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I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

~ Steven Wright

Steven Wright Breakfast Humor Nonsense

...cursing my heels and debating whether it was faster to stop and take them off--damn ankle straps!--or keep running with the potential neck breakers. Wouldn’t that make a charming epitaph? Here lies Cat. Killed not by fang, but Ferragamos.

~ Jeaniene Frost

Jeaniene Frost Cat Humor Vampire

Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys.

~ George R.r. Martin

George R.r. Martin A Song Of Ice And Fire A Storm Of Swords Game Of Thrones Humor Humorous Quotes Jaime Lannister Tyrion Lannister

We'd spent maybe ten minutes together, during which time I'd accidentally swung a sword at her, she'd saved my life, and I'd run away chased by a band of supernatural killing machines. You know, your typical chance meeting.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Humor

What's going on? Newt asked, looking back and forth between Thomas and Aris. Why're you guys looking at each other like you just fell in love?

~ James Dashner

James Dashner Aris Humor Newt Thomas

The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks.

~ Douglas Adams

Douglas Adams Humor

Still it might be nice, once in a while, not to have to choose between evils. Just once, couldn't I choose the lesser good?

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

Laurell K. Hamilton Compromise Humor

Do you love him?There were only a few people in the world who could ask me such insanely personal questions without getting punched. Dimitri was one of them.

~ Richelle Mead

Richelle Mead Dimitri Belikov Humor Kick Ass Rose Hathaway Vampire Academy

Kira: L, do you knowGods of deathlove apples?L: Damn you, Kira...

~ Tsugumi Ohba

Tsugumi Ohba Humor Manga Note Secret

Kenji has a hand pressed to his mouth, desperately trying to suppress a smile. He’s shaking his head, holding up a hand in apology. And then he breaks, laughing out loud, snorting as he tries to muffle the sound. “I’m sorry,” he says, pressing his lips together, shaking his head again. “This is not a funny moment. It’s not. I’m not laughing

~ Tahereh Mafi

Tahereh Mafi Humor Ignite Me Kenji

I had just heard tales that the Valkyrie were large warriors, akin to Amazons.”“If you’re the sole survivor of an army attacked by us, are you going to say we had our asses handed to us by petite, nubile females, or by she-monsters who can bench Buicks?

~ Kresley Cole

Kresley Cole Assumptions Humor

I tried to tell you. You said you didn't care, remember?A muscle ticked below his eye. You should have told me anyway.While you had barbells within your reach? Please. I'm Disease, not Stupid.

~ Gena Showalter

Gena Showalter Disease Humor Lords Of The Underworld

I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.

~ Darynda Jones

Darynda Jones Humor Star Wars

An artist is somebody who produces things that people don't need to have.

~ Andy Warhol

Andy Warhol Art Fame Humor

It is happy for you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are they the result of previous study?

~ Jane Austen

Jane Austen Humor Jane Austen Mr Collins

The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad, For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad.

~ G.k. Chesterton

G.k. Chesterton Humor Irish Song War

Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have. For instance, if you wake up to the sound of twittering birds, and find yourself in an enormous canopy bed, with a butler standing next to you holding a breakfast of freshly made muffins and hand-squeezed orange juice on a silver tray, you will know that your day will be a splendid one. If you wake up to the sound of church bells, and find yourself in a fairly big regular bed, with a butler standing next to you holding a breakfast of hot tea and toast on a plate, you will know that your day will be O.K. And if you wake up to the sound of somebody banging two metal pots together, and find yourself in a small bunk bed, with a nasty foreman standing in the doorway holding no breakfast at all, you will know that your day will be horrid.

~ Lemony Snicket

Lemony Snicket Humor Mornings

Captain! To your left there’s a Lunar guard and on your right is a doctor who’s running tests on Lunars and I’m being held by one of Levana’s wolf hybrids and please be careful!”Thorne took a step back into the hallway a gun from his waistband. He spent a moment swiveling the barrel of the gun in each direction, but nobody moved to attack him.With some surprise, Cress realized that the operative’s grip had weakened.“Er…” Thorne furrowed his brow, aiming the gun somewhere near the window. “Could you describe all those threats again because I feel like I missed something.

~ Marissa Meyer

Marissa Meyer Carswell Cress Humor Thorne

Check out that one at the end. He's taken the form of a footstool. Weird...but somehow I like his style.That is a footstool.

~ Jonathan Stroud

Jonathan Stroud Humor

Would you like a cough drop Dolores?

~ J.k. Rowling

J.k. Rowling Humor

I'm making a listI'm making a list of things I must sayFor politeness,And goodness and kindness and gentlenessSweetness and rightness:HelloPardon meHow are you?Excuse meBless youMay I?Thank youGoodbyeIf you know some that I've forgot,Please stick them in you eye!

~ Shel Silverstein

Shel Silverstein Humor Manners Poems

When God made man she was practicing.

~ Rita Mae Brown

Rita Mae Brown Feminism Humor

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

~ Steven Wright

Steven Wright Humor Irony Nobel Peace Prize

Yes. Reyn is our resident horse master. He has an excellent seat.I grinned. I've noticed.Reyn's face tightened and Nell flushed, looking embarrassed. It's an equestrian term.Really? I thought you were talking about his ass.

~ Cate Tiernan

Cate Tiernan Humor Sarcasm Teasing Witty

I can still kick your pony-lovin' butt with twice this much pain.Thomas shrugged, I do love ponies. Wish I could eat one right now.

~ James Dashner

James Dashner Humor Maze Runner Scorch Trials

I see a light in the kitchen. Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are.

~ J.k. Rowling

J.k. Rowling Dumbledore Harry Potter Humor Molly Weasley

As I got closer to the fence, I held my shirt over my nose to block the smell. One stallion waded through the muck and whinnied angrily at me. He bared his teeth, which were pointed like a bear's.I tried to talk to him in my mind. I can do that with most horses.I'm going to clean your stables. Won't that be great?Come inside! Eat you! Tasty half-blood!Usually this gets me VIP treatment in the equestrian world, not this time.Poseidon can come in, too! We will eat you both! Seafood! The other horses chimed in as they waded through the field.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Food Horse Humor Percy Jackson Poseidon Seafood

Do I look stupid? snarled Uncle Vernon, a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache.

~ J.k. Rowling

J.k. Rowling Humor

Do you answer a question directly?Hard to say. Ah, there, I've done it again

~ Leigh Bardugo

Leigh Bardugo Humor Sturmhond

I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way...”“Yes, they do that,” said Dumbledore.

~ J.k. Rowling

J.k. Rowling Dumbledore Humor Malfoy Order Of The Phoenix Sarcasm

You, Ms. Lane, are a menace to others! A walking, talking catastrophe in pink!

~ Karen Marie Moning

Karen Marie Moning Humor

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not, a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

~ Francis Bacon

Francis Bacon Humor Imagination

You're not right in the head, and nor am I, and this is why....this is why I like you.

~ Morrissey

Morrissey Humor Lyrics Music

When he finished, he drank from the cup. Everyone else did too, so I followed suit.And nearly choked to death.It was like fire in liquid form. It took every ounce of strength I had to swallow it and not spray it on those around me.Wh...what is this? I asked, coughing.Viktoria grinned. Vodka.I peered at the glass. No, it isn't. I've had vodka before.Not Russian vodka.Apparently not.

~ Richelle Mead

Richelle Mead Humor Rose

They say: Think twice before you jump. I say: Jump first and then think as much as you want!

~ Osho

Osho Humor Spiritual

I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

P.g. Wodehouse Hero Humor Imperfect

Leo,” Hazel gasped, “I can’t—my arms—”“Hazel,” he said. “Do you trust me?”“No!”“Me neither,” Leo admitted.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Funny Humor Leo I Love You Ok Lol Trust

How do you feel right now? I hurt like hell.You'll feel worse tomorrow.So?So, better get a jump on this while you still feel...not as bad.What kind of logic is that? I retorted.

~ Richelle Mead

Richelle Mead Humor Logic Training

Can you enter a house uninvited?No.Why?That would be rude.

~ Abigail Gibbs

Abigail Gibbs Fabian Humor Sarcasm Vampire Mythology Violet

Hazel!” he yelled. “That box! Open it!”She hesitated, then saw the box he meant. Te label read WARNING. DO NOT OPEN. “Open it!” Leo yelled again.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Hazel Levesque Heroes Of Olympus Humor Percy Jackson And The Olympians The Mark Of Athena
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