aravind Adiga

I wondered: if I was so hell-bent on chaos, why would I adopt a military rank? Perhaps there was a part of me that needed rules, needed regulations and order.

~ Steven Poore

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

~ Chic Murray (1919-1985).

Not just one way to describe ourselves, but two ways, at least.Not just one way to hunt for a job, but two ways, at least.Not just one kind of job to hunt for, but two kinds of jobs, at least.Not just one size company to go after, but two sizes, at least.Not just one place we really would like to work at, but two places, at least.

~ Richard N. Bolles

Life is difficult and those who make us laugh are angels.

~ Wayne Gerard Trotman