Humor Quotes

Being a detective isn't all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant...The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives.

~ Derek Landy

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.

~ Jon Stewart

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

~ Stephen Colbert

Aziraphale collected books. If he were totally honest with himself he would have to have admitted that his bookshop was simply somewhere to store them. He was not unusual in this. In order to maintain his cover as a typical second-hand book seller, he used every means short of actual physical violence to prevent customers from making a purchase. Unpleasant damp smells, glowering looks, erratic opening hours - he was incredibly good at it.

~ Terry Pratchett

I didn't know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose.

~ Veronica Roth

If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there.

~ Albert Camus

You can only be in a bad mood for so long before you have to face up to the fact that it isn't a bad mood at all, it's just your sucky personality.

~ Megan Mccafferty

Boys. I'd turn gay if they weren't so sexy.

~ Rachel Caine

Fine! I'll throw on some clothes. Turn around. I'm in my pj'sI'm a guy. That's like asking a kid not to glance at the candy counter.

~ Becca Fitzpatrick

There are never enough 'I love you's.

~ Lenny Bruce

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

~ Dorothy Parker

I look up to say something but he puts his finger to my lips and whispers, “Don’t talk. You’ll just spoil my fantasy of rescuing an innocent damsel in distress as soon as you open your mouth.

~ Susan Ee

A good night sleep, or a ten minute bawl, or a pint of chocolate ice cream, or all three together, is good medicine.

~ Ray Bradbury

If we're going to the Silent City, you might want to get dressed. I mean, I appreciate the bra-and-panties look, but I don't know if the Silent Brothers will. There are only a few of the left, and I don't want them to die of excitement.

~ Cassandra Clare

If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.

~ David Sedaris

Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.

~ Flannery O'connor

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.

~ Bill Watterson

I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons. - Greg Heffley

~ Jeff Kinney

It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

I'm going to talk to her.And how's that going to go? You're just going to walk up to her and say, 'Hey, I know you've never seen me before, but I'm your dad. Oh, and guess what? You've won the evolutionary lottery: You're a vampire. Let's go to Disneyland!

~ J.r. Ward

If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn't rub out even half the Fuck you signs in the world. It's impossible.

~ J.d. Salinger

So I hear we get to go to town this weekend. Want to catch a movie or something?--ZP.S. That is, if Jimmy doesn't mind.Translation: This weekend might be a good chance for us to see each other outside our school in a social environment, free of competetiton. I do not view other boys as threats, and I enjoy making them seem insignificant by calling them the wrong names. (Translation by Macey McHenry)

~ Ally Carter

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

~ Jon Stewart

I wasn't fooled. He was avoiding looking at me. There's nothing to talk about.I knew you'd say that. Actually, it was a toss-up between that and 'I don't know what you're talking about.'Dimitri sighed.

~ Richelle Mead

Run first,' Shane said. 'Mourn later.'It was the perfect motto for Morganville.

~ Rachel Caine

Is there any point asking what you're going to make me do on Sunday?''Not really.'Okay. 'Is there any point asking what you're going to do to me?'He grinned wickedly. 'Not really.'Fabulous. 'Does it involve the use of a safe word?''That will depend entirely on you.' Noah moved impossibly closer, just inches away. A few freckles disappeared into the scruff on his jaw. 'I'll be gentle,' Noah added. My breath caught in my throat as he looked at me from beneath those lashes, ruining me.I narrowed my eyes at him. 'You're evil.'In response, Noah smiled, and raised his finger to gently tap the tip of my nose. 'And you're mine,' he said, then walked away.

~ Michelle Hodkin

What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.

~ Douglas Adams

Sometimes, just saying that you hate something, and having someone agree with you, can make you feel better about a terrible situation.

~ Lemony Snicket

He f**ks even better than he looks”, I settled on saying. Several heads turned. I didn’t care; I was pissed. “And that beautiful face is going to be clamped between my legs as soon as we get home, don’t you worry.

~ Jeaniene Frost

Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.

~ Augusten Burroughs

We are not going to die. Butters stared up at me, pale, his eyes terrified. We're not? No. And do you know why? He shook his head. Because Thomas is too pretty to die. And because I'm too stubborn to die. I hauled on the shirt even harder. And most of all because tomorrow is Oktoberfest, Butters, and polka will never die.

~ Jim Butcher

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

~ Jon Stewart

It’s sarcasm, Josh.”“Sarcasm?”“It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.”“Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.”“There you go, you got it.”“Got what?”“Sarcasm.”“No, I meant it.”“Sure you did.”“Is that sarcasm?”“Irony, I think.”“What’s the difference?”“I haven’t the slightest idea.”“So you’re being ironic now, right?”“No, I really don’t know.”“Maybe you should ask the idiot.”“Now you’ve got it.”“What?”“Sarcasm.

~ Christopher Moore

I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.

~ Bill Watterson

Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating.

~ Greg Behrendt

He’s not feeling well,” Clary said, catching at Simon’s wrist. “We’re going.” “No,” Simon said. “No, I — I need to talk to him. To the Inquisitor. Robert reached into his jacket and drew out a crucifix. Clary stared in shock as he held it up between himself and Simon. “I speak to the Night’s Children Council representative, or to the head of the New York clan,” he said. “Not to any vampire who comes to knock at my door —“ Simon reached out and plucked the cross out of Robert’s hand. “Wrong religion,” he said.

~ Cassandra Clare

Leo couldn't help smiling. That could be fun.Fun she said unhappily.Blue elephants.Blue elephants.Kiss me you fool.You fool.

~ Rick Riordan

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

~ George Carlin

I'm right and you're wrong, I'm big and you're small, and there's nothing you can do about it.

~ Roald Dahl

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

~ Carl Sagan