Humorous Quotes Quotes

I believe you to be strictly honorable.'He thoughtfully emptied his cup. 'I wish I could add you were intelligent,' he went on, knocking on his head with his knuckles.

~ Robert Louis Stevenson

I made a noise of disgust, and I think I would have stormed out if I knew how to open the door.

~ Ash Gray

The Ruhar hit us on Columbus Day. There we were, innocently drifting along the cosmos on our little blue marble, like the native Americans in 1492. Over the horizon come ships of a technologically advanced, aggressive culture, and BAM! There go the good old days, when humans only got killed by each other.

~ Craig Alanson

If you dont like my book write your own.

~ Rita Mae Brown

As far as he was concerned, there were only two all-important laws on earth:1. Don’t murder people.2. Never swear in front of Lilly.

~ Hannah Heath

Aging gracefully - A concept that is rejected in 40s, but gracefully accepted in 50s...

~ Sandhya Jane

This bastard is so guilty he already has his lawyer here.

~ Kevin Hearne

You can’t even stay dead like a reasonable person!” he yelled, overjoyed at the sight of his brother. “What, you didn’t miss me?

~ Hayden Wand

Aging gracefully - A that is rejected in 40s, but gracefully accepted in 50s...

~ Sandhya Jane

The next day was wonderful...and terrible. So, overall, I guess it was okay.

~ The Harvard Lampoon

Y’all ever seen that 'monkeys typing in a room for eternity would eventually create the works of Shakespeare' quote? Well, one time Drew got high and stated, 'Wait, that happened already. We’re monkeys, and space is eternity, and we typed, and it happened.' He insisted we put it in the book.

~ Trae Crowder

Kloo nodded at Lex in an indescribably maternal way, somehow cramming a lifetime of compassion, support, and tenderness all into one slight bounce of the head.

~ Gina Damico

Writing something new is an effective way to get rid of writer's block. Or you can observe the people around you and fantasize like I do.

~ B.a. Gabrielle

The pig was so earnest. So sincere. So very “there.” The pig brought gravity and mythic import to this well-worn fairy tale.

~ Robert Fulghum

I get a kick out of cursing people for life on Sundays.

~ Emily Kirby

When people ask how old I am, I just tell them twenty-one, and if they assume I mean years instead of decades or centuries, then that can't be my fault, can it?

~ Kevin Hearne

At the dockside I was pleasantly surprised to find the North wasn't all hairy men in animal skins. There was also hairy women in animal skins.

~ Mark Lawrence

A mother’s eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

I could be a morning person -- but only if morning started at noon!

~ Carol Storm

The P-38 WWII Nazi handgun looks comical lying on the breakfast table next to a bowl of oatmeal.

~ Matthew Quick

Why did men have to ruin everything? The answer was simple, she supposed—because foolish women gave them the chance

~ Tessa Dare

Ask your wife for forgiveness, even when you’re right.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

I can look a whole day with delight upon a handsome picture, though it be but of an horse.

~ Thomas Browne

Two things are infinite, a woman’s patience and her husband’s mistakes.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

Women make the world go round, men turn it upside down.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

you're entirly bonkers but I'll tell you a secret all the best people are

~ Lewis Carroll

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

I know that whenever I feel my world turningupside down, nothing grounds me like a manicure.

~ Lauren Kate

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

The Milky Way, which is our galaxy, will collide with its nearest neighbor the Andromeda Galaxy. The two galaxies are heading towards each other at a wickedly high snail’s pace, of about 75 miles per second. This massive crash is expected to occur about 3 to 4 billion years from now.” My suggestion is to keep your head down! Captain Hank Bracker

~ Hank Bracker

A shame. As promising as a sky full'a rainbows but as useful as a bag'a dirt.

~ Quoleena Sbrocca

There is never a bad joke, it's adressing to a wrong audience that makes it look bad!

~ Ramana Pemmaraju

Orange is the New Black is a really boring porn.

~ Mitty Walters

After a few more minutes of daydreaming about how fabulous I could become, I look down at the heading on my paper: Janey's Reinvention Plan. It appears lonely at the top of the page. I should probably add some bullets beneath, but I've never been much of a list maker.

~ J.c. Patrick

I'm overweight, despise change, and rarely, if ever, initiate anything. Unlike my friends, I’ve had no drama in my life which might qualify as box office material. If a little more drama came my way, however, I would probably need to purchase some courage in order to withstand it. Oh well, if a bit of change equals a bit of drama, I’m willing to risk it.

~ J.c. Patrick

Professional is an apt definition for me, professional slouch, that is. I can be very professional at seeming to do work, but the real work is trying to do as little as possible, without getting caught by Trip or any nosey busybodies.

~ J.c. Patrick

When I was young, I believed God was a woman because I couldn't come up with any other explanation as to why the universe was so tidy.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

A man who boasts he's the head of the home must never forget the woman is the knife at his throat.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

It was 10:30 in the morning and I was already running behind. This is hardly unusual, but it pisses me off every single time.

~ Julie Powell