Humour Quotes

The Professor is coming...

~ M.k. Hopkins

If you want the extra-ordinary, you've got to be willing to forsake the ordinary' - Annie Grimes in Mr Alhourani's Dead Man's Spots

~ D.m. Lee

Our friend Chewy doesn’t speak much, but he chews a lot of tobacco so we call him Chewbacco.

~ Michael Diack

Foolish potato, talking to her like that won’t work. You’ve got to be mean and show off your foil-wrapped rigidity.

~ Michael Diack

Bear with me G-Harrison because this is going to be a long speech. I’ve always had this feeling that the world is not enough and I won’t be happy in life unless I hold hands with a girl who has a golden eye and a gold finger; I beat the living daylights out a guy called Dr No; I get a postcard from my friend who lives in Russia which reads ‘From Russia with love’; I spend some time working for her majesty’s secret service; I play the Thunderball Super Spud lottery; I meet a guy called Moonraker; I finally get a licence to kill, which I applied for months ago; I buy a house with a view to kill for and I get a pet octopus called Octopussy. If only I lived twice and tomorrow never died, maybe then I would get a chance to fulfil my dreams.

~ Michael Diack

Nonsense, this is my home and I must defend it. It’s time for Santa to get serious.

~ Michael Diack

His cell-phone rang. Dominic fumbled for it on the nightstand next to the couch, the dim lights not helping his endeavour. He had piercing, generic, banal fluorescent lights on his face all the time at work and at University, it was so bad it made him loathe even natural sunlight. Lucky this apartment’s living room light had a dimmer. He flipped open his phone and said hello. ‘Hey Dom, how you doin’?’ a voice boomed. It was Ben. They proceeded to talk about the upcoming exams, which were deceptively close as it was week 10 at the moment. Yes, they would be alright. Yes, they would meet up afterwards. No, he hadn’t studied more than Ben had. As he clapped the phone closed after the genial conversation reached its natural nadir, he had forgotten most of what had been said

~ T.p. Grish

One word came to mind: pee-yew. Evan tried to place the odor; it wasn’t a heap of decayed garbage or that of a spoiled fish. Truth be told, he smelled like rotten cheese.

~ H.b. Bolton

He plunged into the foliage, and was swept into a humid, wet world of towering trees, animal chirps and thick ferns. After a few steps, he turned, and could barely make out the village. He walked a few more steps. He could see nothing now except for the thick trees and long ferns and grasses that surrounded him. He was enveloped into the confined space between trees, surrounded by the jungle heat and staccato chirps. He turned in the direction of the village, but could only see thick, dense trees. Hoping his sense of direction had not been muddled, he turned back around to the direction of the alleged ocean, and kept walking.Now the calls he heard sounded more and more strange. How far had he walked by now? The jungle, or rain forest, whatever it was, did not relent, and he kept on weaving into narrow gaps between the sturdy ferns and towering trees, pressing onwards. This continued for a seemingly oppressive amount of time, and he began to doubt his decision. To come to this place. To take a chance with his life, which was going in the right direction. Why couldn’t he be happy with the normal and mundane, he cursed, scolding his own stubbornness

~ T.p. Grish

Evan ran his finger across the faded leather spines. He laughed at how silly some of the names were: Paint Your Roses Red, Edelweiss and Me, World of Mushrooms and Fungi, The Toadstool Diaries, Daffodils Unseen and Exotic Plants Unleashed, to name but a few.

~ H.b. Bolton

Women in love are patheticand I cannot be bothered, for now,I am back to metaphysicsand my armpits gather hair.

~ Mie Hansson

If Beyoncé Knowles and Miley Cyrus represent the latest branch of feminism, then surely the male-dominated power elite must be aroused with concern.

~ Mitchell Rhodes

Sofia the kind of woman no matter what she have in her hand she make it look like a weapon.

~ Alice Walker

Give a man a fish,and he'll eat for a day.Give a WOMAN a fish ,and she'll feed the whole family for a week!

~ Cameron Semmens

You remind me of an old cat I once had. Whenever he killed a mouse he would bring it into the drawing-room and lay it affectionately at my feet. I would reject the corpse with horror and turn him out, but back he would come with his loathsome gift. I simply couldn’t make him understand that he was not doing me a kindness. He thought highly of his mouse and it was beyond him to realize that I did not want it.You are just the same with your chivalry. It’s very kind of you to keep offering me your dead mouse; but honestly I have no use for it. I won’t take favors just because I happen to be a female.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

Ten thousand women marched through the streets shouting, 'We will not be dictated to,' and went off and became stenographers.

~ G.k. Chesterton

Dating someone exclusively for four months in New York is like four years in Anchorage.

~ Zack Love

I’m just not ready to give myself up, Sammy. I mean, there’s something perfect about virginity, and I haven’t found someone who deserves to take that perfection from me…”“You’re loco, Carlos. Insane. Totally crazy… Most guys think they’re imperfect for still being virgins past the age of seventeen.

~ Zack Love

Having had virtually no contact with the outside world for the last few weeks, Evan had temporarily forgotten the social norms governing shopping conduct or approaching celebrities in public.

~ Zack Love

The public thinks big, sensible, measured thoughts while people run around doing silly things

~ Terry Pratchett

One thing you'll learn when you're in the business of selling utter shite to the Great British Public is that there's really no bottom to where they'll go. Shit food, shit TV, shit bands, shit films, shit houses. There is absolutely no fucking bottom with this stuff. The shittier you can make it - a bad photocopy of a bad photocopy of what was a shit idea in the first place - the more they'll eat it up with a big fucking spoon, from dawn till dusk, from now until the end of time. It's too good.

~ John Niven

If you say it very softly, with a smile, you can get away with saying almost anything, even the truth.

~ Neel Burton

It was supposed to say Great Artist on my tombstone, but if I died right now it would say such a good teacher/daughter/friend instead; and what I really want to shout, and want in big letters on that grave, too, is FUCK YOU ALL.

~ Claire Messud

Shit happens. You can either stand their and complain about the smell or you can wipe your shoe and keep walking.

~ Tommy Cotton

Sometimes the walk to the doctors is a better cure than the medicine you receive

~ Benny Bellamacina

I am in a cage. I desire to be set free.

~ Lailah Gifty Akita

Someone will complete you some day and that day will never be late. Those nouns and verbs are above wonderful and never ending .

~ Bikash Bhandari

Technically, you cannot really own a book you bought; you can only own the sheets of paper your copy is printed on; unless, of course, you are the book’s publisher.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Another one of your quippy japes?

~ Jasper Fforde

First I was decayed, I was putrefied. Kept thinking I could never live on, now that I had died...

~ Angelika Rust

Of course I began to see Nikki, which was strange because I was staring into Danny's eyes, and Danny is a six-foot-three black man who looks nothing like my ex-wife.

~ Matthew Quick

To neglect ones own ability to laugh is the greatest form of Blasphemy, for to laugh is to pray.

~ Ilyas Kassam

I surround myself with all eight throw pillows while hugging two. “What is so bad and uninteresting about me, Alex? Peter was the fifth break up–“–Sixth–” “–Sixth break up in the last two years. And I’m always the dumpee. Are my conversations that boring that no man wants to stay?”“Sandra, with this topic, yes. But usually, no.

~ Ambrosea Brown

Life is an unfinished art, few master it, most just bark.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Do not fall in love.....it means you have to look at someone else.

~ Sunny-Drunk

A life is like a book of many chapters and topics. Which Chapter are is your life?

~ Mopelola Adeniyi

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

~ Groucho Marx

Marcus looked down. “Ah, man! This was my favorite shirt. Who tore it?” he asked, trying to pull the ragged edges together.

~ Ripley Patton

One piece of wisdom a writer quickly learns ~ typos keep you humble.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

If you cannot laugh frequently and genuinely, you have no soul.

~ Idries Shah