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Humor Quotes

Humor quote from classy quote

Cats don't need to be possessed, they're evil on their own.

~ Peter Kreeft

Peter Kreeft Cats Humor Philosophy

You know your Lamborghini is on fire, right?

~ Meg Cabot

Meg Cabot Humor

Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything.Yes, murmured Lord Henry, settling his button-hole in his coat; and when they grow older they know it.

~ Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde Humor Imagine Know Money Old Sarcasm Young

Locke sighed.'So this is winning,' he said.'It is,' replied Jean. 'It can go fuck itself,' said Locke.

~ Scott Lynch

Scott Lynch Humor

Maybe I should, I don't know leave? Because this is starting to sound like one of those reality shows I don't want to be in. Maybe you guys want to take turns in the confessional booth.

~ Rachel Caine

Rachel Caine Humor Tv

Before I begin, may I ask how old you are?You may ask.How old are you?It's none of your business

~ Christopher Pike

Christopher Pike Humor

When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.

~ Helen Rowland

Helen Rowland Humor Marriage Women Work

Along with the standard computer warranty agreement which said that if the machine 1) didn't work, 2) didn't do what the expensive advertisements said, 3) electrocuted the immediate neighborhood, 4) and in fact failed entirely to be inside the expensive box when you opened it, this was expressly, absolutely, implicitly and in no event the fault or responsibility of the manufacturer, that the purchaser should consider himself lucky to be allowed to give his money to the manufacturer, and that any attempt to treat what had just been paid for as the purchaser's own property would result in the attentions of serious men with menacing briefcases and very thin watches. Crowley had been extremely impressed with the warranties offered by the computer industry, and had in fact sent a bundle Below to the department that drew up the Immortal Soul agreements, with a yellow memo form attached just saying: 'Learn, guys...

~ Neil Gaiman

Neil Gaiman Contracts Humor

It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

~ Steve Martin

Steve Martin Humor Religion Science

...There are too many idiots in this world. And having said it, I have the burden of proving it.

~ Frantz Fanon

Frantz Fanon Humor Humour Idiots

If anger were mileage, I'd be a very frequent flyer, right up there in First Class.

~ Gina Barreca

Gina Barreca Anger Gina Barreca Humor Revenge Women

‎No people whose word for 'yesterday' is the same as their word for 'tomorrow' can be said to have a firm grip on the time.

~ Salman Rushdie

Salman Rushdie Future Humor India Past Time

I've always known I was gay, but it wasn't confirmed until I was in kindergarten.It was my teacher who said so. It was right there on my kindergarten report card: PAUL IS DEFINITELY GAY AND HAS VERY GOOD SENSE OF SELF.

~ David Levithan

David Levithan Humor Lgbt

Rule number 2 - don't listen to me! Arriane laughed, I'm certifiably insane!

~ Lauren Kate

Lauren Kate Arriane Fallen Humor Luce Young Adult Fiction

Linh Cinder. Such a pleasure. My master has spoken so highly of you.”Cinder paused and studied her again. “Who are you?”“I’m called Darla. I am Captain Thorne’s mistress.”Cinder blinked. “Excuse me?”“He asked me to stay and keep watch over the vehicle,” she said. “He’s just gone inside to be heroic. I’m sure he’ll be glad to know you’re here. I believe he’s under the impression that you’re out in space somewhere.

~ Marissa Meyer

Marissa Meyer Cinder Darla Humor

Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or do we have matters to discuss?

~ Eoin Colfer

Eoin Colfer Humor

What does ‘hmm’ have to do with anything? Could you ever use more than five words? All this grunting and minced words make you come across—primal.”His smile tipped higher. “Primal.”“You’re impossible.”“Me Jev, you Nora.

~ Becca Fitzpatrick

Becca Fitzpatrick Humor Nora Grey Patch Cipriano

Victor patted my hand. 'I like you, Sky. You're a fighter.''I am, aren't I? Hear that, Zed? No more bambi comparisons. I'm a Rottweiler -with a temper.''A very small Rottweiler,' said Zed, still not convinced.

~ Joss Stirling

Joss Stirling Humor Make A Point Sky Zed

Disagreements over money are the biggest cause of divorce.She waved her hand. Absolutely no problem. Your money is our money. My money is my money. She wrote away.I should make you negotiate with Phoebe.

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Susan Elizabeth Phillips Humor Money Pre Nup Romance

Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, those who wrote bad poetry, and those who put off writing bad poetry. Merits were for sex addicts, Salems were for alcoholics, and Mores were for people who considered themselves to be outrageous but really weren't.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Humor Smoking Stereotypes

When she scooped up her clothes, opened his door, then snapped her fingers for a guard down the hall, Wroth watched like a bystander. “Pssst. Minion. I need these laundered. Very little starch. Don’t just stand there gawking or you’ll anger my good frenemy General Wroth. We’re like this.”He couldn’t see her but knew she was twining two fingers together.

~ Kresley Cole

Kresley Cole Humor Immortals After Dark Kresley Cole Lore Myst Nikolai Wroth Paranormal Romance The Warlord Wants Forever

Not going to walk me to the door? I asked, pretending to be shocked at his lack of gallantry.Of course I am. many would think that a bonny lass such as yerself wouldst be able to stay out of trouble for a distance of fifteen feet, but I know better.Did you just use the words yerself and wouldst in the same sentence? You can't be a pirate and a courtier at the same time, Dev. It just isn't done.

~ Jennifer Lynn Barnes

Jennifer Lynn Barnes Banter Humor Humour

Shut up! Eve yelled from somewhere upstairs. Jackass!You know, when people say that, I just hear the word awesome

~ Rachel Caine

Rachel Caine Humor

I'm calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I've been through, shit on Mars should be named after me.

~ Andy Weir

Andy Weir Funny Humor

Who, last time I'd checked, was still on our official archenemy list. (Yes, we have to keep a list. It's kind of sad.)

~ James Patterson

James Patterson Angel Humor Max Maximum Ride Maxride

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

~ Bill Cosby

Bill Cosby Humor Parenting

What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wolf?

~ Eoin Colfer

Eoin Colfer Barbecue Bbq Humor Signs Wolf Wolves

Everything not forbidden is compulsory

~ T.h. White

T.h. White Absurd Government Humor Totalitarianism

Joshua's ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here's the gist of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua give.You should be nice to people, even creeps.And if you:a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and)b) he had come to save you from sin (and)c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, he would say) (and)d) didn't blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c)then you would:e) live foreverf) someplace niceg) probably heavanHowever, if you:h) sinned (and/or)i) were a hypocrite (and/or)j) valued things over people (and)k) didn't do a, b, c, and d,then you were:l) fucked

~ Christopher Moore

Christopher Moore Humor Speeches

Hey, yummy leather guy? Can you hear me? (Amanda)

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Sherrilyn Kenyon Fanstastic Funny Humor

Here's a newsflash from the only High Preistess you have left at this dang school: Zoey isn't dead. And believe me, I know dead. I've been there, done that, and got the frickin' T-shirt. - Stevie Rae

~ P.c. Cast

P.c. Cast Humor

My Head of House said I lacked certain necessary qualities...like the ability to behave myself.

~ J.k. Rowling

J.k. Rowling Humor Tonks

I don't know about your true form, but the weight of your ego sure is pushing the crust of the earth toward the breaking point.

~ Jim Butcher

Jim Butcher Ego Ferro Harry Dresden Humor Sarcasm

Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.

~ Mark Twain

Mark Twain Humor

From: Anastasia SteeleSubject: MoaningDate: May 31 2011 19:39 ESTTo: Christian GreyGotta go.Laters, baby......From: Christian GreySubject: PlagiarismDate: May 31 2011 16:41To: Anastasia SteeleYou stole my line.And left me hanging.Enjoy your dinner.Christian GreyCEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

~ E.l. James

E.l. James Emails Fifty Shades Of Grey Humor

What's in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name would still smell.

~ Reduced Shakespeare Company

Reduced Shakespeare Company Humor Paraphrased Romeo And Juliet Shakespeare

The secret to humor is surprise.

~ Aristotle

Aristotle Humor Surprise

People who entered the Courtyard without an invitation were just plain crazy! Wolves were big and scary and so fluffy, how could anyone resist hugging one just to feel all that fur?“Ignore the fluffy,” she muttered. “Remember the part about big and scary.

~ Anne Bishop

Anne Bishop Fluffy Humor Werewolves Wolves

Shee, you guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off.

~ Douglas Adams

Douglas Adams Humor

Hell's holy stars and freaking stones shit bells.

~ Jim Butcher

Jim Butcher Epithet Harry Dresden Humor
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