Humor Quotes

What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.

~ Rick Riordan

I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.

~ Peter Ustinov

I quote others only in order the better to express myself.

~ Michel De Montaigne

It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal.

~ Charlaine Harris

How did you become blind, uh, Jeff is it?Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.

~ James Patterson

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.

~ Groucho Marx

Grown ups are complicated creatures, full of quirks and secrets.

~ Roald Dahl

We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.

~ Terry Pratchett

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

~ Woody Allen

...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.

~ Terry Pratchett

Relax, having kids is years away. But can you imagine? Your brains, my charm, our collective good looks... then add in the usual physical abilities dhampirs get. It's really not even fair to everyone else.

~ Richelle Mead

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

~ Robin Mclaurin Williams

Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march.

~ J.k. Rowling

It's lovely. If only you could frost someone to death.Don't be so superior. You can never tell what you will find in the arena. Say it's a gigantic cake-

~ Suzanne Collins

You wanted to lick my face the first time you saw me? Is that usually what you do when you’re attracted to guys?” I shake my head. “Not your face, your dimple. And no. You’re the only guy I’ve ever had the urge to lick.” He smiles at me confidently. “Good. Because you’re the only girl I’ve ever had the urge to love.

~ Colleen Hoover

This is Leo. I'm the... What's my title? Am I like, admiral, or captain, or...Repair boy.Very funny, Piper.

~ Rick Riordan

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

~ Terry Pratchett

The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.

~ Harlan Ellison

Hermione launched herself forwards and started punching every inch of him that she could reach.'Ouch — ow — gerroff! What the — ? Hermione — OW!'“You — complete — arse — Ronald — Weasley!”She punctuated every word with a blow: Ron backed away, shielding his head as Hermione advanced.

~ J.k. Rowling

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

~ Kurt Cobain

I couldn't believe I'd come this far, lost Tyson, suffered through so much, only to fail - stopped by a big stupid monster in a baby-blue tuxedo kilt. Nobody was going to swat down my friends like that! I mean...nobody, not Nobody. Ah, you know what I mean.

~ Rick Riordan

I don't accept the currently fashionable assertion that any view is automatically as worthy of respect as any equal and opposite view. My view is that the moon is made of rock. If someone says to me 'Well, you haven't been there, have you? You haven't seen it for yourself, so my view that it is made of Norwegian Beaver Cheese is equally valid' - then I can't even be bothered to argue. There is such a thing as the burden of proof, and in the case of god, as in the case of the composition of the moon, this has shifted radically. God used to be the best explanation we'd got, and we've now got vastly better ones. God is no longer an explanation of anything, but has instead become something that would itself need an insurmountable amount of explaining. So I don't think that being convinced that there is no god is as irrational or arrogant a point of view as belief that there is. I don't think the matter calls for even-handedness at all.

~ Douglas Adams

I'm Draco Malfoy, I'm Draco, I'm on your side!Draco was on the upper landing, pleading with another masked Death Eater. Harry Stunned the Death Eater as they passed: Malfoy looked around, beaming, for his savior, and Ron punched him from under the cloak. Malfoy fell backward on top of the Death Eater, his mouth bleeding, utterly bemused.And that's the second time we've saved your life tonight, you two-faced bastard! Ron yelled.

~ J.k. Rowling

You sneaked into my cabin?”Annabeth rolled her eyes. “Percy, you’ll be seventeen in two months. You can’t seriously be worried about getting in trouble with Coach Hedge.”“Uh, have you seen his baseball bat?”“Besides, Seaweed Brain, I just thought we could take a walk. We haven’t had any time to be together alone. I want to show you something—my favorite place aboard the ship.”Percy’s pulse was still in overdrive, but it wasn’t from fear of getting in trouble. “Can I, you know, brush my teeth first?”“You'd better,” Annabeth said. “Because I’m not kissing you until you do. And brush your hair while you’re at it.

~ Rick Riordan

Erre es korakas, Blinky! Dionysus cursed. I will have your soul!

~ Rick Riordan

Mythologically speaking, if there's anything I hate worse than trios of old ladies, it's bulls. Last summer, I fought the Minotaur on top of Half-Blood Hill. This time what I saw up there was even worse: two bulls. And not just regular bulls - bronze ones the size of elephants. And even that wasn't bad enough. Naturally they had to breathe fire, too.

~ Rick Riordan

A great nose may be an indexOf a great soul

~ Edmond Rostand

Now, Max, I think we both know your parents aren't missionaries.I opened my eyes wide. No? Well, for God's sake, don't tell them. They'd be crushed. Thinking they're doing the Lord's work and all.

~ James Patterson

The biggest challenge after success is shutting up about it.

~ Criss Jami

As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.

~ Henry David Thoreau

Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We’re supposed to be exercising.

~ Meg Cabot

Think, think, think.

~ A.a. Milne

You're only a man! You've not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!

~ Georgette Heyer

In life you'll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it's because they're stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance... Always keep your dignity and be true to yourself.

~ Marjane Satrapi

Then you remember the dream,” Mencheres stated. “That bodes ill.” The fear of that made my reply snappy. “Hey, Walks Like An Egyptian, how about for once you drop the formal stuff and talk like you live in the twenty-first century?” The shit’s gonna splatter, start buggin’, yo,” Mencheres responded instantly. I stared at him, then burst out laughing, which was highly inappropriate considering the very grave warning he’d just conveyed.

~ Jeaniene Frost

Once I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

They're book addicts.

~ Lemony Snicket

I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.

~ Rudyard Kipling

Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane?

~ Terry Pratchett

Everybody going to be dead one day, just give them time.

~ Neil Gaiman