Humor Quotes

What I'm expecting is for you to behave like the gentleman I always thought you were.

~ Wendelin Van Draanen

Claire was struggling through last summer’s diary volume when Myrnin popped in through the portal, wearing a big floppy black hat and a kind of crazy/stylish pimp coat that covered him from neck to ankles, black leather gloves, and a black and silver walking stick with a dragon’s head on it. And, on his lapel was a button that said, If you can read this, thank a teacher.

~ Rachel Caine

One glance and I knew exactly who and what he was. The classic alpha male, the kind who had spurred evolution forward about five million years ago by nailing every female in sight. They charmed, seduced, and behaved like bastards, and yet women were biologically incapable of resisting their magic DNA.

~ Lisa Kleypas

You know how hard it is to feel like an extreme falcon-headed combat machine when somebody calls you chicken man?

~ Rick Riordan

I past another telkhine, who was so startled he dropped his Lil' Demons lunch box. I left him alive - partly because he had a cool lunch box...

~ Rick Riordan

I ripped my left arm out of his hand and slammed my elbow into his solar plexus. He exhaled in a gasp. I lunged for the dagger and sat on top of him, my knees pinning his arms, my dagger on his throat.He lay still. “I give up,” he said and smiled. “Your move.”Er. I was sitting atop the Beast Lord in my underwear, holding a knife to his throat. What the hell was my next move?

~ Ilona Andrews

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.

~ Ronald Reagan

Look. Survey. Inspect. My hair is ruined! I look like a pan of bacon and eggs!

~ Diana Wynne Jones

Riley : Do you want to claw at me, kitty-cat? Come on.Mercy: Sorry, I don't beat defenseless puppies.

~ Nalini Singh

I'm as pure as the driven slush.

~ Tallulah Bankhead

I came to the table, pulled up a chair, and sat. “Everyone brought a pet. I feel left out.” An enthusiastic howl broke the silence, and Grendel bounded through the doorway. He galloped through the steak house, skidded on the floor, smashed into my chair, and dropped a dead rat on my lap. Awesome.

~ Ilona Andrews

No. Don't distract me with your sexy talk.

~ Rachel Hawkins

I felt this awful obligation to be charming or at least have something to say, and the pressure of having to be charming (or merely verbal) incapacitates me.

~ Peter Cameron

People have hope because they cannot see Death standing behind them.

~ Tite Kubo

My bookcase is all yours.I walked to the door. I've just decided that those are my favorite five words in the world.

~ Kasie West

Other than the voices in my head, I think I’m pretty normal.

~ Tom Upton

And a special thanks for not burning up the whole ship. Including yourself, you daft bum-rag.

~ Scott Westerfeld

I’d have been dead a long time ago if not for my friends, one of whom had just jumped off the cliff after me. I’d have been a lot more appreciative if he hadn’t pushed me first. ~Cassandra Palmer

~ Karen Chance

I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners.

~ Kathy Griffin

Wrath: What the hell are you supposed to ask?Rhage: I know! Who do you like the most? It's me right?Come on, you know it is. Come oooooonnnnn-Butch: If its you I'll kill myself.V: No, that just means she's blind.Rhage: It has to be me.V: She said she didn't like you at first.Rhage: Ah, but I won her over, which is more than anyone else can say about you, hot stuff.J.R.: I don't like anyone the bestWrath: Right answer.Rhage: She's just sparing all of you feelings. (grins, becoming impossibly handsome) She's so polite.J.R.: Next question?Rhage: Why do you like me the best?

~ J.r. Ward

Anyway.I’m not allowed to watch TV, although I am allowed to rent documentaries that are approved for me, and I can read anything I want. My favorite book is A Brief History of Time, even though I haven’t actually finished it, because the math is incredibly hard and Mom isn’t good at helping me. One of my favorite parts is the beginning of the first chapter, where Stephen Hawking tells about a famous scientist who was giving a lecture about how the earth orbits the sun, and the sun orbits the solar system, and whatever. Then a woman in the back of the room raised her hand and said, “What you have told us is rubbish. The world is really a flat plate supported on the back of a giant tortoise.” So the scientist asked her what the tortoise was standing on. And she said, “But it’s turtles all the way down!”I love that story, because it shows how ignorant people can be. And also because I love tortoises.

~ Jonathan Safran Foer

I have never read The Joy of Crap. Sounds disgusting. I have, however, read The Joy of Sex. Not in a while, but I think it's one of those classics you can come back to again... and again.

~ Michelle Hodkin

I didn't do anyting wrong. All I know is I saw two people struggling to get inside these walls and they [Minho and Alby] couldn't make it. To ignore that because of some stupid rule seemed selfish, cowardly, and... well, stupid. If you want to throw me in jail for trying to save someone's [Alby] life, then go ahead. Next time I promise I'll point at them and laugh, then go eat some of Frypan's dinner. -Thomas

~ James Dashner

There was this book Dad used to read to me every night called The Giving Tree. It was a really good book, but the back of it had a picture of the author, this guy named Shel Silverstein.But Shel Silverstein looks more like a burglar or a pirate than a guy who should be writing books for kids.Dad must have known that picture kind of freaked me out, because one night after I got out of bed, Dad said: IF YOU GET OUT OF BED AGAIN TONIGHT, YOU'LL PROBABLY RUN INTO SHEL SILVERSTEIN IN THE HALLWAY.That really did the trick, Ever since then, I STILL don't get out of bed at night, even if I really need to use the bathroom.

~ Jeff Kinney

I don't really like coffee, she said, but I don't really like it when my head hits my desk when I fall asleep either.

~ Brian Andreas

Excruciating agony makes me cranky.

~ Brandon Mull

Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.

~ Noel Fielding

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

~ George W. Bush

What is your advice to young writers?” “Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.

~ Charles Bukowski

Adrian was easily distractible by wacky topics and shiny objects.

~ Richelle Mead

I always listen to you. Except when I don't.

~ Maggie Stiefvater

Dead. Never been that before. Not even once.

~ Jasper Fforde

Pranks vs school= pranks win all day

~ Justin Bieber

You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.IT'S EDUCATIONAL.'What if she cuts herself?'THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.

~ Terry Pratchett

See, that’s the difference,” Mauvin said. “I suffer a loss and people console me. Royce suffers a loss and whole towns evacuate.

~ Michael J. Sullivan

Riza: Without his Alchemy he's just...Jean: A little brat who swears a lotMaes: An arrogant pipsqueakRoy: Useless. Just uselessAlphonse: Sorry big brother, I don't know how to add to that...Ed *starts to cry*: YOU'RE ALL PICKING ON ME!!!

~ Hiromu Arakawa

Slumber party with Dracula, all things considerd why not?

~ Jeaniene Frost

THE WOMAN WAS GOING TO KILL HIM, and not because she was stronger and more vicious than he was. Which, if he thought about it, she was. He’d never ripped a man’s throat out with his teeth, and he was damned impressed that Gwen had. She’d made the Lords of the Underworld look like marshmallows.

~ Gena Showalter

Funny thing about glass. When you broke the shit up, it got pissed and bit back.

~ J.r. Ward

Why?' is always the most difficult question to answer. You know where you are when someone asks you 'What's the time?' or 'When was the battle of 1066?' or 'How do these seatbelts work that go tight when you slam the brakes on, Daddy?' The answers are easy and are, respectively, 'Seven-thirty in the evening,' 'Ten-fifteen in the morning,' and 'Don't ask stupid questions.

~ Douglas Adams