Humor Quotes

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

~ Groucho Marx

Don't wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.Chocolate isn't like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.And it always feels good.

~ Lora Brody

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

~ George Carlin

Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all.

~ Jane Austen

I can't go on, I'll go on.

~ Samuel Beckett

I’ve met plenty of embarrassing parents, but Kronos, the evil Titan Lord who wanted to destroy Western Civilization? Not the kind of dad you invited toschool for Career Day.

~ Rick Riordan

Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.

~ Steve Martin

Meaning what? We're going to pretend nothing's going on? That's stupid. The only way to deal with any of this is to get it out in the open.Have you been watching Oprah again?

~ James Patterson

If I ever meet myself,' said Zaphod, 'I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me.

~ Douglas Adams

Q: You'er presented with a smooth-faced, eight-foot-high wooden wall. Your objective? Get over it. To, like, save comrades or something. How to accomplish this?A: Take a running start, brace one foot against the wall, throw one hand to the top, try to hang on long enough for a comrade to either grab your hand at the top or for another comrade to push your butt up from below. It takes team work! over it.

~ James Patterson

We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.

~ David Mamet

The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter... or at least, most minds are...

~ J.k. Rowling

Take bread away from me, if you wish,take air away, butdo not take from me your laughter.Do not take away the rose,the lance flower that you pluck,the water that suddenlybursts forth in joy,the sudden waveof silver born in you.My struggle is harsh and I come backwith eyes tiredat times from having seenthe unchanging earth,but when your laughter entersit rises to the sky seeking meand it opens for me allthe doors of life.My love, in the darkesthour your laughteropens, and if suddenlyyou see my blood stainingthe stones of the street,laugh, because your laughterwill be for my handslike a fresh sword.Next to the sea in the autumn,your laughter must raiseits foamy cascade,and in the spring, love,I want your laughter likethe flower I was waiting for,the blue flower, the roseof my echoing country.Laugh at the night,at the day, at the moon,laugh at the twistedstreets of the island,laugh at this clumsyfool who loves you,but when I openmy eyes and close them,when my steps go,when my steps return,deny me bread, air,light, spring,but never your laughter.

~ Pablo Neruda

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.

~ Criss Jami

Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES FAG, which, aside from being a grammatical nightmare, is absolutely ridiculous. So I'm changing it to 'God Hates Baguettes.' It's tough to disagree with that. Everybody hates baguettes.

~ John Green

Interviewer: 'So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?'Frank Zappa: 'You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?

~ Frank Zappa

I can't give you the white picket fence, and if I did, you'd set it on fire.

~ Ilona Andrews

I have been stabbed, shot, burned, bitten, beaten unconscious too many times to count, and even staked. None of those held a candle to the pain I felt at seeing his mouth on hers.

~ Jeaniene Frost

As my father always used to tell me, 'You see, son, there's always someone in the world worse off than you.' And I always used to think, 'So?

~ Bill Bryson

I don't put up with being messed around, and I don't suffer fools gladly. The short version of that is that I'm a bitch. Trust me, I can provide character references.

~ Robin Mckinley

He who hesitates is a damned fool.

~ Mae West

People can do great things. However, there are some things they just CAN'T do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Popsicle, despite years of effort.

~ Brandon Sanderson

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.

~ Dave Barry

A fire broke out backstage in a theatre. The clown came out to warn the public, they thought it was a joke and applauded. He repeated it, the acclaim was even greater. I think that's just how the world will come to an end: to general applause from wits who believe it's a joke.

~ Søren Kierkegaard

There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says Morning, boys. How's the water? And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes What the hell is water?

~ David Foster Wallace

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.

~ George Carlin

Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

~ Steve Martin

The only French word I know is oui, which means “yes,” and only recently did I learn it’s spelled o-​u-​i and not w-​e-​e.

~ Stephanie Perkins

Ah,” said Magnus. “Nerd love. It is a beautiful thing, while also being an object of mockery and hilarity for those of us who are more sophisticated.

~ Cassandra Clare

And, whoa! He turned to Mr.D. Your the wine dude? No way!Mr.D turned hi eyes away from me and gave Nico a look of loathing. The wine dude?Dionysus, right? Oh, wow! I've got your figurine!My figurine.In my game, Mythomagic. And holofoil card, too! And even though you've only got like five hundred attack points and everybody thinks your the lamest god card, I totally think your powers are sweet!Ah. Mr.D seemed truly perplexed, which probably saved my life. Well, that's...gratifying.

~ Rick Riordan

There aren't any syringes. Red Sox came over and held a sterile pack out. When she tried to take it from him, he kept a grip on the thing. I know you'll use this wisely.Wisely? She snapped the syringe out of his hand. No, I'm going to poke him in the eye with it. Because that's what they trained me to do in medical school.

~ J.r. Ward

Life is like a box of chocolates.

~ Winston Groom

The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five.

~ Carl Sagan

Z: You know, this was a hell of a lot easier when you were out cold in the back of that truck.Phury: That was you?Z:You think it was Santa Claus or some shit?

~ J.r. Ward

Definition of rock journalism: People who can't write, doing interviews with people who can't think, in order to prepare articles for people who can't read.

~ Frank Zappa

We have now left Reason and Sanity Junction. Next stop, Looneyville.

~ Jim Butcher

What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?

~ Jess C. Scott

People talk too much. Humans aren't descended from monkeys. They come from parrots.

~ Carlos Ruiz Zafón

Piece of Heaven? No, that other place I'm going to go to for thinking what I'm thinking.

~ Richelle Mead