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Humor Quotes

Humor quote from classy quote

I am Dead, but it's not so bad. I've learned to live with it.

~ Isaac Marion

Isaac Marion Acceptance Humor Paradox

I don't like lollipops.

~ Eoin Colfer

Eoin Colfer Artemis Fowl Jr Humor

Are you a female dog?What? Massie asked. Why?

~ Lisi Harrison

Lisi Harrison Bitch Clique Comebacks Dog Female Fun Funkalicous Funny Harrison Humor Lisi Massie

In the name of the Pizza Lord. Charge!

~ Jim Butcher

Jim Butcher Harry Dresden Humor Motivation

Graffiti is one of the few tools you have if you have almost nothing. And even if you don't come up with a picture to cure world poverty you can make someone smile while they're having a piss.

~ Banksy

Banksy Art Creativity Graffiti Humor Voice

I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing... maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry.

~ J.k. Rowling

J.k. Rowling George Hp4 Humor Weasley

I planted a kamikaze kiss on Jamie’s cheek.“FUCK,” he shouted, wiping it off. “What if you killed me!” He threw a Skittle at my face. It hit my forehead.“Ow!”“Taste the rainbow bitch.

~ Michelle Hodkin

Michelle Hodkin Funny Humor Jamie Roth Mara Dyer The Retribution Of Mara Dyer

If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion, and avoid the people, you might better stay home.

~ James A. Michener

James A. Michener Humor Travel

Nice dress. Take it off.

~ Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Humor Morelli Romance

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.

~ Mark Twain

Mark Twain Creation Evolution Humor Mankind

If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you.

~ Jesse Andrews

Jesse Andrews Humor

Your stepfather? I'd like to meet him.Oh no... why?I'm not sure that's a good idea.Christian unlocks the door, his mouth in a grim line.Are you ashamed of me?No! It's my turn to sound exasperated. Introduce you to my dad as what? 'This is the man who deflowered me and wants to start a BDSM relationship'. You're not wearing running shoes.

~ E.l. James

E.l. James Fifty Shades Of Grey Humor

Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.

~ Mae West

Mae West Humor Marriage

Adventures are never fun while you're having them.

~ C.s. Lewis

C.s. Lewis Humor

Foaly: Anyone see you come in here? Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB. Foaly: The EIB? Holly: (smirking) Everyone in the building.

~ Eoin Colfer

Eoin Colfer Humor

I want to do it too! (sitting motionless)Nudge: Nope, you stand out like a fart in a church.Max: (muttering) Appropriately enough.Iggy: What about me? (stands still)Max: No, you're visible.Iggy: Am not!Max: (throws a pinecone at him) Could I do that if I wouldn't see you?

~ James Patterson

James Patterson Fang Gazzy Humor Iggy Invisibility Max Maxride Nudge

You have something on your neck. What Looks like a bite mark, what were you doing out all night, anyway? Nothing. I went walking in the park. Tried to clear my head. And ran into a vampire What? No! I fell. On your neck?

~ Cassandra Clare

Cassandra Clare Cassandra Clare City Of Ashes City Of Bones City Of Glass Humor

I'm not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare who says that it's always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead piping.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

P.g. Wodehouse Fate Humor Pessimism

You leave me tied up like a dog? Then you had better remember that this bitch bites!

~ Kresley Cole

Kresley Cole Humor

I still don't belong to anyone - I am mine.

~ Morrissey

Morrissey Humor Lyrics Music

[In the Universe it may be that] Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare. Some would say it has yet to occur on Earth.

~ Stephen Hawking

Stephen Hawking Humor Science Stupidity

I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.

~ Douglas Adams

Douglas Adams Humor

The train is roaring toward you and the villain is twirling his moustache and you're fussing that he's tied you to the tracks with the wrong kind of rope.

~ Robin Mckinley

Robin Mckinley Humor Vampire Villians

When someone tells you somebody’s been murdered, laughing is probably not the best response. You know, for future reference.But laughing is exactly what I did.

~ Rachel Hawkins

Rachel Hawkins Humor

I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible.

~ Jane Austen

Jane Austen Convoluted Speech Expression Humor Intelligibility Sarcasm

For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it’s funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I’d squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I’m now told that this is not called “going to sleep” but rather “passing out,” a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Alcohol Drinking Humor

Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far.

~ Jodi Picoult

Jodi Picoult Anxiety Humor Simile

I might have known,” said Eeyore. “After all, one can’t complain. I have my friends. Somebody spoke to me only yesterday. And was it last week or the week before that Rabbit bumped into me and said ‘Bother!’. The Social Round. Always something going on.

~ A.a. Milne

A.a. Milne Eeyore Friends Humor Pooh Winnie The Pooh

why can't you see i'm a kid', said the kid.Why try to make me like you?Why are you hurt when I don't cuddle?Why do you sigh when I splash through a puddle?Why do you scream when I do what I did?Im a kid.

~ Shel Silverstein

Shel Silverstein Humor Poetry

Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me.No hope, no harm; just another false alarm

~ Morrissey

Morrissey Humor Lyrics Music

When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first, that way in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side.

~ Nora Ephron

Nora Ephron Book Dark Side Die End Finish First Humor Know Last Page Read

Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?' 'To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time.' 'The dog did nothing in the night-time.''That was the curious incident,' remarked Sherlock Holmes.

~ Arthur Conan Doyle

Arthur Conan Doyle Blaze Curious Dog Humor Incident Mystery Sherlock Holmes Silver

As it turned out, everyone wanted a doughnut. Jace wanted two.

~ Cassandra Clare

Cassandra Clare Donut Doughnut Gluttony Humor Jace Wayland

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

~ Steve Martin

Steve Martin Comedy Encouragement Humor Steve Martin

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

~ Dave Barry

Dave Barry Babies Humor Men Pregnancy

You're Valentine's son. I'm sure you're the one the Queen really wants to see. Besides, you're charming. Maybe not at the moment.

~ Cassandra Clare

Cassandra Clare Humor

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

~ Dave Barry

Dave Barry Humor

Speak in French when you can’t think of the English for a thing--turn your toes out when you walk---And remember who you are!

~ Lewis Carroll

Lewis Carroll Alice Alice In Wonderland French Humor Lewis Carroll Remember

I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.

~ Darynda Jones

Darynda Jones Humor Ninja

I died. I died and someone made a clerical error and I am in Heaven.

~ Jim Butcher

Jim Butcher Harry Dresden Humor
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