Humor Quotes

Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.

~ Lemony Snicket

Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two!

~ David Sedaris

Did you see me disarm Hermione, Harry?Only once said Hermione stung. I got you loads more then you got me—I did not only get you once, I got you at least three times—Well if you're counting the one where you tripped over your own feet and knocked the wand out of my hand—

~ J.k. Rowling

Yes Yeswhen God created love he didn't help most when God created dogs He didn't help dogs when God created plants that was average when God created hate we had a standard utility when God created me He created me when God created the monkey He was asleep when He created the giraffe He was drunk when He created narcotics He was high and when He created suicide He was low when He created you lying in bed He knew what He was doing He was drunk and He was high and He created the mountains and the sea and fire at the same time He made some mistakes but when He created you lying in bed He came all over His Blessed Universe.

~ Charles Bukowski

Are you any good at it?Pulling idiots out of the snow? I'm the best.

~ Cynthia Hand

This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.

~ Ben Elton

Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly;In my own way, and with my full consent.Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarelyWent to their deaths more proud than this one went.Some nights of apprehension and hot weepingI will confess; but that's permitted me;Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keepingRubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.If I had loved you less or played you slylyI might have held you for a summer more,But at the cost of words I value highly,And no such summer as the one before.Should I outlive this anguish, and men do,I shall have only good to say of you.

~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

~ Douglas Adams

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

~ Steven Wright

But this room looked like it had been decorated by the unholy lovechild of Barbie and Strawberry Shortcake.

~ Rachel Hawkins

My dad used to say that life's a journey, but somebody screwed up and lost the map.

~ Rachel Caine

If you need help bark like a dog. - Gendry. That's stupid. If I need help I'll shout help. - Arya

~ George R.r. Martin

I liked you, cop. From the moment I met you. No… not the first moment. I wanted to kill you when I first met you. But then I liked you. A lot.

~ J.r. Ward

You can laugh! But people used to believe there were no such things as the Blibbering Humdinger or the Crumple-Horned Snorkack!

~ J.k. Rowling

There’s a fine line between support and stalking and let’s all stay on the right side of that.

~ Joss Whedon

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

~ Steven Wright

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.

~ Bill Hicks

Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city's reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

Colin decided then and there that the female mind was a strange and incomprehensible organ - one which no man should even attempt to understand. There wasn't a woman alive who could go from point A to B without stopping at C, D, X, and 12 along the way.

~ Julia Quinn

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

~ Ellen Degeneres

Well you seemed too busy to call him a prat and I thought someone should.

~ J.k. Rowling

God knows I had not wanted to fall in love with her. I had not wanted to fall in love with any one. But God knows I had and I lay on the bed in the room of the hospital in Milan and all sorts of things went through my head but I felt wonderful...

~ Ernest Hemingway

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.

~ Mark Twain

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup.

~ H.l. Mencken

In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.

~ Hermann Hesse

You've got no sense of humor.I'm going to laugh really hard after I kick your ass.

~ J.d. Robb

The world isn't fair, Calvin.I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?

~ Bill Watterson

Harry and Hermione are very platonic friends. But I won't answer for anyone else, nudge-nudge wink-wink!

~ J.k. Rowling

You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.

~ Scott Adams

molesting the vampire while he's too weak to fight back, iz? jace asked. i'm pretty sure that violates at least one of the accords.

~ Cassandra Clare

One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious.

~ Douglas Adams

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.

~ Ashleigh Brilliant

I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

~ Bill Watterson

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

~ George Carlin

Max, if you survive your final test, can you steal me one of those magic outfits for me? I'll try to get one for each of us. Hey! 'If'?

~ James Patterson

We fatties have a bond, dude. It's like a secret society. We got all kinds of shit you don't know about. Handshakes, special fat people dances-we got these secret fugging lairs in the center of the earth and we go down there in the middle of the night when all the skinny kids are sleeping and eat cake and friend chicken and shit. Why d'you think Hollis is still sleeping, kafir? Because we were up all night in the secret lair injecting butter frosting into our veins. ...A fatty trusts another fatty.

~ John Green

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

~ Mel Brooks

-BDB on the board-Knitter's AnonimousMay 8, 2006Rhage (in his bedroom posting in V's room on the board)Hi, my name is V.(Hi, V)I've been knitting for 125 years now.(*gasping noises*)It's begun to impact my personal relationships: my brothers think I'm a nancy. It's begun to affect my health: I'm getting a callus on my forefinger and I find bits of yarn in all my pockets and I'm starting to smell like wool. I can't concentrate at work: I keep picturing all these lessers in Irish sweaters and thick socks.(*sounds of sympathy*)I've come seeking a community of people who, like me, are trying not to knit. Can you help me?(*We're with you*)Thank you (*takes out hand-knitted hankie in pink*)(*sniffles*)(We embrace you, V)Vishous (in the pit): Oh hell no...you did not just put that up. And nice spelling in the title. Man...you just have to roll up on me, don't you. I got four words for you, my brother.Rhage: Four words? Okay...lemme see... Rhage, you're so sexy.hmmm....Rhage, you're SO smart. No wait! Rhage, you're SO right! That's it, isn't it...g'head. You can tell me. Vishous: First one starts with a PUse your head for the other three. Bastard.Rhage: P? Hmm... Please pass the yarnVishous: Payback is a bitch!Rhage: OhhhhhhhhhhhhI'm so scuuuuuurred. Can you whip me up a blanket to hide under?

~ J.r. Ward

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

~ Groucho Marx

I'm the warlock who's here to cure you. Didn't they tell you I was coming?

~ Cassandra Clare