Humor Quotes

Um, she'll take your number if you're single

~ J.l. Mccoy

All tha’ effin’ an’ blindin’ she was doin’...I ain’t never seen tha’ likes. Ya’ made a right hames wit dis’ wan, Athair. If she ‘ad been one of us, I’da put fifty quid on ‘er. She was after ya’ bollox, she was!

~ J.l. Mccoy

It's not wrong to hustle hustlers. It's like killing murderers, a public service. -Damon Salvatore

~ L.j. Smith

At the last parent visitation night I'd sorta accidentally watched a majorly nightmarish scene between Aphrodite and her parents. Her dad's the mayor of Tulsa. Her mom might be Satan.

~ P.c. Cast

I hate it when I go into a Snack Shack and they're out of Blue Ice. The other slushie flavors taste like cheap candy.

~ Daven Anderson

Zaphod did not want to tangle with them and, deciding that just as discretion is the better part of valor, so was cowardice is the better part of discretion, he valiantly hid himself in a closet.

~ Douglas Adams

Yes, Father. They have the bravest hearts, the noblest souls, and the shiniest armor in all the world.”“Shiniest armor?” repeated King Ban.

~ Gerald Morris

I sheep's idea of bravery : To become a wolf's pet.

~ Ljupka Cvetanova

It takes more than balls to be a woman. It takes ovaries.

~ Solange Nicole

Let's go commit senseless acts of science.

~ Seanan Mcguire

Susan had told him once that bravery was when you wanted to pee your pants, but you kept fighting

~ Dan Krokos

Adding kidney beans to his cottage cheese and pineapple was an act of bravery Dave had not intended.

~ Theric Jepson

Let's see if your right foot is as fearless as your mouth.

~ Doug Solter

The only person I compete with is Satan. If that happens to be you, then could you please move out of the way? You’re standing in Christ’s spot.

~ Shannon L. Alder

Rod Cockshutt, Professor Emeritus at N.C. State University called my book, Evidence of Insanity, an extraordinary achievement and told me to not change the last 10-15 pages no matter what.

~ Carol Piner

When she says 'I've never done this before she just means with you

~ Josh Stern

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

~ Ethel Barrymore

Out of curiosity, when do I grow up and become a fullfledgedman with a penis?”“When words like ‘hump day’ don’t make you giggle like atwelve-year-old,” he retorted, blowing smoke my way.“Wow, that long?

~ Dani Alexander

In a desperate attempt to stay young forever we have achieved eternal childishness, rather than eternal youth.

~ Daniel Prokop

We live in an adolescent society, Neverland, where never growing up seems more the norm than the exception. Little boys wearing expensive suits and adult bodies should not be allowed to run big corporations. They shouldn’t be allowed to run governments, armies, religions, small businesses and charities either and just quietly, they make pretty shabby husbands and fathers too. Mankind has become Pankind and whilst “lost boys” abound, there is also an alarming increase in the number of “lost girls.

~ Daniel Prokop

It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized you could buy a packet of cereal with a free gift and then just stick your hand in and root around in the packet until you found the free thing. It seems a much simpler way. But that took me about fifteen years to work out.

~ Eddie Izzard

Stephanie took another puff from her candy cigarette, reached into her purse, brought out the rest of the pack, and said, Want one of these damned cigarettes?

~ K. Martin Beckner

Hm. Didn’t you use to be a lot smaller?”“Yes,” said Jinx. “Because I used to be six.

~ Sage Blackwood

He looked so silly that I could not stop laughing, even as my tears kept flowing. Is the root of laughter also sorrow? As I laughed, I was filled with both joy and sorrow.

~ Kyung-Sook Shin

No one likes a person that should of all over the place.

~ Shannon L. Alder

Someday,” she said in a voice as serene as a high mountain lake, “I’m going to break your neck. Then I’m going to saw it off with a hacksaw so I can take my time.” Venom’s grin creased his cheeks.“I knew you had it in you, kitty.”(Venom & Sorrow)

~ Nalini Singh

He stumbled out of his phlegmatic apathy,when she entered his life like an epiphany.

~ Neelniki

I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.

~ Chelsea Handler

I’d rather straighten my pubes with a flat iron than go on another blind date.

~ Stephanie Mcafee

...And so we go and I meet his parents. And it's a very strange thing meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents for the first time. Part of you is angry for obvious reasons and part of you still wants to make a good impression. On a side note, they seemed in perfect health.

~ Mike Birbiglia

When you're on a Ferris wheel all anyone ever talks about is being on the Ferris wheel and the view from the Ferris wheel and whether the Ferris wheel is scary and how many more times it will go around. Dating is like that. Nobody who's doing it ever talks about anything else. I have no interest in dating.

~ John Green

It wasn't like there was a dating and mating website for bear shifters. If there had been, its mascot would have been that yellow Care Bear with the heart on its stomach.

~ Lila Felix

If you’re going to be a dickhead, at least have the courtesy of doing it while I have a drink in my hand so I can throw it in your face!

~ Nicki Elson

Hormones, it seemed, we're making a much-delayed appearance in her life.Liv was horrified.

~ Danika Stone

Paeng leans back and rests his hand flat on the table. “Vince.”Blushing, he snaps at his friend. “I dropped the bra on the wet tarp and I guess I must have accidentally gotten paint on it and touched it to my cheek, okay?”Paeng is silent as Vince sighs. “I didn’t mean to take my upset out on you, sorry.”“No big. So, you fondled it. Was it good for you?” Paeng’s eyes glitter, making Vince’s anxiety flare.“I couldn’t help myself! The girl’s smoking hot and yet she doesn’t appear to own trashy underwear.” He feels all dreamy just thinking about it. “It’s simple and soft . . . it felt so nice. She’s not like any of the girls I’ve met before. She’s direct, feisty and artistic and I bet she’s really smart. She’s nothing like the usual MOM Girl and she’s not even my type. But her underwear is beautiful. She doesn’t wear slutty underwear because she doesn’t put on airs, and oh, God, that’s so attractive. What I wouldn’t give to see—”Paeng face palms Vince. “Dude. You are waxing poetic about cotton underwear like my sisters wear when they get their periods. It’s just underwear. It is not the key to Dani’s psyche. You are making the kind of assumptions about her that lead to expensive rings, one point two kids, and minivans. You are in trouble.

~ Jess Molly Brown

He's got more red flags than Soviet Russia.

~ Kresley Cole

My last girlfriend was a Showgirl - But we eventually broke up because she wouldn't Tell me anything. Now I'm dating a girl who looks exactly like my grandma, only my girl older.-James Lee Schmidt and Jarod Kintz

~ James Lee Schmidt

Bob leaned back and straightened his red paisley power tie. His smile was a bit lopsided and more than a bit suggestive. “In my experience, older women have very definite ideas about what they want—ideas that don’t include wheezing, potbellied, middle-aged guys with receding hairlines.” He chuckled and smoothed his flaxen tresses once more.She drummed her fingernails on the white tablecloth and looked for the waitress. That made six times so far this insolent pup had used the term “older women.”He gave her the once-over. “Nowadays, older women are so—”God help him if he says...“—well preserved.”Lina briefly closed her eyes. It was going to be a long evening.

~ Pamela Burford

You’re repulsive, Mike.”“Huh?”“I said, you’re impulsive. Such a fun, impulsive guy.” When Leah looked into her date’s little eyes, she couldn’t help picturing Mavis Fletcher’s prize sow Gertie in a two-thousand-dollar silk suit and a gold Tag Heuer watch.

~ Pamela Burford

One girl raved about a nice voicemail a guy had recently left her. I kindly requested she play it and heard this gem: 'Hey, Lydia. It's Sam. Just calling to say what's up. Gimme a ring when you get a chance.'THAT WAS IT.I pleaded to know what was so great about this. She sweetly recalled that 'he remembered my name, he said hi, and he told me to call him back.'Never mind the fact that what she described was the content of LITERALLY EVERY VOICE MAIL IN HISTORY. Name, hello, please call back. Not really a boatload of charm on display. To fail this test, a guy would have to leave a message that said: 'No greeting. This is man. I don't remember you. End communication.

~ Aziz Ansari