Funny Quotes

Now me,” said Mr. Vandemar.“What number am I thinking of?” “I beg your pardon?” “What number am I thinking of?” repeated Mr. Vandemar. “It’s between one and a lot,” he added, helpfully.

~ Neil Gaiman

But you see, a rich country like America can perhaps afford to be stupid.

~ Barack Obama

Whole new theories of money were growing here like mushrooms: in the dark and based on bullshit.

~ Terry Pratchett

Neythen looked perplexed. 'My mum always said I'm named after a saint, not an illness.''Which one?''Well he had his head chopped off, see? And then he picked it up and carried it down the road a time. All the way back home, I think.''Messy,' Piers said. 'Not to mention unlikely, though one has to think of chickens and their post-mortal abilities. Did she think that you would inherit the same gift?'Neythen blinked. 'No, my lord.''Perhaps she was just hopeful. It behooves mothers to look ahead to this sort of possibility, after all. I'm tempted to behead you just to see if she was right.Sometimes the most unlikely superstitions turn out to have a basis in fact.

~ Eloisa James

I never lie. I believe everything I say, so it's not a lie.

~ Mark Wahlberg

Piers looked up at him. 'You're new. What's your name?' 'Neythen, my lord.''Sounds like a terrible illness. No, more like a bowel problem. I'm sorry, Lord Sandys, your son has contracted neythen and won't live a month. No, no, there's nothing I can do. Sandys would have preferred hearing that to syphilis.

~ Eloisa James

Most animals show themselves sparingly. The grizzly bear is six to eight hundred pounds of smugness. It has no need to hide. If it were a person, it would laugh loudly in quiet restaurants, boastfully wear the wrong clothes for special occasions, and probably play hockey.

~ Craig Childs

Is he following? Can you have a flaming gay moment or something and check?Why do I have to be the flaming gay one?

~ Finn Marlowe

Although initially only few in numbers, it seems my gray hairs have launched an effective peer-pressure campaign intended to convert the others.

~ Steve Maraboli

Inconvenience in progress, work is regretted.

~ Aravind Adiga

Sexton: I think the whole world's gone mad.Death: Uh-uh. It's always like this. You probably just don't get out enough.

~ Neil Gaiman

You'll see. I have a collection of fine waistcoats and a handsome face. He stepped back to let her take in the full effect of both and her smile spread to the edge of a laugh.

~ Meljean Brook

Tim and Raine are coming in.Are they insane?Apparently.

~ Susan Bischoff

This is no time for drinking a mug of water - which you would do nowhere else in the world. A mug of water! You just don't drink water from mugs, do ya? Except on the telly. Water out of a mug! Should be a hot drink... mug of water.

~ Russell Brand

Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!

~ Terry Pratchett

Are you wearing space pants? Miranda asked him.What?How did it end? oh, right. Because your butt is fine.He gazed at her in that way he had like he was measuring her for straitjacket. I think- he started, then stopped and seemed to be having trouble talking. Cleared his throat three times before saying, I think the line is 'because your butt is out of this world.Oh. That makes a lot more sense. I can see that. See, I read this book about how to get guys to like you and they said it was a line that never failed but i got interrupted in the middle and the line before it was about china-not the country, the kind you eat off of-and that is where the fine part was but i must have gotten them confused. He just kept staring at her.

~ Michele Jaffe

I would never say snog. I would say osculate.” She looks at me as if to say: why do you exist?

~ Joe Dunthorne

Count yourself fortunate. He made an elegant sweep of his hand toward the sun. Daylight does not make them turn to ash, but they become bloody damn infants, whinging on about irritated eyes and sluggish limbs and so forth.

~ Lynn Viehl

I used to have Santa and the whole coal thing, but between Wade and their father, the little shits get whatever they want. They no longer feel like they need the fat bastard!

~ Ethan Day

Are you coming back to campus or you sticking around here with the prick?

~ Holly Hood

Theatres are curious places, magician's trick-boxes where the golden memories of dramtic triumphs linger like nostalgic ghosts, and where the unexplainable, the fantastic, the tragic, the comic and the absurd are routine occurences on and off the stage. Murders, mayhem, politcal intrigue, lucrative business, secret assignations, and of course, dinner.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

(About sweeping)....What he was in FACT doing was moving the dirt around with a broom, to give it a change of scenery and a chance to make new friends.

~ Terry Pratchett

Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom.

~ Candice Bergen

Asia is an entertainment, Europe is a dream, America is an imprisonment and Rest is a nightmare.

~ Santosh Kalwar

I’m the sexiest of them all! - Carol

~ Matthew Leeth

It would be the last thing he did if he beat my dog.

~ Holly Hood

I feel like I’m going to die,’ he says.‘Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?’‘Only if you do it quietly.’‘I met this girl last night. I need your advice.’‘Come back later.’‘No. You might be dead.

~ Doug Macleod

Caroline's lips thinned, her face flushed. My husband, sir, has more secrets in his tiny, insignificant mind than the entire British War Department has had on file since its inception. She huffed with pure, disgusted outrage, lowering her gaze to the floor to murmur, I'll kill him.

~ Adele Ashworth

You're a big boy, No. You'll figure something out. Just make sure it includes the groveling. -AbbyIt come to all of us. Especially those of us foolish enough to fall in love with women who have minds of their own. If you will recall, your own sister had a few things she had to forgive me for before we could move on with our relationship. -RuleThere's a big difference between a little kidnapping and what he did. -AbbyYou did not call it a 'little' anything at the time, sweet. You were furious with me. Believe me, the groveling does do wonders. -Rule

~ Christine Warren

Don’t be hating on my peacock. It’s just not right. - Kye

~ Krista Alasti

It was a little difficult to take him seriously when he sang along to a song about a woman taking another woman's man.

~ Holly Hood

And you are going to close the gates, because I told you to close the gates.

~ Hilari Bell

I wish the Fallen would just come to us for a change.”Ironically, Fallen Angels dropped from the sky and surrounded us.“I wish I had a chocolate cake!” I exclaimed, staring up.No cake appeared, though I did get a few wry glances. Andrew’s body shook with silent laughter while Lucia gaveme raised eyebrows.“What? It worked for the Fallen Angels.

~ Laura Kreitzer

There were, however, a few exceptions.One was Norma Dodsworth, the poet, who had not unpleasantly drunk but had been sensible enough to pass out before any violent action proved necessary. He had been deposited, not very gently, on the lawn, where it was hoped that a hyena would give him a rude awakening. For all practical purposes he could, therefore, be regarded as absent.

~ Arthur C. Clarke

Look at your eyes. You've got bigger bags than Louis Vuitton.

~ Matt Dunn

101 Reasons Why its great to be a woman : We have three times the amount of potential sick leave. Take into account all those days you are unable to work owing to pre, during and post menstrual tension.

~ Summersdale Publishers

The moonlight caught the glint of his lip ring, which he was now fondling with the tip of his tongue as he stared down at me. It was a bit awkward.

~ Holly Hood

Nona needs a very dry martini.

~ Holly Hood

I thanked the lucky stars for my great metabolism, because Karsen had showed me pictures of her mom once and it was scary the transformation she underwent after popping three kids out. She went from a small, dainty beauty to a giant pineapple blob of a body.

~ Holly Hood

I’m sure all of that’s true. Especially the anal bit--Marshall’s always been an ass--but I don’t see how this is relevant, unless of course I’m mistaken, and you really are comparing me to a crumb that needs sweeping. - Shella

~ Krista Alasti