You can easily tell he's a newlywed because he's still smiling at his mother-in-law.
~ Elmer Pasta
So you want to become my son-in-law. Not exactly. I just want to marry your daughter.
~ Anonymous
You need that guy like a giraffe needs a strep throat.
~ Ann Landers
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason - there's a reason.
~ Molly Mcgee
I do not spoil women. ... I don't send them flowers and gifts. . . . I'm saving those gestures until I am an unpleasant old man who must resort to bribery to win a woman's synthetic affections.
~ George Sanders
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
~ Rita Rudner
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
~ Phyllis Diller
Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.
~ Maurice Chevalier
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
~ Michel De Montaigne
The great secret of a successful marriage is to treat all disasters as incidents and none of the incidents as disasters.
~ Harold Nicolson
This is a perfect pair - he's a hypochondriac and she's a pill.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years-I didn't want to interrupt her.
~ Rodney Dangerfield
Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours free Retin-A.
Advice to son: Never confuse I love you with I want to marry you.
~ Cleveland Amory
Living with a saint is more grueling than being one.
~ Robert Neville
God help the man who won't marry until he finds a perfect woman and God help him still more if he finds her.
~ Ben Tillet
My husband yells comments like How long till you're ready? Throw out a date.
~ Wendy Morgan
I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.
~ Robert Orben
Keeping a secret from my wife is like trying to smuggle daylight past a rooster. Annoyed wife to husband: Can't you just say we've been married twenty-four years instead of almost a quarter of a century?
After paying for the wedding about all a father has left to give away is the bride.
~ Ned Spieker
She represents the country Alamonia.
~ David Letterman
A wedding invitation is sent by people who have been saying Do we have to ask them? to people whose first response is How much do you think we have to spend on them?
~ Judith Martin
You may marry the man of your dreams ladies but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.
~ Roseanne Barr
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
~ Marie Corelli
The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prison they let you play Softball on the weekends.
~ Bobby Kelton
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce murder yes but divorce never.
~ Jack Benny
Let me give you an idea how long ago they got married. You know where they met? . . . At a Cubs World Series game.
~ Jay Leno
You might try doing what my folks did. Twice a week they would go out for a special meal. . . with wine good food and soft lighting. Dad took Tuesday and Mom took Thursday.
He had a great sound system - but he didn't know much about fidelity.
Getting married is a good deal like going to a restaurant with your friends. You order what you want and then when you see what the other fellow got you wish you had taken that.
~ Clarence Darrow
Prenuptial agreement: Paper a lawyer prepares to protect the party of the first part from the party of the second part should they discover the party's over.
~ Rheta G. Johnson
After our honeymoon I felt like a new man. She said she did too.
I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
We've never been happier. Things are great. . . I just don't go into her part of the house.
~ Buddy Hackett
My wife divorced me because of illness. She got sick of me.
A friend of mine hated her husband so much that when he died she had him cremated blended him with marijuana and smoked him. She said That's the best he's made me feel in years.
~ Maureen Murphy
We split up over religious differences - she worshiped money . . . and I didn't have any.
~ B. J. Cole
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first divorced me and the second won't.
For their last anniversary she gave him a set of luggage - packed.
God this request isn't for me it's for my mom. . . . Could you send her a son-in-law?
~ Lane Lenhart
