Humour Quotes

The main causes for divorceare marriages.

~ A.j. Beirens

On the sixth day god created man,on the seventh day man created god.Now we are even.

~ A.j. Beirens

Did god make man too perfect,So that a piece has to be removedthrough circumcision?

~ A.j. Beirens

So I needed to be womanised. I was losing my sheen.

~ Lorrie Moore

She wore a lot of gray-green corduroy. She had been under the impression that it brought out her eyes, those shy stars.

~ Lorrie Moore

The turkeys I eat are raised on farms. They're different. They've signed on the dotted line.

~ Lorrie Moore

Life is a windowless room in the Hotel Bellevue.

~ Victoria Wood

Yes. She’s correct. We’re not friends. We are lufenes actually. But she’s had an overdose of magic, which has seemingly rendered her empathetically impotent.

~ Jessica O'toole

How was your afternoon?“No one died, so it was a big improvement on my morning.

~ Will Kostakis

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which is a pity because this week the National Association of Beholders wrote to tell me that I've got a face like a rucksack full of dented bells.

~ Charlie Brooker

Once upon a time,there was a Zen signat every small railway crossing in AmericaStop. Look. And listen.

~ Dick Allen

People who say you can't do something should be ignored. They're probably talking to themselves.

~ Eliza Green

You don’t get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.

~ L. Ron Hubbard

And then this happened. And then this other thing happened. Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you about the time this happened. I should've had this book over for a cup of coffee and a chat.

~ Nick Stewart

On the other hand, she was disproportionately indulgent towards the failings of men, and was often heard to say that these were natural.

~ George Eliot

It is much harder than you might think to show people your bottom.

~ Mark Forsyth

So I'm cruising down the road and the object of my thoughts is racing down the street, screaming that her father is a cop. A public servant, very flattering I like a man in uniform He laughed. 'Do you like pizza?' 'What a ridiculous question. I suppose you're going to ask me if I like pasta next?

~ Melina Marchetta

Shigure: G'morning.Tohru: Good mo

~ Natsuki Takaya

Everyone’s face is odd, because we only get one.

~ Benny Bellamacina

All this and the wine's coming in and out, and by the time the waiters set the espressos down Callan’s about half in the bag. He watches Calabrese take a long sip from an espresso cup. Then the boss says, “Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you.” One motherfuck of an essay question.

~ Don Winslow

All this and the wines coming in and out, and by the time the waiters set the espressos down Callan’s about half in the bag. He watches Calabrese take a long sip from an espresso cup. Then the boss says, 'Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you.' One motherfuck of an essay question. 

~ Don Winslow

Lady Bracknell, I hate to seem inquisitive, but would you kindly inform me who I am?

~ Oscar Wilde

I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are a lot of self righteous people out there. And if you try to adjust your life to please them - by the way you dress, your sexuality, or the ass faces you like to make - you are just going to go crazy and risk being as unhappy as these self righteous kooks are. So enjoy your life. God gave us our bodies as a gift.(Granted, to some of us it's kind of a gag gift, but that's okay too.) Wear what you want, love who you want, and have fun.

~ Ellen Degeneres

Furious and wild with fear, the potatoes flailed the air with their leaves and stamped their roots, but obviously this got them nowhere.

~ Stanisław Lem

All this and the wine's coming in and out, and by the time the waiters set the espressos down Callan’s about half in the bag. He watches Calabrese take a long sip from an espresso cup. Then the boss says, 'Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you.' One motherfuck of an essay question. 

~ Don Winslow

Eye Amost Evr Spel Ah Werd Wong Annymoe, sinc eye goat alto pel

~ James Hauenstein

The old who refuse to die merely on principle live on forever, to hate life and complain of all the things they could have been spared had they the good sense to die young.

~ Michelle Franklin

This ends now. We’re breaking bread.” The waiter gets to us before Thommo’s had time to peruse.“Do you have bread?”“We have croissants.”Thommo blinks. “We’re breaking croissant.”“One croissant?” the waiter asks.“With three plates.”“They’re very small.” He mimes the croissant’s size.“Then bring small plates,” Thommo says.

~ Will Kostakis

Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty.

~ Carl Hiaasen

Be careful,' I hissed, then released him. 'Keep one eye on your back, and two on your best friend.''That's three eyes.''You'll need four to survive what's coming,' I said.

~ Daniel Polansky

A sword needs a sheath, heh, and a wedding needs a bedding.

~ George R.r. Martin

Right, times up,” Annie declared as she not so graciously stood from the table. “On to Hot Steppers, where naked men are waiting to grind upon thy lap. Come along my trusty wenches!

~ Karen Raines

I feel fresh.

~ Lailah Gifty Akita

I wish you all the best in life. Hell, I will even write your obituary for free.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Some people respect some people only because some people respect them.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

What is the point of living forever if you are stuck on a permanent diet of leaves and twigs?

~ Jen A. Durand

For a tiny instant Faith wondered whether it would benefit the doctor's investigation if he experienced a cliff fall first-hand.

~ Frances Hardinge

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one.”Don't vote. It just encourages them....

~ Billy Connolly

Well, Watson, what do you make of it?'Holmes was sitting with his back to me, and I had given him no sign of my occupation.'How did you know what I was doing? I believe you have eyes in the back of your head.''I have, at least, a well-polished, silver-plated coffee-pot in front of me', said he.

~ Arthur Conan Doyle

Tighten your seat belt and enjoy the ride of life.

~ Lailah Gifty Akita