Humor Quotes

Paradox /pera,daks/ noun1. Being told to wake up and come back to reality by your family and friends, while being dragged to church to hear a lesson on Jonah and the whale, followed by a sermon on believing in things you can't see without faith.

~ Shannon L. Alder

If you can kill it, or it can kill you, it's real.

~ Laini Taylor

When reality and your dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.

~ Crystal Woods

I'm leaning against the bookshelves when it occurs to me that one thing here is real-the books. I reach behind me and let my fingers trail over the rough leather of their antique spines, then pull one free. Nobody here reads them; the books are for decoration. Chosen for the richness of their leather bindings not for the contents of their pages. Nobody will miss one, and I need a dose of reality.

~ Amie Kaufman

Human history is full of depressing things like colonization, disease, racism, sexism...inventions of things which they had no idea how to handle (the atomic bomb, the Internet, the semicolon)....And through it all there has always been some truly awful food.

~ Matt Haig

The moment was surreal. A sometimes-autistic young man with two identities lecturing a room full of zombies on feelings and realities.

~ Jonathan Friesen

There's and entire world outside these bleak pages, one full of SUNRISES and KITTY-CATS and late-night BURRITO RUNS and the horrible, creaking amble of us all towards DEATH. It is to that world that I am afraid I must release you to now.

~ David Malki

Nice to be born in this universe. Thanks dad and mom.

~ Nodas

It was all fine until the girls started drinking. (Everything is always fine up until that point.)

~ John Duover

We were not actually famous, I have to add. People were just drunk.

~ John Duover

There is no pathos more bitter than that of parting from someone we have never met.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

People who want to climb mountains just like taking metaphors for real. So when I say I could murder for a mangosteen, I hope you don’t think I’m going to go out and do that.

~ Initially No

As an author I'm in my head all day and I worry that I lose touch with reality. But then my dog pees on my shoe and I know I've found it again.

~ Michelle M. Pillow

A Writer is Actor, Creator, Director & Producer Of HIS Life. Ask ME anything.

~ Nirav Sanchaniya

See, I’m a great believer in the power of negative thought. And in an age of affirmation, of self-help and self-love, of the rebirth of wide-eyed idealism and the power of positive thinking — I’m happy to be a champion of skepticism and doubt. That night, I rediscovered my role, my reason, and my rage.

~ Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

Positiveness is not a god gift. Things are negative when you realize that frog inside you is not able to jump high.

~ Tanmay Patange

You can make heaven out of hell, or hell out of heaven. The choice is yours.

~ Shannon L. Alder

I envisioned him tied in a chair, an iron arrow pointed at his brow. Ah, the power of positive thinking.

~ Red Tash

AWESOME things come to those who focus on the positive, recognize the blessings, find the humor and never give up!

~ Tanya Masse

Things will happen that you can’t prevent, things will fall apart that you can’t hold together, but ultimately you’re shaping yourself and that final product speaks volumes about who you really are, not what people see you as or what you want to be.

~ Erik Tomblin

She tried to tear herself away from him. The effort broke against his arms that had not felt it. Her fists beat against his shoulders, against his face. He moved one had, took her two wrists, pinned them behind her, under his arm, wrenching her shoulder blades. She twisted her head back. She felt his lips on her breast. She tore herself free…She fought like an animal. But she made no sound. She did not call for help. She heard the echoes of her blows in a gasp of his breath, and she knew that it was a gasp of pleasure…She felt the hatred and his hands; his hands moving over her body, the hands that broke granite. She fought the last convulsion. Then the sudden pain shot up, through her body, to her throat, and she screamed. Then she laid still. It was an act that could be performed in tenderness, as a seal of love, or in contempt, as a symbol of humiliation and conquest. It could be an act of a lover or the act of a soldier violating an enemy woman. He did it as an act of scorn. Not as love, but as defilement. And this made her still and submit…the act of a master taking shameful , contemptuous possession of her was the kind of rapture she had wanted…

~ Ayn Rand

I staggered into a Manchester bar late one night on a tour and the waitress said You look as if you need a Screaming Orgasm. At the time this was the last thing on my mind...

~ Terry Pratchett

It was nice of her to want to believe the best about me. People tend to do that with the strangers they're fucking. If she wanted to think that apathy and independence were the same thing, good for her. Maybe she was right.

~ Paul Neilan

Sex without smiling is as sickly and as base as vodka and tonic without ice.

~ Stephen Fry

All this fuss about sleeping together. For physical pleasure I'd sooner go to my dentist any day.

~ Evelyn Waugh

Alone-sex didn't count. It's like the difference between thinking to yourself or having a good conversation with someone----the pleasure is in the exchange. -Liberty Jones

~ Lisa Kleypas

It was like there was some parallel universe we all vanished off to where we had all this sex.

~ Kazuo Ishiguro

My dick didn't seem to be aware that she was there. She kept asking me what was wrong, and I was so out of it that I thought she meant what was wrong with the world, so I started talking about global poverty and shit. I'm not surprised she left. I suspect she won't be coming back.

~ Nikki Sixx

I never asked my mother where babies came from but I remember clearly the day she volunteered the information....my mother called me to set the table for dinner. She sat me down in the kitchen, and under the classic caveat of 'loving each other very, very much,' explained that when a man and a woman hug tightly, the man plants a seed in the woman. The seed grows into a baby. Then she sent me to the pantry to get placemats. As a direct result of this conversation, I wouldn't hug my father for two months.

~ Sloane Crosley

I'll never forget my first time with you' Min said as she edged the doughnut off her finger. 'The earth moved, and then my mother asked my father who he was going down on at lunch.

~ Jennifer Crusie

Here's the thing: this eel spends its entire life trying to find a home, and what do you think women have inside them? Caves, where the eels like to live...when they find a cave they like, the wriggle around inside it for a while to be sure that...well, to be sure it's a nice cave, I suppose. And when they've made up their minds that it's comfortable, they mark the cave as their territory...by spitting.

~ Arthur Golden

I ejaculated about ten minutes ago and the stuff was black. So everything is not normal.Silence greeted that happy little announcement. Man, if he had hauled off and sucker-punched V, he would have gotten less of a shocked-out reaction.

~ J.r. Ward

I know a lot about birds and bees, but I don't know very much about the birds and the bees. Everything I do know I had to teach myself on the Internet, because I don't have anyone to ask. For example, I know that you give someone a blowjob by putting your penis in their mouth.

~ Jonathan Safran Foer

Have you ever heard of the expression, ladies first YesWell, it's truer in bed than it is anywhere else.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

I'm so ready you could drive a truck straight up my ass and I would bend over and push back until it was in to the rear bumper.

~ Cameron Dane

Boys are universal giver, women remains universal receiver.

~ Santosh Kalwar

You think he has some bomb defusing MacGyver contraption cooked up that involves lube, condoms, and a paper clip?

~ Stephani Hecht

Cuddling was for great aunts and teddy bears. Cuddling gave him cramp.

~ David Nicholls

What I know now is that gallant young men rarely get pussy. Put it on a sampler and hang it in your kitchen.

~ Stephen King

Giving a reader a sex scene that is only half right is like giving her half of a kitten. It is not half as cute as a whole kitten; it is a bloody, godawful mess.

~ Howard Mittelmark