Humor Quotes

Unless you stop him. Perhaps next we meet.You'll be just as annoying? I guessed.He fixed my with those warm brown eyes. Or perhaps you could bring me up to speed on those modern courtship rituals.I sat there stunned until he gave me a glimpse of a smile-just enough to let me know he was teasing. Then he disappeared.Oh, very funny! I yelled.

~ Rick Riordan

When jumping is the sole option, you jump, and try to make it work.

~ Brandon Mull

Wild! Ron said, twiddling the replay knob on the side. I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again... and again... and again...

~ J.k. Rowling

Doctor, if being a bitch is healthy, then I am the healthiest damn woman on the face of the earth

~ Augusten Burroughs

Do you know, sire, I think that if we live to tell our grandchildren about this war, they will accuse us of making it up.' -Marielle

~ Tamora Pierce

When I die of heart failure the next time you frighten me like that, you can put that on my gravestone—‘I didn’t mean to startle her.

~ Patricia Briggs

How in the name of Merlin's pants have you managed to get your hands on those Horcrux books?

~ J.k. Rowling

Ow! My brains!

~ Douglas Adams

Likest thou jelly within thy doughnut?

~ Jim Butcher

It's difficult to see the glass ceiling because it's made of glass. Virtually invisible. What we need is for more birds to fly above it and shit all over it, so we can see it properly.

~ Caitlin Moran

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

~ Gideon J. Tucker

Money isn't everything...but it ranks right up there with oxygen.

~ Rita Davenport

Cheeses crusty, got all musty, got damp on the stone of a peach,” I agreed. He looked blank, so I repeated it with proper emphasis. “ ChEEZ-zes crusty. Got Al -musty. Got DAMp on the StoneofapeaCH.

~ Patricia Briggs

I didn't think about being king,” he said, his voice hoarse.Eddis stared. “Your capacity to land yourself in a mess because you didn't think first, Eugenides, will never cease to amaze me. What do you mean you didn't think about being king? Is Attolia going to marry you and move into my library?

~ Megan Whalen Turner

Unrequited love is so boring. Weeping under a blue-black sky is for suckers or maniacs.

~ Alice Hoffman

Everyone knows revenge is a dish best served when you've had enough time to build up enough vitriol and fury.

~ Sophie Kinsella

If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?

~ Philip

I think she just asked if she could touch my mango.

~ Cassandra Clare

To me, nudity is a joke. I don't think nude people are very attractive at all. I like my women fully clothed. I like to imagine what might be under there. It might not be the standard thing. Imagine, stripping a woman down, and she has a body like a little submarine. With periscope, propellers, torpedoes. That would be the one for me. I'd marry her right off and be faithful to the end.

~ Charles Bukowski

I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L'Illustration. Something desperate, you know.

~ Albert Camus

Sydney spent a lot of time on my bed these days.Unfortunately, it wasn't with me.

~ Richelle Mead

Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.

~ Amy Sedaris

Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get.

~ Robert A. Heinlein

You would be amazed how many magicians have died after being bitten by mad rabbits. It's far more common than you might think. -Angela the Herbalist

~ Christopher Paolini

Total non-retention has kept my education from being a burden to me.

~ Flannery O'connor

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

~ Steve Martin

Why should any guy want to be only friends with a girl? It’s like agreeing to be near a chocolate cake and never eat it. It’s like sitting in a racing car but not driving it.

~ Chetan Bhagat

Punctuation, is? fun!

~ Daniel Keyes

And before you barrel through some idiotic Cosmo girl list of how-well-do-you-know-your-man questions, let me say that I don't know squat about him except that he kisses like a god and screws like a devil.

~ Kristin Hannah

Shigure: JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND, KYO!Kyo: SHUT UP! I HATE THIS! DO YOU REALLY GET THAT MUCH ENJOYMENT FROM PLAYING WITH PEOPLES' LIVES?!Shigure: Well, yes, now that you mention it, I do--BUT THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!Kyo: Man, your persuasion skills SUCK!Tohru: Um, welcome home. Dinner's-Kyo: NOT HUNGRY!Shigure: KYO! DON'T TAKE THIS OUT ON TOHRU! And come back to the entrance hall this instant and take those shoes off!Yuki: He's right, Shigure. You really do suck at persuasion.

~ Natsuki Takaya

Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you.

~ Janet Evanovich

Writing in English is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives. The English reading public explains the reason why.

~ James Joyce

The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.

~ Scott Adams

The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse

~ Bill Watterson

I resisted the urge to hurl my plate at him. “Of course not, Ian. It’s just that normally at this hour, Bones and I are fucking like rabbits, so I get twitchy when I have to wait for him to climb aboard.

~ Jeaniene Frost

Another relative? Valek asked.A broad smile stretched Moon Man's lips. Yes. I am her mother's uncle's wife'sthird cousin.--Valek and Moon Man

~ Maria V. Snyder

There are two ways to look at life. The first view is that nothing stays the same and that nothing is inherently connected, and that the only driving force in anyone's life is entropy. The second is that everything pretty much stays the same (more or less) and that everything is completely connected, even if we don't realize it.

~ Chuck Klosterman

So Dobby stopped us from getting on the train and broke your arm. . . . He shook his head. You know what, Harry? If he doesn't stop trying to save your life he's going to kill you.

~ J.k. Rowling

Did you eat my Twinkies?She gulped. Keeping her eyes glued to the whip, she said, Exactly what Twinkies are we talking about?The Twinkies in the cupboard over the sink. The only Twinkies in the trailer. His fingers convulsed around the coils of leather.Oh, Lord, she thought. Flayed to death for a Twinkle.Well?It, uh — it won't happen again, I promise you. But they didn't have any special marking on them, so there was no way I could tell they were yours. Her eyes remained riveted on the whip. And normally I wouldn't have eaten them— I never eat junk food-—but I was hungry last night, and, well, when you think about it, you'll have to admit I did you a favor because they're clogging my arteries now instead of yours.His voice was quiet. Too quiet. In her mind she heard the howl of a rampaging Cossack baying at a Russian moon. Don't touch my Twinkies. Ever. If you want Twinkies, buy your own.

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Sure,” she said, and hugged the laptop bag closer. “What could go wrong?”Michael’s eyes flashed to meet hers in the rearview mirror.Besides everything, I mean,” she said.

~ Rachel Caine