Comedy Quotes

Family is not a career. It’s why you have a career. If you can’t be there for the big moments, then why are you doing it?

~ Jewel E. Ann

A question that always makes me hazy is it me or are the others crazy'Albert Einstein

~ Victoria Ward

You can't fight hatred with hatred and expect anyone to listen to you. You can only try to lessen it with humor, wit, truth and commonsense. If that doesn't work run like hell, while they throw rocks at you.

~ Shannon L. Alder

Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without even your asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective people.

~ Wendy Wasserstein

In a simple street you can find the whole world: You can find joy and sorrow; you can find good and evil, silence and noise; you can find all the comedies and all the tragedies! An ordinary simple street is the mirror of the whole world!

~ Mehmet Murat Ildan

I've never heard of a man's cock being described as a fang before. - Rapahel

~ Nalini Singh

If you find yourself cutting corners, go in a circle instead

~ Benny Bellamacina

Right then, in a nutshell: this one hasn't a single bone of obedient-little-wife material in her heavenly body.''Hasn't she? Then what kind of bone does your expertise detect?'Fermin came closer, adopting a confidential tone. 'The passionate kind,' he said, raising his eyebrows with an air of mystery. 'And you can be sure I mean that as a compliment.

~ Carlos Ruiz Zafón

As an author I'm in my head all day and I worry that I lose touch with reality. But then my dog pees on my shoe and I know I've found it again.

~ Michelle M. Pillow

I ejaculated about ten minutes ago and the stuff was black. So everything is not normal.Silence greeted that happy little announcement. Man, if he had hauled off and sucker-punched V, he would have gotten less of a shocked-out reaction.

~ J.r. Ward

People say memories are there to be cherished. I believe memories are there to be created, and if you do something worthwhile today, you will stop living in the past

~ James Perrin

Keep your southern fried bullshit to yourself. And know this, Charlie is the sweetest girl I've ever met and if you hurt her, or infect her with some kind of disease, you will die. Slowly.

~ Eve Dangerfield

James couldn't help it, he smiled. Charlotte was the strangest girl he'd spent time with lately, not because she was weird or even kinky, but because sweetness seemed to pour from her skin like molasses.

~ Eve Dangerfield

So, if there are any couples here this evening having a secret extramarital affair, I encourage you to breed.

~ Alison Larkin

The male tax?”“Yeah. The tax that men have to pay for not having to menstruate every month. Or risk getting pregnant. Or deal with the physically stronger sex in a macho world… Women have to put up with all that stuff, so the least we men can do is pay the male tax and get the tab.

~ Zack Love

I’m 30, it’s Christmas, and I’m a writer without a job. I sit hereengulfed in a furious fit of frustration. My future unknown. Mynuts so small you could fit them in a gnat’s navel and have roomleft over for my brain.

~ Josh Mitchell

The point of tantric sex was supposedly to harness sexual energy to awaken higher consciousness. It was just like yoga, but way more fun.

~ Jackson Radcliffe

The appreciative smile, the chuckle, the soundless mirth, so important to the success of comedy, cannot be understood unless one sits among the audience and feels the warmth created by the quality of laughter that the audience takes home with it.

~ James Thurber

And because she worshipped joy, Kira seldom laughed and did not go to see comedies in theaters. And because she felt a profound rebellion against the weighty, the tragic, the solemn, Kira had a solemn reverence for those songs of defiant gaiety.

~ Ayn Rand

People in blind love throw away common sense, conscience and comedy from the life.

~ Amit Kalantri

All children in those small-town, unhurried days had a vast inner life going on in the movies. Children were allowed to go without chaperone in the afternoons. My sense of making fictional comedy undoubtedly first caught its spark from the antic pantomime of the silent screen, and from having a kindred soul to laugh with.

~ Eudora Welty

He who writes books that aim to convince is a comedian, too, just a comedian. What has he got to offer others, apart from chains, still more chains? Fiction never liberated anyone. No one ever brought anything back from voyages through dream worlds.

~ Jean-Marie G. Le Clézio

You’re one tough egg to crack. You know that? You’re like a Kinder egg wrapped inside a mystery wrapped inside an enigma.

~ Cassia Leo

Then maybe you’ll believe me when I say…you’re pretty fucking special, Laney Hill.

~ Cassia Leo

Eventually, you're gonna have to let someone in.

~ Cassia Leo

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

~ Cassia Leo

At the end of the world, music always played on like a bad movie.

~ Mav Skye

Prayer or not, I want to believe that, despite all evidence to the contrary, it is possible for anyone to find that one special person. That person to spend Christmas with or grow old with or just take a nice silly walk in Central Park with.

~ Rachel Cohn

Allegedly, allegedly I say, the R.G.A. were extremely miffed of portrait painted of their monarch, King Tingaling XX, by Master. Portrait apparently, as it’s yet t’be unveiled, depicts King Tingaling XX in rather compromisin’ position with a pineapple, a wad of cash and his favourite pig, Buttercup.

~ Elias Zapple

Misery comes to miser; joy comes to wiser. (A Very Hot Cup of Tea, Empathy)Juvenile invites, youth tries, adult applies, and the old man dies. (A Straw Man, Empathy)In everyone, there lives a superhero. (The Medicine Man, Empathy)Faith is the strongest word in any dictionary. (The Wisdom Beard, Empathy)I’ve entered into your feelings; it’s your turn now. (Empathy)

~ D.r. Mirror

Anytime there's a bad female stand-up somewhere, some dickhead Interblogger will deduce that “women aren't funny.” Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups.

~ Tina Fey

You all watched a sketch about feminism and you didn't even know it because of all the jokes. It's like when Jessica Seinfeld puts spinach in kids' brownies. Suckers!

~ Tina Fey

It always pisses me off when I’m calling in to some Morning Zoo radio show to promote God-only-knows what—probably this book, so get ready, I’m comin’—when the DJ actually tries to convince me that there are as many female comics as male ones. Cue hypermasculine Morning Zoo Hacky McGee voice: “So Kath, I don’t know what you chicks are always complaining about.” To which I respond: “Really? Why don’t you call your local comedy club and ask for the Saturday night lineup? I guarantee you the male to female ratio is going to be about nine to one. You dick-wad.

~ Kathy Griffin

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~ Kelly Sue Deconnick

Why didn't you talk about whether women are funny or not?I just felt that by commenting on that in any real way, it would be tacit approval of it as a legitimate debate, which it isn't. It would be the same as addressing the issue of 'Should dogs and cats be able to care for our children? They're in the house anyway.' I try not to make it a habit to seriously discuss nonsensical hot-button issues.

~ Mindy Kaling

I felt bad for the girls in my school, who flocked to prom like it was the second coming of Christ, complete with double-rainbows and unicorns.

~ G.g. Silverman

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

~ Chris Rock

I like to watch the news, because I don't like people very much and when you watch the news ... if you ever had an idea that people were really terrible, you could watch the news and know that you're right.

~ Frank Zappa

Dating someone exclusively for four months in New York is like four years in Anchorage.

~ Zack Love

Having had virtually no contact with the outside world for the last few weeks, Evan had temporarily forgotten the social norms governing shopping conduct or approaching celebrities in public.

~ Zack Love