Humor Quotes

No one, I fancy, would discredit a story that the Archbishop of Canterbury slipped on a banana skin merely because he found that a similar comic mishap had been reported of many people, and especially of elderly gentlemen of dignity.

~ J.r.r. Tolkien

In describing a fairy story which they think adults might possibly read for their own entertainment, reviewers frequently indulge in such waggeries as: 'this book is for children from the ages of six to sixty'. But I have never yet seen the puff of a new motor-model that begun thus: 'this toy will amuse infants from seventeen to seventy'; though that to my mind would be much more appropriate.

~ J.r.r. Tolkien

Don't ever let anyone tell you that fairy tales aren't real. I drink a potion made from magic beans every day, and it brings me back to life.

~ Nanea Hoffman

Pan took the joke good-naturedly, probably deciding it wasn't a good idea to argue with a fifteen-year-old who had just pulled two people up ten feet.

~ Grace Anthony

Tonight was a perfect illustration of why Cinderella and the Prince get married twenty-four hours after they meet. Because when you're living with your stepmother, there is no happily ever after.

~ Melissa Kantor

We're a couple of travelers! I called up to her. I'm Briony, and this is Ella!Grammy said I ought not to talk to strangers! she called back.We're not strangers! Ella shouted. We're with the u

~ K.b. Shinn

OMG. He's a gift shop, a lamb kebab with mint,/a solar panel poetry machine with biceps. He's the path/through the dark woods, the light on the page, a postcard/from the castle and a one-way ticket there. He's the most/astounding arrangement of molecules ever!/Just look at those tights! An honest-to-God prince at last.

~ Ron Koertge

He built a tower to try and be closer to her and walled himself inside.”She stared at him for a moment as if waiting for something. “And?”He glanced at her, puzzled. “And, what?”She widened her eyes. “How does the story end? Did the sorcerer win his Moon Maid

~ Elizabeth Hoyt

I’m glad she’s so smitten with her new huntsman boyfriend and all, but venison-wurst? Gag me with a harpsichord.

~ Nicki Elson

How above-the-law children's books are. Hansel and Gretel (littering, breaking and entering), Rumpelstiltskin (forced labor), Snow White (conspiracy to commit murder), Rapunzel (break of contract).

~ Sloane Crosley

Sure. If she gets mugged, she can just flute them to death.

~ Seanan Mcguire

He rarely saw a doorway without advancing through it as if he owned it. Since he owned a good many doorways, he would have pointed out that this was a reasonable assumption.

~ Eloisa James

Oh the wonders of being married. Put a gun in one hand and a woman in the other, I'm never sure who's going to kill me first.

~ Michael W. Grimard

I had a problem with commitment. I was afraid to proclaim that I had found Jesus, been saved, boarded the boat bound for eternal life. I figured it wasn't something I could announce one week and then a month or two later admit, Oh yeah, sorry, people. That was my Jesus phase. I'm into transcendental meditation now.

~ Michelle Derusha

Having solved all the major mathematical, physical, chemical, biological, sociological, philosophical, etymological, meteorological and psychological problems of the Universe except for his own, three times over, [Marvin] was severely stuck for something to do, and had taken up composing short dolorous ditties of no tone, or indeed tune. The latest one was a lullaby.Marvin d

~ Douglas Adams

The story of how I left Huckleberry begins -- as do all worthy stories -- with a goat

~ John Scalzi

If you've never been in a dumpster coated with industrial waste while someone stabs you with a piece of sharpened rebar, then you probably wouldn't understand.

~ S.g. Browne

In accordance with the terms of the Clarke-Asimov treaty, the second-bestscience writer dedicates this book to the second-best science-fictionwriter.[dedication to Isaac Asimov from Arthur C. Clarke in his book Report on Planet Three]

~ Arthur C. Clarke

What song would lull a snake into submission? John Mayer?Over my dead body.Could be, Tim, could be.

~ Gini Koch

He turned to Matt and gave a huge smile, one hand on her withers. James reached out and pulled Matt to him, and they stood there in a little circle. It felt disconcertingly like… a family reunion. Matt turned away from James‟s bright smile and looked at Miz in something akin to horror. Was she their… child? Miz nipped him. Hard. While snorting horse mucus all over him. Damn thing couldn‟t even blow her own damn nose. Would she ever grow up?

~ Anne Tenino

You ever flown something before? (Christopher)I hold the highest score at A.S.U. for Star Wars: Starfighter. (Kitty)I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I'm going to regret this. (Christopher)

~ Gini Koch

Just my luck: My bloodthirsty killing machine was better with both kids and women than I was.

~ Mark L. Van Name

Three lights should be fine. - ZacharyAye, well if it wis me, I'd want a bloody lighthoose beacon comin' oot o' my arse. - True MacDonald

~ Steve Alten

We lifted up and then bobbed.Back! Pull it back! (Christopher)It's hard. (Kitty)The ground is harder! (Christopher)

~ Gini Koch

An older, inebriated Scot who looked like he'd been sitting on his barstool all day looked me up and down, then smelled the air. Heh, neebr, goat a deid an'mal in yer bac'pac, or iz it ye tha' bloody stinks?My brain took a moment to translate. Actually, yes, there is a dead animal in my backpack, but I probably stink, too.

~ Steve Alten

Welcome to the Information Jungle.

~ Tad Williams

Sheriff, are you suggestin' the victom was kidnapped?I'm only statin' that, at this time, we have no body, only nonvital body parts...

~ Steve Alten

Oh, traccy traccy ply ply bracket doints and divs

~ Yahtzee Croshaw

This is the last time Abel lets the humans make the plans.

~ Claudia Gray

Abel. I can’t let you…sell your body.”“The transaction is closer to a rental.

~ Claudia Gray

Please stop sniffing the robot boy, Noemi tells herself, jerking out of the trance.

~ Claudia Gray

Yes,” Lisa said with the usual blank honestly. She frowned. “Was that a sincere question? Or a scolding rhetorical question akin to Harilotecca’s speech patterns?

~ Ash Gray

It’s you,” she murmured, staring at his eyes, a fine, dove gray.He smiled. “Of course, it’s me. Let’s get you back to your boat.

~ Cheryl Sterling

Dave had been fun when they’d first dated. Then impending fatherhood had sobered him at the same time Mickle and Company had crooked its finger, turning him from Mr. Right to Mr. Wrong.

~ Cheryl Sterling

How, exactly, did I kill him? He died on the golf course.” One minute he’d been practicing his swing, and in the next—phzzt—a freak lightning bolt had hit him right in the nine iron. His shoes were still smoking when she reached him.

~ Cheryl Sterling

Darrow: Does he really believe believe in magic? I ask.Daxo Au Telemanus: He says gnomes steals ear wax from him at night. Mother thinks he's been hit too many times in the head. Daxo backs away following his father. But he can't hide the his clever smile as he pops a jellybean into his mouth. And I see where the ones in my pocket came from. I say he just lives in a more entertaining world than we do.

~ Pierce Brown

Shouting didn't help. Kathy keyed her landing skids down and strangled the thruster grips onto full. A flagman on the ground dove sideways. The fighter whizzed past the man's prostrate body, her skids unfolding only feet above his head. She nearly beheaded three others as she scrambled to decrease power to her belly thrusters and fight spinning into a sideways slide. Suddenly a group of people came into view at the edge of the tarmac. “Oh shit!” She killed her belly thrusters completely.The skids hit the cement like a Boeing 747 with no tires. She slammed back into the seat. Metal screeched against cement. Everything shook like a jackhammer. The big Shimeron slued sideways then slammed her into her harness as it lurched to a halt. Every part of her including her hands shook. She took a deep breath and tried to calm her tremors enough to power down.“You did it, O’Donnell,” she said as the gyros whined down in a groan of sympathy. She removed her helmet and pushed back her flight suit hood only to have a pile of sopping wet sparkling hair flop out over her face. She swiped it away and released the canopy. A blast of cool ocean air filled the cockpit. Carefully, she peered over the side of the cockpit.Bodies lay strewn about on the ground. A few prostrate forms moved. Kathy sank down into the seat with a grimace. Great, you just killed your welcoming committee, you twit.

~ K.l. Tharp

Deep down, we all have our dark thoughts, Kathy. Mine are no different than any others. My life was planned for me, like my body was engineered to be what it is, a Prime Elite. But underneath it all I am still a man. Though I did not want this bonding at the beginning, it is now a part of me . . . and a part of you. We will work things out, my wife and we will do it together, that is what I accept. Also,” he adjusted his arm around her, feeling her discomfort. “I know that without you there is an emptiness that I cannot put into words. It is an emptiness that I will not live with. Thus, I do not wish to be free of you . . . ever.

~ K.l. Tharp

Mars is not Earth. It doesn't have a thick atmosphere to bend light and carry particles that reflect light around corners. It's damn near a vacuum here. Once the sun isn't visible, I'm in the dark. Phobos gives me some moonlight, but not enough to work with. Deimos is a little piece of crap that's no good to anyone.

~ Andy Weir

The Law of Moronic Ubiquity: Anything in the universe that is generally considered to be idiot-proof will eventually be ruined by an idiot.

~ Ian Strang