Humor Quotes

These books can't possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time. Faukman's eyes went wide. Don't tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail.I was referring to the Bible.Faukman cringed. I knew that.

~ Dan Brown

Your brain is doing some great work when it's laughing.

~ Jon Scieszka

Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3 -- two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)

~ Ally Carter

Have you ever had a girlfriend, Kenji? me?

~ Tahereh Mafi

No one in the world gets what they want and that is beautiful.

~ Ernest Cline

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

~ Arthur Schopenhauer

A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.

~ A.a. Milne

Hello, Minister! bellowed Percy, sending a neat jinx straight at Thicknesse, who dropped his wand and clawed at the front of his robes, apparently in awful discomfort. Did I mention I'm resigning?

~ J.k. Rowling

An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.

~ Stephen Fry

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

~ George Bernard Shaw

Ah, pay no heed if your enemies laugh. They'll not be able to once you lop off their heads.

~ Christopher Paolini

Name the different kinds of people,’ said Miss Lupescu. ‘Now.’Bod thought for a moment. ‘The living,’ he said. ‘Er. The dead.’ He stopped. Then, ‘... Cats?’ he offered, uncertainly.

~ Neil Gaiman

Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial-arts monastery in China and studied real hard for ten years. If my family was wiped out by Colombian drug dealers and I swore myself to revenge. If I got a fatal disease, had one year to live, and devoted it to wiping out street crime. If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad.

~ Neal Stephenson

There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, 'Do trousers matter?'The mood will pass, sir.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

~ George Bernard Shaw

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

~ Dorothy Parker

25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying 'Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?'26 And the Angel said, 'I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.'27 And the Lord did not ask him again.

~ Neil Gaiman

Any fool can make a ruleAnd any fool will mind it.

~ Henry David Thoreau

Just give me a second. Attempting to give a fuck...Attempting harder to give a fuck...Sorry, there was an error; fuck not given.

~ Suzanne Wright

Leaving us with Eric is like hiring a babysitter who spends his time sharpening knives.

~ Veronica Roth

Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin. Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

~ Bill Watterson

Gym should be illegal. It's humiliating.

~ Laurie Halse Anderson

Bad news, Harry. I've just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She – er, got a bit shirty with me. Told me I'd got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more about winning the Cup than I do about staying alive. Just because I told her I didn't care if it threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch first.

~ J.k. Rowling

I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything.

~ Geoff Johns

I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

Perhaps I can stay by the fire and mend your socks and scream if I hear any strange noises.

~ Kristin Cashore

The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.

~ Neil Gaiman

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.

~ George Carlin

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.

~ Douglas Adams

You're Hell's Angels, then? What chapter are you from?''REVELATIONS. CHAPTER SIX.

~ Neil Gaiman

This book was written using 100% recycled words.

~ Terry Pratchett

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

~ George Carlin

That was the funniest thing I'd heard in days.You're kidding, right? PLEASE tell me you have a stronger motive for me than 'fair is fair.' Life isn't FAIR, Dean....Nothing is fair, EVER. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I need to help you because FAIR IS FAIR? Try, 'I need you to help me so I won't rip out your spine and beat you with it.' I MIGHT respond to that. MAYBE.

~ James Patterson

Someday I must read this scholar Everyone. He seems to have written so much--all of it wrong.

~ Tamora Pierce

The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.

~ Terry Pratchett

Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

I’ll make Goyle do lines, it’ll kill him, he hates writing,” said Ron happily. He lowered his voice to Goyle’s low grunt and, screwing up his face in a look of pained concentration, mimed writing in midair. “I... must... not... look... like... a... baboon’s... backside.

~ J.k. Rowling

I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.

~ Dorothy Parker

Ooh, you look much tastier than Crabbe and Goyle, Harry said Hermione, before catching sight of Ron's raised eyebrows, blushing slightly and saying oh you know what I mean - Goyle's Potion looked like bogies.

~ J.k. Rowling

We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.' --Skulduggery Pleasant

~ Derek Landy