Humor Quotes

Mystics love to make things as obscure as possible, I've learned, and never use a sentence when a paragraph of riddles will do. Priests, savants, politicians, and barristers are much the same.The ambitious believe that if you want people to think you're smart, pose as pretentiously as possible and charge a premium for confusion and wasted time.

~ William Dietrich

When you’re poor and hungry and frightened of failure, you often don’t have the luxury of high values, lofty goals, and social conscience. Funny how fear and poverty will acid-wash your value set, burn away all the flimflam and artifice and learned morality and leave you with nothing but the urgency of survival. - Dr. Dan Trix - Chasing the Horizon.

~ Rodney Romig

I must do whatever I can to find the best partners possible. Did you kick their butts? He frowned. The buttocks are among the least sensitive places to hit someone. I laughed. It's a figure of speech. To kick butts. Interesting.

~ Allison Van Diepen

The next time somebody announces that he plans to get Medieval on your ass, tell him you're going to get Renaissance on his gonads.

~ James K. Morrow

The Wet Tongue Gets Stuck To A Frozen Flagpole attack!

~ Hiromu Arakawa

Wraith snorted. Cowards. Seriously. Who brings a gun to a knife fight? That's cheating.You don't have a gun? Kynan asked.Wraith made a face of digust. It's not very sporting to shoot people.So you're saying that you didn't shoot the people who shot you?Hell, yeah, I shot them.

~ Larissa Ione

In a fair fight, the don's man would almost certainly paint the walls with Locke and Calo's blood, so it stood to reason that this fight would have to be as unfair as possible.

~ Scott Lynch

Then, aided by the booze, like a fool I tossed off one of those throwaway lines that would have been better thrown away. Ah, Frank! I thought you were going to be down here fucking Lana.

~ Ava Gardner

If they look as though they're worried, we'll move in.''And do what exactly?' said Polly.'Threaten to shoot them,' said Maladict firmly.'And if they don't believ

~ Terry Pratchett

Stefan spat. Oh, aye, he fell. O' course, Master Ralon helped him fall, several times. Poor li'l tyke didn't have a chance.

~ Tamora Pierce

Where in the nine hells did you ever find the notion that I would fight fair?”-Drizzt Do'Urden

~ R.a. Salvatore

Shoot faceless, white blobs. Roger that Menace, Gamma Kitten One over and out.

~ Alanea Alder

Do you know what I think? Marcone said.You think we should shoot Nicodemus in the back at the first opportunity and let Michael dismember him.Yes.I drew my gun. Okay.

~ Jim Butcher

Well, at first I was thinking we could challenge them to a few rounds of Scattergories, but then I realized fighting would be way more emotionally satisfying. -Buffy

~ Brian K. Vaughan

Regardless of what others may tell you, you only need two Mexican-Americans for a Mexican standoff.

~ Alejandra Díaz Mattoni

A knight can fight. As you well know, I fight about as well as a pillow.That's an insult to pillows. At least they can take a beating.

~ Eli Brown

The answer to enemies who heal annoyingly fast is always, always decapitation. That is why swords will never go out of style.

~ Kevin Hearne

I kept trying to explain and he kept shouting until I began to cry from frustration. Then he felt remorseful, which was so unlike him and endearing that I almost changed my mind and said yes. But then I imagined a lifetime of having to cry to get him to be kind, and I went back to no again.

~ Mary Ann Shaffer

I've never, ever, ever -- in my entire life -- fought over a man. I've fought women who've hit me because of a man, but then I was fighting to bust her ass, not defend his.

~ Karen E. Quinones Miller

After you are here, I will try not to become one of those parents who brag incessantly about their children, who force them to recite the alphabet backward or sing the Lord's Prayer in German to horrified dinner guests. One of those parents who tell people who aren't interested and haven't askd what their progeny's grade-point average is, what school they go to, how handsome and brilliant and psychic they are. If something goes awry and I do become one of those parents, you have my permission to sneak into my bedroom while I am sleeping and pinch my nostrils shut.

~ Suzanne Finnamore

There's a Drunk Midget in My HouseAh, babies! They're more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts. Like most people who have had one baby, I am an expert on everythiing and will tell you, unsolicited, how to raise your kid!

~ Tina Fey

I said that additionally, since I was planning to nurse, it be best if you were off the breast before I came back to work. My boss just looked at me dreamily and said, 'That won't be for sixty years, at least.

~ Suzanne Finnamore

I was into third guesses with Theo and Maddy. Anyway, that's one of the reasons I opted to buythe van and drive cross-country instead of dumping us all in a plane. It gave us some time. Nothinglike a three-thousand-mile drive in an enclosed vehicle to cement a family unit—if you live throughit.It was very brave of you.You want to talk courage? He drove easily up the lane to the villa. I've been chief taste-testeron this wine experiment Maddy's conducting. It's brut

~ Nora Roberts

There were some days that deserved to be drowned at birth and everyone sent back to bed with a hot brandy, a box of chocolates and a warm, energetic companion. Today was without question one of those days.

~ Diana Pharaoh Francis

Also not the kind of place to hide a server.Is that another pun? She asked.No! I swear! I didn't mean that one.~Shell Game, Kingdom Keepers #5

~ Ridley Pearson

It was February sixth: eight days until Valentine's Day. I was dateless, as usual, deep in the vice grip of unrequited love. It was bad enough not having a boyfriend for New Year's Eve. Now I had to cope with Valentine datelessness, feeling consummate social pressure from every retailer in America who stuck hearts and cupids in their windows by January second to rub it in.

~ Joan Bauer

Olivia sat back and propped her half-boots on the table. 'So far it's working. He has to return to me because I have his sister hostage.' She briefly put her fingertips to her lips. 'Did I just say that? I mean I'm protecting the baby sister and earning his trust

~ Kresley Cole

This is agony cried Mr Salteena clutching hold of a table my life will be sour grapes and ashes without you.

~ Daisy Ashford

Does it bother you when you see Daddy kissing Josh?” he asked.Ty shook his head and made a funny face. “No, not really. I guess you really like him a lot.”“I do,” Rex agreed. “I love Josh.”“I love Josh too, and so I don’t care if you kiss him. But I thought boys only kissed girls.”Rex nodded. “Yeah, well, that’s how it is most of the time, but you know some boys kiss other boys and some girls kiss other girls.”“Well, I don’t wanna kiss no girls!” Ty said emphatically.Rex and Josh both laughed. “Maybe someday you will, though. If you do, that’s fine, and if you don’t, that’s fine too. For right now, you can just kiss Daddy.” He leaned in and kissed Ty on the forehead.

~ Jeff Erno

Most humans expressed affection by pressing their lips together, a simple act, so why would anyone feel the need to research the process?

~ Melissa Landers

When I kissed Brooks, it was like I’d been stun-gunned. But I was still conscious.”Debbie Mae’s eyebrows had gone way up. “Awake but nobody home?”“Well, maybe awake but somebody home with really, really bad judgment.

~ Mary Jane Hathaway

His gaze settled on her mouth. “Have you been kissed before, inspector?”“Why?” If he wanted virgin lips, she’d claim to have serviced an army.“If it’s your first, I’ll do it differently.”“You won’t do it at all.”“Yes, I will.

~ Meljean Brook

My first kiss as a single woman. It sent a tingle sprinting down my spine like a tingle panther.

~ Rosen Trevithick

Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are

~ Josh Stern

Jacob offered Ann pot, this time from a bowl. She shook her head no.“You gotta keep doing it and eventually it will start to feel good, and your body will adapt,” he encouraged. It was the same thing her mom’s yoga instructor had said to her once and her answer was the same both times.

~ Sage Steadman

Now it was Arla’s turn for astonishment. The Boy gave Perry a wide smile as he shook his hand. “You know the land you say? Up along the promontory? Good. Well, perhaps we should take you along. Do you have a horse?”“No” Perry replied. “But I can ride.”“Arla is quite slight,” the Boy said. “Perhaps she can ride the packhorse with our gear.”Arla gave a strangled gasp, and the Boy grinned at her. She realised he was joking, and breathed a sigh of relief. But she did not trust herself to speak. What did Branguin think he was doing?

~ J.j. Gadd

Duke to Michel: I’m fairly certain that even ifyou’d struggle in a quiz against a pigeon, you are capable enough of opening doors.

~ Elias Zapple

There goes the world's wimpiest vampire.

~ Heather Swain

You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it.

~ George Carlin

Humor can give you the edge you are looking for.

~ Jeffrey Gitomer