Humor Quotes

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

~ George Burns

Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to.

~ George Saunders

Are you insinuatin' that my daughter is a liar?Oh, no, not at all. I'm saying your daughter is a liar. Surely you can appreciate the difference.

~ Kami Garcia

You know on TV when there’s one of those awkward, shocking moments and all you hear are the crickets in the background?Well chirp fucking chirp...this is one of those moments.

~ Emma Chase

There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon.

~ Christopher Moore

Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything.

~ Chuck Klosterman

In theory it was, around now, Literature. Susan hated Literature. She'd much prefer to read a good book.

~ Terry Pratchett

I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I'm definitely not religious, and I'm very tired of the preachiness and obsession with other people's behavior characteristic of many religious people in the United States. As far as I could tell, there's nothing preachy about Buddhism. I was in a lot of temples, and I still don't know what Buddhists believe, except that at one point Kunio said 'If you do bad things, you will be reborn as an ox.'This makes as much sense to me as anything I ever heard from, for example, the Reverend Pat Robertson.

~ Dave Barry

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

~ Steve Martin

You look too pretty to be useful. Truer words were never spoken.

~ Richelle Mead

Terrific. A bisexual dominant vampire with kidnapping expertise.

~ J.r. Ward

That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.

~ Bill Watterson

One of the greatest myths in the world - & the phrase 'greatest myths' is just a fancy way of saying 'big fat lies' -- is that troublesome things get less & less troublesome if you do them more & more. People say this myth when they are teaching children to ride bicycles, for instance, as though falling off a bicycle & skinning your knee is less troublesome the fourteenth time you do it than it is the first time. The truth is that troublesome things tend to remain troublesome no matter how many times you do them, & that you should avoid doing them unless they are absolutely urgent.

~ Lemony Snicket

Whereas story is processed in the mind in a straightforward manner, poetry bypasses rational thought and goes straight to the limbic system and lights it up like a brushfire. It's the crack cocaine of the literary world.

~ Jasper Fforde

You'd be surprised how many people in the modern age no longer fear zombies as much as teletubies.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.

~ Philip K. Dick

Death, taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them.

~ Margaret Mitchell

A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.

~ Lisa Kleypas

Dude, I don’t want to talk about Lacey’s prom shoes. And I’ll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It’s called a penis.

~ John Green

Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.

~ Terry Pratchett

As with most of life's problems, this one can be solved by a box of pure radiation.

~ Andy Weir

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

~ Woody Allen

Oh, look at that, he's heard of me. My fame grows.

~ Julie Kagawa

Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.

~ Charles M. Schulz

Thinking is hard work, which is why you don't see many people doing it.

~ Sue Grafton

If you're trapped in the dream of the Other, you're fucked.

~ Gilles Deleuze

Whoa. Fangs. She had fangs.She leaned in, prodded them a little. Eating with those puppies was going to take some getting used to, she thought.On impulse, she brought up her hands, turned her fingers into claws. Hissed.Cool.

~ J.r. Ward

Kronos would be 10 times more powerful. His very presence would incinerate you. And once he achieves this he will empower the other Titans. They are weak, compared to what they soon will become, unless you can stop them, the world will fall, the gods will die, and I will never achieve a perfect score on this stupid machine.

~ Rick Riordan

I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.

~ George Bernard Shaw

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

~ Calvin Trillin

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

~ Woody Allen

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.

~ Bill Watterson

My reading list grows exponentially. Every time I read a book, it'll mention three other books I feel I have to read. It's like a particularly relentless series of pop-up ads.

~ A.j. Jacobs

And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle— Flint alongside her —poke him in the eye, Angelina —it was a joke, professor, it was a joke...

~ J.k. Rowling

I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.

~ Bill Watterson

When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.

~ Criss Jami

I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, My God! I love everything. Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?

~ Bill Hicks

I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

We're going to knock those demons out and slay them with the power of Jesus. Hallelujah, can I get an amen?- Timmie

~ Jeaniene Frost

Who are you? he asked.I am the future queen of this world, at the very least. You may refer to me as Mistress Koboi for the next five minutes. After that you may refer to me as Aaaaarrrrgh, hold your throat, die screaming, and so on.

~ Eoin Colfer