Humor Quotes

I read the fuck out of every book I can get my hands on.

~ Nick Hornby

ligion is the opiate of the masses. I did masses of opiates religiously.

~ Carrie Fisher

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

~ Steven Wright

Truth would quickly cease to be stranger than fiction, once we got as used to it.

~ H.l. Mencken

Leo had seen Tia Callida in action; she liked knives, snakes and putting babies in roaring fires. Yeah, definitely let's unleash her rage. Great idea.

~ Rick Riordan

I've got a theory, it could be bunnies...I've got a theor-Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposesThey've got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses.And what's with all the carrots-?What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?Bunnies, bunnies it must be bunnies!...or maybe midgets...

~ Joss Whedon

Emergency dance party--go away.

~ Rainbow Rowell

To err is human, to purr is feline.

~ Robert Byrne

As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.

~ Dave Barry

There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.

~ Garrison Keillor

The Destiny of Man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at each other out of separate trees.

~ T.h. White

First Pallas and now you,” the gray-haired man said, shaking his head at Nick. “It’s like I’m running a goddamn dating service around here.

~ Julie James

You saw my leg?How can a man help what he sees? he said. And, if I could add, you possess a very fine leg.

~ Shannon Hale

Hugh consoled me, saying, Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at.When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he'll need some time to think.

~ David Sedaris

In the world according to Garp, we are all terminal cases

~ John Irving

I’ve been thinking.” “A dangerous pursuit.” “Indeed.

~ Victoria Schwab

It is proved by surveys that happiness does not come from love, wealth, or power but the pursuit of attainable goals.

~ Helen Fielding

I know how to use a fellytone now.

~ J.k. Rowling

The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness:'I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to Las Vegas and marry it.

~ John Green

Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that.

~ Rachel Caine

Earrings are like orgasms. You can never have too many. I never thought about it quite that way. Well, you're a man. She gave his knee a friendly pat.

~ Nora Roberts

Who wants to go down the creepy tunnel inside the tomb first?

~ Ann Lloyd

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

~ Steve Martin

I'd made the vampire cry. Great. I felt like a real superhero. Harry Dresden, breaker of monsters' hearts.

~ Jim Butcher

She wondered if it was her stupid mother, the goddess of love, messing with her thoughts. If Piper started getting urges to read fashion magazines, she was going to have to find Aphrodite and smack her.

~ Rick Riordan

I've never created a riot before. I did cause a brawl at the last formal. A large number of young women there actually arrived with the expectation of seducing me into matrimony, and a couple of their mothers came to blows. It was hilari—I mean, dreadful. Simply dreadful.

~ Ilona Andrews

If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.

~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

When something needs to be said, you look for a man to say it. But when something needs actually to be done, you look for a woman.

~ P.b. Kerr

Take care of the sense and the sounds will take care of themselves.

~ Lewis Carroll

I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.

~ Eoin Colfer

I let out a laugh that sounded more like the yip of a startled poodle. Superp-powers? I wish. My powers aren't winning me a slot on the Cartoon Network anytime soon... except as a comic relief. Ghost Whisperer Junior. Or Ghost Screamer, more like it. Tune in, every week, as Chloe Saunders runs screaming from yet another ghost looking for her help.Okay, superpower might be pushing it.

~ Kelley Armstrong

We need to gather everyone we can.Damien scoffed. Uh, boss, hate to be a pall, but I think everyone we can gather is currently in this room.Sin paused to look at Simi, Xirena, Damien, Kat, Kish, and Xypher. It was a pitiful number of defenders. But it was all the world had. In that case, we need to seriously arm ourselves.Damien crossed himself. Hail Mary, full of grace-What are you doing? Kish asked. You're not Catholic.Yeah but I'm feeling really religious all of a sudden and it seemed like a good idea.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Ford carried on counting quietly. This is about the most aggressive thing you can do to a computer, the equivalent of going up to a human being and saying Blood...blood...blood...blood...

~ Douglas Adams

Tarzan-like men are my weakness, apparently.

~ Colleen Houck

It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.

~ Mark Twain

I disapprove of matrimony as a matter of principle.... Why should any independent, intelligent female choose to subject herself to the whims and tyrannies of a husband? I assure you, I have yet to meet a man as sensible as myself! (Amelia Peabody)

~ Elizabeth Peters

She'd met Colin on a Monday.She'd kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.

~ Julia Quinn

I’ve had a tense couple of days. And I’ve got to tell you, burning someone’s face off sounds like a great way to relax.

~ Jim Butcher

I don't understand how people canstand next to you one year,and next year, they cannot. They're going crazy, screaming. They can't take it that you're there. But last year I was in the same club,walking around,lonely like a motherfucker. Couldn't get a date or a dance. I was too skinny, too something,and now, He's just adorable. He's just, oh!

~ Tupac Shakur