Comedy Quotes

Kermit: Hey, Fozzie, I want you to turn left if you come to a fork in the road.Fozzie: Yes sir, turn left at the fork in the road.[drives past a giant fork]Fozzie: Kermit!Kermit: I don't believe that.

~ The Muppet Movie (1979)

Human Millipede 6 was the highest-grossing movie of the summer and returned Nicholas Cage to Oscar-winning status.

~ C.z. Hazard

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track.

~ Erin Mitchell

We skipped right over Walmart on the ladder down.

~ Tyler Barton

At least a hospital stay will give him an excuse to halt the job hunt.

~ Stephanie Bramson

The train hit her with the sound of a meat-filled hefty bag smacking the pavement, and the effect was much the same, I guess. (Dark City Lights)

~ Warren Moore

Wow, that was an expensive looking explosion! I can't believe we had that in the budget.

~ The Muppets (2011)

He didn't give a shit if Shakespeare didn't have glitter back in his day.

~ Tiffany Ferentini

Fozzie Bear: [holds up a photo of Constantine] Check this out![covers the mole]Walter: Oh, look, it's Kermit![Fozzie uncovers the mole]Walter: [shrieks] What did you do with Kermit?

~ Muppets Most Wanted (2014)

Everyone loves a goddamned trainwreck, after all.

~ Carolyn Drake

I know exactly what Clarissa is talking about. We have all been concerned about Brenda for a few weeks now. Most days she’s fine, but on the odd occasion, she’s behaving totally out of character. “I’m going to go now, I will leave you in peace,” she says about to hang up.“Clarissa?” I ask, making sure she’s still on the line.“I’m still here,” she says confirming.“It’s best to be honest with people, right?” I know that if my dear friend, one of my oldest friends is to offer me advice when I need it, then I should listen to what she has to say. I know that by asking her opinion, she will always tell me the truth. She will always steer me in the right direction and she would never lie to me.“Always,” she simply replies. “Goodnight sweetheart, see you in the morning.

~ J.a. Heron

Thank God it wasn’t beef jerky, or I might’ve ended up dead. The President's Neighbor a comedy script by Brett Bacon.

~ Brett Bacon

Cigarette smoke when i didn't ask for it. Never when I did.

~ Ifra Asad

I am always doing what I thought I couldn't do, because I might learn something. Henri Marcel - French Artist in Marriage, A Journey and A Dog.

~ Brenda H Sedgwick

Only in California could the night air be lit not by fireflies, but radioactive porn star cumshots.

~ C.z. Hazard

As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

~ Hugh Wilson

If ye wear underwear, it's a skirt. If ye dinna, it's a kilt.

~ Vonnie Davis

Alma didn’t want Isabel to start singing the praises of their pet, a rescue beagle, or she wouldn’t shush until sundown. “I’ve found the missing lady,” Alma said. “Say welcome home, Betsy Sweet.

~ Ed Lynskey

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.

~ S.a. Tawks

Judith (sadly): A change has come over my children of late. I have tried to shut my eyes to it, but in vain. At my time of life one must face bitter facts!

~ Noel Coward Sir

As for the committable comment, all geniuses are nuts, Heather, my patients appreciate it.

~ B.r. Maycock

The difference between a man and a woman is whether to ask for directions.

~ Edward Harris

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

~ Terry Pratchett

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

~ Groucho Marx

In summers, after 1 hour of extreme gaming you can use your laptop to iron your shirt.

~ Neetesh Dixit

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

~ Zack Love

The human race has the capacity to render itself extinct unless alternatives are found to the patterns of intraspecific warfare that have dominated civilized history. Ours has long been a predatory species. Living, for humans, depends upon the ability to kill as clearly as it does for lions or wolves. But lions and wolves, like almost all predatory species, normally limit their killing to prey animals, and they are equipped with elaborate ritual precautions to prevent the destruction of their own kind. Humans appear to be unique among predators in their enthusiasm to destroy members of their own species. Perhaps this unusual behavior can be attributed to some genetic deficiency which may lead humans ultimately to join the rest of nature's failures in the biological graveyard of extinction. Or perhaps our willingness to kill ourselves, like so many of our other problems, is something we have devised by misusing our enlarged brains.

~ Joseph W. Meeker

Mr. Acme comments that the new foodservice professionals in the cafeteria are two-headed carnival escapees and probably also wanted convicts. He expresses his deep conviction that the names they gave him are aliases and promises that if he finds one more cat whisker in his chicken almandine, he will hand them over to the police, whom, he is sure, will be glad to have them back.

~ Molly Meadows

The next afternoon I left work to find that my car had been broken into and ransacked — but that not one thing had been stolen. I was so insulted that I left a note on the window that read:Dear Scumbag Thieves,If you go to the trouble of tossing my car, you could at least steal a lousy pair of sunglasses.The next day I discovered a gift card lying on the driver’s seat with this message:Here’s $500. It’s the best we can do until the holidays.P.S. Get some decent tires, why don’t you. We couldn’t sell these desperate maypops if we did steal them.

~ Molly Meadows

Laughter is a whip that keeps us in line. It's horrible to be laughed at against your will. Either you suppress unwelcome laughter or you start controlling it.

~ Keith Johnstone

Everyone says it's wrong, 'drinking and driving', don't they. I can tell you two things that are far more dangerous than 'drinking and driving': 1. 'drinking'; 2. 'driving'.Do you know how many people were killed last year in Britain as a direct result of alcohol abuse?--thirty-five-thousand!Do you know how many people were killed as a direct result of driving a car?--twenty-two-thousand!Do you know how many people were killed as a direct result of drinking _and_ driving?--five-hundred! ::pauses::I'm not taking any fuckin' chances!::swigs his beer::

~ Lee Mack

Invalidating a woman’s life choices by saying things like, “Oh, but you’ll regret it if you don’t have kids,” or, “I didn’t think I wanted kids either until I had one,” is like me going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and telling the newly sober that eventually when they grow old, they’ll want to take the edge off with a little gin and tonic and that if they could only just be mature enough to control themselves, they could go on a fun wine-tasting tour in the Napa Valley.

~ Jen Kirkman

We got there without being spotted. I pulled her in, then shut the door, pressing my back to it and exhaling like an epileptic pilot who'd just landed a cargo plane full of dynamite.

~ Brandon Sanderson

I had no idea that marriage was only supposed to be between two people who wanted to get between the sheets and make more people. What ever happened to marrying for love— or to get on your partner’s health insurance policy, or for presents? No one was going to buy two people in their thirties a four-slice toaster if we just continued to live in sin.

~ Jen Kirkman

DESDEMONA: I hope my noble lord esteems me honest.OTHELLO: Oh, ay, as summer flies are in the shambles,That quicken even with blowing. O thou weed,Who art so lovely fair and smell’st so sweetThat the sense aches at thee, would thou hadst ne'er been born!DESDEMONA: Alas, what ignorant sin have I committed?OTHELLO: Was this fair paper, this most goodly book,Made to write “whore” upon?

~ William Shakespeare

Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.

~ G.g. Silverman

Water!' cried Marie.'Vinegar!' recommended the bell-boy.'Eu-de-Cologne!' said Bill.'Pepper!' said Lord Tidmouth.Mary had another suggestion.'Give her air!'So had the bell-boy.'Slap her hands!'Lord Tidmouth went further.'Sit on her head!' he advised.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

I’m making a list of when it’s acceptable for a pirate to cry. […] So far I’ve got: one - when holding a seagull covered in oil. Two - when singing a shanty that reminds him of orphans. Three - when confronted with the unremitting loneliness of the human condition. Four - chops. I’ve just written the word ‘chops’. Not really sure where I was going with that one. Any ideas?

~ Gideon Defoe

You know, I'm really starting to hate the insect life around here. Next time, remind me to bring a can of Off!

~ Julie Kagawa

If you don't want me to attend the patient I'll go.''But she can't see a doctor now.''Why not?''She isn't well.

~ P.g. Wodehouse