Humorous Quotes

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like Second Tall Man.

~ Russell Beland

He will work off his crudities in time. I rather mistrust young men who slip into life gracefully.

~ E.m. Forster

Don’t tell me you have OCD about this?”“OCD, ADHD—pretty sure if they come up with some new acronym tomorrow I’d have it.

~ Cyma Rizwaan Khan

Jack's doctors have told him he is crazy… but, the truth is, it's the Voices who are crazy, not him.

~ Jennifer Daydreamer

When dreaming is better than reality we're livingWhat's the sense of waking up in a nightmare?

~ Joshua Natad

I turned on the television and watched a movie about a girl who’d fallen in love with both a vampire and a werewolf. I’d already seen it a million times, so my eyelids grew heavy, fairly quickly. Ten minutes later I was out cold in my bed and dreaming of Duncan, who turned into a werewolf and was trying to kill my own vampire boyfriend. Every time I tried to see the vampire’s face, however, it was a blur.

~ Kristen Middleton

I'm hoping you end up happily married to the man of your dreams and have a hoard of beautiful kids that'll keep you on your toes by turning your neighbours into various types of pond-life. He then shot her his signature grin. But if it happens to be me, then I wouldn't say no.(Karl to Elena in The Witching Pen)

~ Dianna Hardy

He pulled out a dagger from ... she wasn't sure where. Did he have that in his loin cloth? What else does he have in there? (Amy's thoughts, The Witching Pen)

~ Dianna Hardy

Two things never mix: one is enchantments and the other is meddling with them.

~ Lloyd Alexander

Unicorns aren't magical and beautiful. They're just predatory horses that have horns and love to eat virgins.

~ Delilah S. Dawson

‎I have panicked unnecessarily in all four corners of the globe.

~ Jon Ronson

I wanted to find my voice, so I sat in silence.I wanted joy, so I cried my heart open.I wanted wisdom, so I capered in bodacious foolishness.I wanted freedom, so I felt my bonds.

~ Catherine Scott

Screw the shops, I want a duty-free office.

~ Rishi Piparaiya

Solve your problems or your problems solve you.

~ Mario Fingarov

People who always arrive early aren't worth waiting for.

~ Crystal Woods

I once asked him why he smoked the world's most expensive cigarette, and he told me it was because he was a man of wealth and taste, at least according to Mick Jagger.

~ K.h. Koehler

Like every other good thing in thisworld, leisure and culture have to be paid for. Fortunately, however,it is not the leisured and the cultured who have to pay. Let us beduly thankful for that, my dear Denis--duly thankful.

~ Aldous Huxley

Is there anything like a collective brain?

~ Lailah Gifty Akita

Not everything that is seen is visible.

~ Lailah Gifty Akita

Is the any model like morality?

~ Lailah Gifty Akita

Is there any thinking animal like man?

~ Lailah Gifty Akita

You can face fear, or feel it, her dad used to say. … Feel it, and it eats you alive. Face it, and you get to kick some ugly alien butt. Okay, he never said that. I wonder if they even have butts.

~ Sabine Priestley

To be depressed or neurotic is passive. It has happened to all of us; we are its victims, are we have no control over it.

~ William Glasser

I realized that I was okay with myself. I was quirky and withdrawn and loud, but I liked that. I smiled at strangers without thinking they were going to attack me and drag me into their cars. I went to doctors’ offices and touched magazines that had been touched by sick people.

~ Anna White

Forget your past,Use your pain;Accept that pain,And Achieve the gain.

~ Nitesh Nishad

When in doubt, shoot 1st and ask questions later, but avoid the head, because they'rea lot more likely to answer if they're not dead.

~ Lois Greiman

Awoke to find three vultures sitting on the fence. Realizing they were a portent of impending death I shot them.

~ Bridget Allison

You know you're having a bad week when you call 911, the paramedics come to your house, and one of them notices you've rearranged your furniture.

~ Cherie Kephart

She decided that if Lucas was gay then she was going to have to get a sex change operation. He would be so worth it.

~ Josephine Angelini

...I do have to wonder what sort of childhood the Grimm brothers endured. They are not a merry bunch of storytellers, what with their children roasted by witches, maidens poisoned by old crones, and whatnot.

~ Libba Bray

A layer of fine powder coats his skin.“My lungs are turning to concrete,” Rob wheezes, hacking and spitting.“So are my eyes. How do I always get roped into these things?” Avery coughs and pats Rob’s back in sympathy. A poof of dust billows from the contact.

~ Laura Kreitzer

I might be in love with you. He smiles a little. I'm waiting until I'm sure to tell you, though.

~ Veronica Roth

Thanks,” I muttered and added under my breath, “Douchebag.”He laughed, deep and throaty. “Now that’s not very ladylike, Kittycat.”I whipped around. “Don’t ever call me that,” I snapped.“It’s better than calling someone a douchebag, isn’t it?” He pushed out the door. “This has been a stimulating visit. I’ll cherish it for a long time to come.”Okay. That was it. “You know, you’re right. How wrong of me to call you a douchebag. Because a douchebag is too nice of a word for you,” I said, smiling sweetly. “You’re a dickhead.”“A dickhead?” he repeated. “How charming.”I flipped him off.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.

~ Oscar Wilde

He [Iggy] started reaching for things around the table, and his hand landed on Total. “You’re black.”“I prefer canine-American,” said Total.

~ James Patterson

Why does everything so bad for you always taste so dreamy?

~ Colleen Houck

I like to think I'm helping them by hating them. I'm reminding them that they aren't God's gift to humankind.

~ Veronica Roth

I can be a regular bitch. Just try me.

~ Stieg Larsson

You’re not going to let her do this, are you?” Bones snorted. “Let her? Mate, if you think you can control a woman, you must be single—-and a thousand pounds says she beats your arse.

~ Jeaniene Frost

He had a dashing smile. It nearly dashed right off his face.

~ Shannon Hale