Humor Quotes

I think it's kinda nice.' And I did. my mom isn't famous for her pies. No, she's famous for defusing a nuclear device in Brussels with only a pair of cuticle scissors and a ponytail holder. Somehow, at the moment, pies seemed cooler.

~ Ally Carter

There will be no yelling at people who are bleeding themselves to unconsciousness.

~ Kristin Cashore

I was a little excited but mostly blorft. Blorft is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.

~ Tina Fey

His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,His hair is as dark as a blackboard.I wish he was mine, he's really divine,The hero who conquered the Dark Lord.

~ J.k. Rowling

Don't forget to give Neville our love!' Ginny told James as she hugged him.!' Neville-'James rolled his eyes.....

~ J.k. Rowling

TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.

~ Douglas Coupland

You're the queen, and it's the queen's house, and whatever Brigan may accomplish, he's highly unlikely ever to be queen.

~ Kristin Cashore

To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.

~ Douglas Adams

Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.No!If you save somebody's life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I'm all yers.

~ Moira Young

Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?

~ Bill Watterson

I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

~ Louis-Ferdinand Céline

He'd changed since the last summer. Instead of Bermuda shorts and a T-shirt, he wore a button-down shirt, khaki pants, and leather loafers. His sandy hair, which used to be so unruly, was now clipped short. He look like an evil male model, showing off what the fashionable college-age villain was wearing to Harvard this year.

~ Rick Riordan

Well, that's an evil smile...

~ James Patterson

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.

~ Winston S. Churchill

Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something

~ Lemony Snicket

No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world.

~ Eoin Colfer

You fuck - you ate my cat!

~ Kendare Blake

Accidental sex. He made it sound like I fell down, and there just happened to be an erection in the way.

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

I knew I could do it all this time,” said Harry, “Because I'd already done it... does that make sense?

~ J.k. Rowling

My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names.”I pointed to my right breast. “This is Danger.” Then my left. “And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly.” After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.

~ Darynda Jones

I am a wizard, not a baboon brandishing a stick.

~ J.k. Rowling

I try to avoid having thoughts. They lead to other thoughts, and—if you’re not careful—those lead to actions. Actions make you tired. I have this on rather good authority from someone who once read it in a book.

~ Brandon Sanderson

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

~ Lily Tomlin

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

~ Woody Allen

Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome.

~ John Green

Just remember, when you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

~ Charles M. Schulz

Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder

~ Eoin Colfer

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

~ Colleen Hoover

Am I about to discover where you, Ron, and Hermione disappeared to while you were supposed to be in the back room of Fred and George's shop?''How did you...?''Harry, please. You're talking to the man who raised Fred and George.

~ J.k. Rowling

Sex had been amazing, but it wasn't a magical cure for everything. Damn. Somewhere along the way, I'd picked up common sense.

~ Richelle Mead

Any game plan? Xypher asked Sin.Don't die.I like it. Simple, bold. Impossible. Works for me.Kat scoffed at his sarcasm. What are you bitching about, Xypher? You're already dead.He laughed. You know, for once, it's good to be me.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

That's brain tissue. How can you-? Claire shut her mouth, fast. Never mind. I don't think I wanna know.Truly, I think that's best. Please take it. He showed his teeth briefly in a very unsettling grin. I'm giving you a piece of my mind.I so wish you hadn't said that.

~ Rachel Caine

When we come face-to-face with one down a dark alley, we're going to be having a shufti to see if it's solid, aren't we, we're not going to be asking, 'Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul?

~ J.k. Rowling

If I shot an arrow and thought about an ass, would it surprise you if it hit Erik?

~ P.c. Cast

It's a reflex. Hear a bell, get food. See an undead, throw a knife. Same thing, really.

~ Ilona Andrews

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

~ George Carlin

To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.

~ Leonard Bernstein

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

~ Ronald Reagan

Those unable to catalog the past are doomed to repeat it.

~ Lemony Snicket

A girl’s got to use what she’s given and I’m not going to make a guy drool the way a Britney video does. So I take it to extremes. I don’t say I dress sexily on stage - what I do is so extreme. It’s meant to make guys think: ‘I don’t know if this is sexy or just weird.

~ Lady Gaga