Humorous Quotes

Much slower, I turned around to see Vlad examining his fingernails, as if his hands weren't still ablaze in the flames that had blasted the ghoul's head off moments before.'what the hell was that?' I gasped.'Premature inflammation,' He replied. 'Happens sometimes. Very embarrassing, I don't like to talk about it.'

~ Jeaniene Frost

Dean: If there is a greater power, why is it he can't get you a new sweater?Jamie: Because, he's too busy looking for your brain.

~ Nicholas Sparks

Bones didn’t share any of my qualms about suddenly holding an arm that wasn’t attached to a body anymore. He just grabbed the ghoul by his other arm and began thumping him over the head with the loose limb. I’d heard Bones threaten to beat someone with their own limb before, but I’d always assumed that was a figure of speech. Apparently not.

~ Jeaniene Frost

Just so you know, I hate camping. I'm not so much appreciating the fact that there's no bathroom out here. 'Nature calls' while walking in nature is on my list of least favorite things. You tigers, and men in general, have it so much easier than us girls.

~ Colleen Houck

Maybe you'll win when hell freezes over.He raised an eyebrow.That could be easily arranged.

~ Aimee Carter

Scrawny little mundane bastard.

~ Cassandra Clare

[how can anyone] be silly enough to think himself better than other people, because his clothes are made of finer woolen thread than theirs. After all, those fine clothes were once worn by a sheep, and they never turned it into anything better than a sheep.

~ Thomas More

It was strange and amusing...and, honestly, a bit embarrassing...to realize how much being near Bella had softened me. It seemed like no one was afraid of me any more. If Emmett found out about this, he would be laughing for the next century.

~ Stephenie Meyer

Oh, how I regret not having worn a bikini for the entire year I was twenty-six. If anyone young is reading this, go, right this minute, put on a bikini, and don't take it off until you're thirty-four.

~ Nora Ephron

In small towns, news travels at the speed of boredom.

~ Carlos Ruiz Zafón

Didn't know you could measure distance so well with nothing but you bloody eyeballs

~ James Dashner

She shrugged and flipped her glossy hair behind her shoulders. What else do you have to do with your time besides think about stuff like this? It's not like you're real heavy into extracurriculars. Besides, you're all, like, goth and into the dead, right?Alona Dare, queen of the insult-compliment. Wow. Thanks. Anyone ever tell you you're good with people?She frowned. No.Good. I'm not goth.Your hair is black, you have piercings, you wear black all the time and act all freaky-My hair is naturally this color. I have three earings in one ear, that's it. This shirt -I tugged at the fabric across my chest- is navy blue, and if I act weird all the time, it's because of ghosts like you.

~ Stacey Kade

There are some people who believe that home is where one hangs one's hat, but these people tend to live in closets and on little pegs.

~ Lemony Snicket

I just can't fathom why anyone would stand on a ledge when there's a respectable amount of walking space right next to it.

~ Stephanie Perkins

I've heard that men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

~ Jill Shalvis

Ron: Why spiders? Why couldn't it be follow the butterflies?

~ J.k. Rowling

Never do anything that you don’t want to have to explain to 9-1-1 personnel.

~ Jill Shalvis

On the morning in question, she wore white shorts and a pink T-shirt that featured a green dragon breathing a fire of orange glitter. It is difficult to explain how awesome I found this T-shirt at the time.

~ John Green

I de­ci­ded right then and the­re to ma­ke a snic­ker­do­od­le per­fu­me to we­ar, so that one day he wo­uld sniff me li­ke that.

~ Jessica Verday

Obstinate, headstrong girl!

~ Jane Austen

I do believe in shooting the messenger.You know why? Because it sends a message.

~ L.j. Smith

Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses.

~ Vladimir Nabokov

Was it fate? Was it destiny?I think it was Alan Blunt.

~ Anthony Horowitz

Sh!t. F_ck sh!t.'....'Sh!t f_ck would have also been accepted.

~ Ilona Andrews

If sex were food, Rhage would haven been morbidly obese.

~ J.r. Ward

Please put your penises away, gentlemen. Dinner is procured. By a woman.

~ Kresley Cole

I mingle with my peers or no one, and since I have no peers, I mingle with no one.

~ John Kennedy Toole

He soon acquired the forlorn look that one sees in vegetarians.

~ Gabriel García Márquez

I was cold, hungry, and in a hole in the ground. But at least I had my elven porn, damnit!

~ Kim Harrison

I doubt you’ve ever been forced to nonstop bang a woman hyped up on the undead voodoo version of Spanish fly, have you?”His chuckle was soft. “Can’t say that I have, Kitten.”“Yeah, well, consider me an original.”This time, when his lips brushed across my skin, it lasted more than a moment.“I always have.

~ Jeaniene Frost

It was like there was an elephant in the room. An elephant that expected us to have sex.

~ Morgan Matson

-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?-Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.

~ Terry Pratchett

Merlin's pants!

~ J.k. Rowling

Andrea: ....I think a dog is a great idea. I just never pictured you with a mutant poodle.” Kate: “He isn’t a poodle. He’s a Doberman mix.Andrea: “Aha. Keep telling yourself that.

~ Ilona Andrews

Jack might look my age, but he was like a little kid on a sugar high --- in need of a good spanking. --- Good heavens, that sounded creepy.

~ Kiersten White

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly.

~ Carroll Bryant

She had been a teenager once, and she knew that, despite the apparent contradictions, a person's teenage years lasted well into their fifties.

~ Derek Landy

face touchage lame-sauce Sulky McSulkerton

~ Rachel Hawkins

Kiss my ass Rath Roiben Rye

~ Holly Black

Smiling always seems to annoy people more than actually insulting them. Or maybe I just have an annoying smile.

~ Jim Butcher