Humor Quotes

V shook his head. “Remember what you saw in that clearing, cop? How’d you like that anywhere near a female you loved?”Butch put down the Bud without drinking from it. His eyes traveled over Rhage’s body.“We’re going to need a shitload of steel,” the human muttered.

~ J.r. Ward

Some things are fairly obvious when it's a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them

~ Terry Pratchett

Don't you think 'Mark is kind of a weird name for a Shadowhunter? Julian was saying as Emma approached. I mean, if you really think about it. It's confusing. 'Put a Mark on me, Mark.

~ Cassandra Clare

Claim whatever you want. Say you only want a happy family or a successful career or a big house. I say: no, that's not what you want. You'll settle for those things, but you really want a monkey that does your evil bidding. Pullman is a genius just for this.

~ Maureen Johnson

I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.

~ Charles M. Schulz

Is it time for your period, or something? He turned around, all controlled aggression, and damned if he didn't push the button again. What is it about having a period that makes women so bitchy? By the time the sentence ended the sweetness was long gone, my jaw was clenched, and I think my eyes were bugging out. Wyatt took a step back, belatedly looking alarmed.

~ Linda Howard

He couldn’t see why people made such a fuss about people eating their silly old fruit anyway, but life would be a lot less fun if they didn’t. And there was never an apple, in Adam’s opinion, that wasn’t worth the trouble you got into for eating it.

~ Neil Gaiman

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

~ Stephen Colbert

I have dozens of loyal fans! Baker's dozens! …they come in thirteens.

~ Felicia Day

An alcoholic is someone you don't like, who drinks as much as you do.

~ Dylan Thomas

The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life.

~ Oscar Wilde

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

~ Groucho Marx

If she can't spell, why is she a librarian? Librarians should know how to spell.

~ Beverly Cleary

I'm a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating.-Ella Varner

~ Lisa Kleypas

She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.

~ Christopher Moore

Someday is not a day of the week.

~ Janet Dailey

I can't abide people who go soft over animals and then cheat every human they come across!

~ Diana Wynne Jones

A friend is someone who knows where all your bodies are buried. Because they're the ones who helped you put them there.And sometimes, if you're really lucky, they help you dig them back up.

~ Jenny Lawson

Why do people always expect authors to answer questions? I am an author because I want to ask questions. If I had answers, I'd be a politician.

~ Eugène Ionesco

Once, when a religionist denounced me in unmeasured terms, I sent him a card saying, I am sure you believe that I will go to hell when I die, and that once there I will suffer all the pains and tortures the sadistic ingenuity of your deity can devise and that this torture will continue forever. Isn't that enough for you? Do you have to call me bad names in addition?

~ Isaac Asimov

A tiger only needs three things to be comfortable. Lots of food, sleep, and…actually, no it’s just those two things.

~ Colleen Houck

Let me ask you a question Alex. What do you think is the greatest evil on this plant today?Is that including, or not including you?

~ Anthony Horowitz

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

~ Terry Pratchett

She shrugs.MenMen.If we can send one man to the moon, why can't we send them all there?

~ Cynthia Hand

Tacos.Tacos? I echoed.This seemed to amuse him. Tomatoes, lettuce, cheese.I know what a taco is!

~ Becca Fitzpatrick

You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders. Yeah! Every time somebody get shut we’d say, ‘Damn, he must have done something ... Shit, he’s got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass.’And people would think before they killed somebody if a bullet cost five thousand dollars. ‘Man I would blow your fucking head off…if I could afford it.’ ‘I’m gonna get me another job, I’m going to start saving some money, and you’re a dead man. You’d better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway.’So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you wouldn't have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back, like I believe you got my property.

~ Chris Rock

Don't bite off more than you can chew because nobody looks attractive spitting it back out.

~ Carroll Bryant

I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?

~ Douglas Adams

I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.

~ Bill Watterson

Rules and school are tools for fools! I don't give two mules for rules.

~ Trenton Lee Stewart

Mike nodded. A sombre nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody had met him in 1812 and said, So, you're back from Moscow, eh?

~ P.g. Wodehouse

I love you above all things, even pie.

~ Christopher Moore

Regardless of what I think about Islam or Wicca or any other religion, the fact is that it's a group of people. Every faith has its ceremonies. And since it's made up of people, every faith also has its assholes.

~ Jim Butcher

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

~ Alex Levine

If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want.

~ Oscar Wilde

My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me.

~ Diana Wynne Jones

Why do all your brilliant ideas involve felonies?

~ Kathy Reichs

When things are at their blackest, I say to myself, 'Cheer up, things could be worse.' And sure enough, they get worse.

~ Robert Lynn Asprin

Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat.

~ Bill Watterson

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

~ George Bernard Shaw